When The Dust Settled
by elizabeth.watford1
Summary: Please be kind this is the first fan fiction I've ever written. This is post-Mockingjay about Peeta and Katniss rebuilding their life.
1. Chapter 1

The wrinkles in my blankets remind me of sand dunes formed by tossing and turning bodies. Now, half my bed is empty. I still see her sometimes as that girl starving, hollow cheeks and eyes. Needing me without knowing. She's been in her refuge of the woods for a while as the sun is almost half in the sky. Buttercup curls at my feet, the only part of Prim left for Katniss, and her for Buttercup. For me it's time to start my day.

Days seem empty vacuous, purposeless for us now. She was that hollow girl when I arrived here, hair disheveled, eyes encircled in darkness. A glimpse of what once was appeared when she saw me there planting the primroses. She showered and joined me, not actually working but watching me. The first time her skin had met sunshine in so long. After a while she crawled up to me and buried her head in my neck, and stroked my arms. I held her as she wept. She pulled away and cupped my face in her hands. "You told me always, you'd always stay with me." I grabbed her by the nape of the neck and kissed her, pulled her close to me. She melted at my touch and sighed throwing her arms around my neck. I picked her up and carried her upstairs into her bedroom. I gently laid her down on the bed her hands racing under my shirt pulling it over my head. I removed hers and hovered above her gazing into those eyes that lived. I planted my lips upon hers again. Moved my hands over her, removing her bra and massaging her breasts. I kissed her down her neck to her breast I cupped with one hand and suckled her nipple as though they would nourish me. I felt her quiver beneath me and heard he sigh my name. I reached my hand underneath her pants and stroked her cunt. Finding the hole penetrating her with my fingers in and out causing her to wet around me. Her breath quickened desperately, she removed what remained of her clothing and took my pants off in return fluidly taking my cock in her hands and stroking. I was already hard full of blood pumping. "Make love to me!" she plead

I obliged situating myself above her balancing on one arm moving one underneath her back holding her, and I entered her fully. Looking into her eyes as in sync we rocked until we were both completed. I lay beside her and she put her head on my chest. I asked "You love me… real or not real?" she told me "real".

After that we began sleeping together every night. We've been taking things more slowly after that first expression of passion. Some nights we just stroke each other, some nights we just sleep. The nightmares have become more tolerable and life is slowly becoming a life. And today that is something I must go on with.

My door swings open wildly. "Hey! Peeta!" it was Haymitch who was to my surprise up before mid afternoon.

"What?" I hollered down

"Gi'down here we gotta talk where's the lady?"

I trot down the stairs

"Outside, what's going on."

"Jesus, shave much?"

Since the war had ended I began to grow out my facial hair, and in fact my hair in general. My youth prevents me from growing too much of a beard but, my golden curls now sit about jaw length.

"You should talk, what brings you here this fine day?"

"Effie Trinket just called. The Capitol is holding a reception for the Victors to celebrate their heroism both before and after the war."

"Shit. Katniss won't like that." I replied.

"Nope and she and the prep teams will be here tomorrow we'll all be doing an interview with Caesar Flickerman about how life has been going since the wars end."

"Okay…"

I'm sure Haymitch will be happy to see Effie after he worked so hard to save her, but I don't know who they will be sending for me, my prep team is dead. I'm not sure I have the heart for different clueless Capitol pop-tarts chattering as they primp and preen me. Katniss will be pleased least of all. She doesn't have a lot left to give to them. We've been working the past few months at building both of us back up, the only thing we have to give is to each other.

"Here's the kicker…" Haymitch continues "They would like us to be delegates during the first meeting of the new government for our input."

The last part was in air quotes.

"Let me break the news to Katniss. This will be hard for her."

He nods and sits down at the kitchen table.

"Got any food in this place?" he laughs

The question is rhetorical of course there is food, I spend so much time now baking, and Katniss brings in bread. The house is a regular Hob these days.

I bring him some danishes and start some coffee when Katniss comes through the door. She drops her game bag beside.

"What are you doing up?"

"I came to talk to your friend here" He nods in my direction.

"Oh."

She plops down and grabs a danish

Her gray Seam eyes are gleaming as the light filtering through the windows kisses her face more gently than I could.

"Katniss, it appears as though the Capitol is not done with us yet." Haymitch begins

Hate flicker in her eyes which shift to meet mine as though asking what to do. I move to sit beside her and wrap an arm around her shoulders, and she places a hand on my knee. Trembling.

"Tomorrow Effie and the prep teams are coming and we'll be doing an interview with Caesar. Peeta and you will do your interview together so you'll have him to talk for you. Then, in two weeks the Capitol is holding a gala for the victors, part of which we are to join the first meeting of the government as delegates."

The trembling hand now grips me.

"Fine" she says. "We'll manage it."

"Wanna have a drink?" He says crassly

He finishes his danish and we forget about the coffee. He stands pushes his chair in as he leaves he says: "Try not to give me pneumonia when you wake me up tomorrow sweet heart."

He shuts the door behind him. Katniss sits staring at her hands. Then almost girlishly she says.

"Peeta, you will be there. I can only do this with you."

My heart skips a beat when she says this, perplexed as well by her concession of strength admitting to her limitations and the fact that she needs me. It shows growth. Her hungry eyes then look up at me. I turn her around in her chair and put a hand on each of her shoulders.

"Always" I say. I then pull her into me embrace her deeply.

"We have eachother. We're not lone victors, we are one victor. Survivors twice of the arena. Survivors of war, trauma, hijacking. From now on the odds will always be in our favor."

We separate she smiles.

"Should we go for a walk?"

I nod my head

"Can I shower first?"

She grins playfully

"Need company?"

I lead her upstairs where we unburden ourselves of our clothing. I turn on the water and we step into the shower letting the hot water rush over us. She pushes herself against me. I push he back slightly cupping her face in my hands.

"The only time we've made love was during time of distress. I don't to take advantage of you. I want you so bad, I don't want you feel taken advantage of."

Her eyes flicker with anger first, then they soften.

"I need to be close to you. You drive the dark away. I need you, you can't take advantage of me I'm yours. I take it slow for you. After all you've been through with thinking I'm a mutt and all."

I find myself smiling.

"Good, I'm devoted to you."

I push her back against the wall and kiss her madly. I take each of her buttocks in my hand and lift her. I slam myself into her with my head buried in her neck. Over and over again, in and out in and out she moans with each undulation. Something takes over me she said she's mine. I put one hand around her throat and she wraps her legs tighter around me.

"Harder" she whispers

I lower her from against the wall and face her away from me. I take one of her firm breasts my hand and take her from behind with the other hand I lean her forward then move down to stroke her clit until she screams and I come. I hold her there for a moment still inside her. The I take a breath.

"I love you."

We wash each other. Turn off the water and step out of the shower. She smiles at me and I feel my loins quiver again.

We find fresh clothing and walk around the town, talking about the progress that has been made in rebuilding. The happiness we feel about the mines being closed. I ask her what she thinks about opening up the bakery again. This seems to make her happy. Hand in hand we walk back home as the sun was setting. The TV flickered in the windows of Haymitch's home. Once through the threshold Katniss pushes me against the wall. Unsteady on my artificial leg I have to catch myself. She kneels in front of me and opens my pants, takes me out and begins to suck on the head of my prick. My eyes roll in my head and I know I can't take it. This won't satisfy me. I grab her hair and pull her up to me. Once again overcome with lust and madness.

"Take off your clothes."

She obliges I push her into the living room and onto a plush sofa. Without hesitation I'm once again inside of her on top of her, panting, groaning, her clawing my back desperately. It's more than I can bear. I don't think either of us had plans of sleeping that night, knowing of the upcoming interview, the trip to the Capitol. That's how the night went for us. Making love over and over until we were too exhausted to dream.


	2. Chapter 2

To my surprise Haymitch woke us.

"Jesus, maybe I should throw cold water on you!"

Confused, I slowly began to regain my bearings. There we were curled up naked on the sofa. Peeta blushed. I was pissed.

"Maybe you should knock every once and a while you damn hobo!"

Then came the realization that I was naked, I quickly grabbed a blanket off the sofa wrapped it around me and ran up the stairs abandoning Peeta to the silver tongue of Haymitch.

Once again clothed I trotted down the stairs. What did it matter really my prep team has seen me naked a million times. Peeta had found pants that were strewn upon the floor by the doorway and was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. I slipped behind him and wrapped my arms around him. Not good with words I express my love for him through touch placing gentle kisses along his bare back. He turns to greet me whispering I love yous in my ear. I giggle and tossle his golden curls around. His blue eyes laughing. Not at all the boy who could kill. The boy resigned to death before we had even entered the arena, or the boy who was hijacked. He was Peeta the dandelion in the spring. My hope. The kitchen smelled divine of blueberry muffins and coffee. I grabbed one and took a bite. Buttercup hopped upon the counter pleading Peeta for scraps, he snuck in a quick hiss at me before continuing his quest for a muffin. I rolled my eyes and went to face another creature maybe more annoying than that cat. Haymitch.

I walk into the dining room Haymitch with his boots upon the table.

"You're awfully smug this morning… and sober. Excited to see Effie? You know the ladies love it when you don't puke on them."

He throws his head back and laughs sarcastically.

"Sweetheart what I just saw this morning makes it waaaay too easy for me to get in a war of words with you. Besides I think I'm going to have to drink to get rid of the memory of what I saw, seeing another man's balls is never pleasing."

"Ha!"

I plopped down and finished my muffin.

"Bet you're hungry after all that exercise huh?" Haymitch quipped

"What exercise?" A familiar voice rang out laden with a Capitol accent.

"Oh hi Effie, I just walked in on our star crossed lovers recovering from enjoying each other…"

Effie's face looked horrified and without all the make-up I'm sure would have been white. The ever proper Effie horrified by such visceral things. Part of me wanted to keep poking at her scruples but out of respect I chose not to.

Effie no longer looked vacant, at least not as much. Perhaps she's been seeing a doctor in the Capitol. Today she's wearing a powder blue wig fashioned into a pompadour, her face heavily powdered as per the usual, a white button up tuxedo shirt with a mockingjay pin and matching powder blue pencil skirt, stiletto heels, and lipstick.

"Schedules are all here. Katniss and Peeta will have an interview together, then Haymitch. We will the tour twelve. All in all cameras will be here for about two hours. Then we are off to the Capitol. Which is our day, very simple easy, so there are no excuses for those who are not prompt! I'm eyeing you Haymitch!"

Haymitch smiles looks at me and mock whispering so anyone can hear:

"Talk about someone who needs to be fucked!"

Effie stomps out. We finish breakfast and Haymitch leaves to apologize to Effie and take a shower. I sit on the sofa and wait for my prep team to show while Peeta works in the kitchen. I think about how he was right. The war, accomplished nothing. Death, Finnick, Boggs, those children. Prim looking at me before she was murdered by Gales trap. As though knowing I needed someone to stop me from thinking my prep team shows.

"Katniss!... Katniss…" Octavia rings out

"You made sure we were going to have to work today. Your hair! Your eyebrows! No time to chit-chat… Let's make you look pretty." Flavius says and shoos me into the next room which will be the makeshift green room for the day. I strip and they shower me. Venia begins her work waxing and buffing. Octavia beings to trim my nails and tisks-tisks at all the dirt.

"Effie is so mad that she's still an escort." Flavius tells me as he brushes my hair "Split ends!" he exclaims

He goes on and continues to tell me about how Effie thought she would get a better job after the war since she did such great work as our escort. Instead she remained an escort because she suffered mental health issues post war. He goes on about how she takes pills now, that they all do after what they went through and the pills really help. I quite enjoyed hearing their cheerful voices. They mussed over my makeup.

"Beautiful" Octavia says "Cinna left so much clothes for you, Flavius and I thought you should wear this for your interview."

Hanging against the closet door is a lovely green tunic, the sleeves run into a racerback, and a black bandeau covers the area the shirt exposes with it's low cut sleeves, to go with it is a beautiful pair of cotton high waist wide legged pants they are black and simple with deep pockets and a gold belt around the waist. For shoes the picked a pair of green mary-janes.

"We thought you should wear something simple, something green that spoke of spring! To look cheerful, and to look like Katniss who herself is simply elegant. Cinna would have loved seeing you in it." Octavia choked up on the last part.

My make up was simple, mascara, cat eyed liner on my eyelids and mauve lipstick. Flavius braided my hair into the crown my mother created for me the day of the reaping. I was pleased. I looked like Katniss, a more glamorous version but I looked like me. I smiled and hugged them each individually. Effie bursts through the door.

"Big, big day she rings! The monster is hungry!"

I step out and Flavius quickly steps in front of me.

"Your pin".

He pins my Mockingjay pin on my right shoulder strap. Peeta stops when he sees me. He stares lovingly.

"You are so… lovely…"

I stop him

"I swear to God I'll shoot you in the eye if you get mushy."

Although Peeta and I are close and love each other these grandiose verbal displays make me uncomfortable. Effie stands me in front of the mirror. I notice they left my scars only slightly powdered...exposed. To expose me for who I am. This made me feel strong. Like Peeta said we are victors. The scars are momentos.

"Perfect." I say

The interview with Caesar is as expected his banter with Peeta is always comical. I answered a few superficial questions. Buttercup made an appearance. We toured twelve pointed discussing plans for the future Peeta reopening the bakery. Then it was over, we had a few hours before it was time to board the train to the Capitol.

"Wonderful! Wonderful!" Effie sang "Now time to retrieve Haymitch!"

If anyone can handle Haymitch it's Effie. Years have enabled her to effectively wake him, and shame him into at least moderately minding his manners. I took off my shoes although very lovely heels are not exactly my forte. Peeta walks behind me and wraps his arms around me his facial scruff tickling the back of my neck.

"We should pack huh?"

"Yes" I reply.

"That means I have to go home. I'll see you in a little bit?"

I nodded. He kisses the crook of my neck squeezes my hand and leaves. I head upstairs to pack some necessities. On the positive I'll get to see Johanna soon. My unlikely friend, I've learned through correspondence that she's been allowed to return to seven, she still struggles with the rain but is otherwise well. I hope Beetee is in good shape as well. I wandered across the village to Peeta's. When I opened the door and walked through the threshold what I saw was startling.

Chairs and vases were thrown askew, a hole was pounded into the wall and there was Peeta knuckles bleeding sitting on the floor hugging his knees, eyes wide with terror. I rushed to him. At first I just sat in front of him looking him in the eyes. Then I reached my hand out and stroked his curls.

"Not real Peeta."

"Not real, Not real." He whispered.

Then I said it. I haven't said it before just confirmed it.

"You're Peeta Mellark, you live in district twelve, we survived the Hunger Games, and war together, you double knot your shoes, you don't take sugar in your tea… and I love you."

When I said I love you his eyes flickered a bit, as though processing what I said. I extended my arms to him and he leaned into them. I held him tight until his body relaxed.

"Now, let's clean you up."

We went to my house into the dining room where there were still remedies left from my mothers time healing men on the table. I cleaned his knuckles applied ointment and wrapped his hands in bandages.

"Thank you" He said

"No problem" and I kissed his forehead. "You stay here and relax. I'll finish packing for you."

"I love you Katniss" He said almost child like.

"You know how I feel." I replied.

I went to his house into his room and opened his chest of drawers. I packed him underwear, shirts pants. We don't need much our prep teams will dress us. Then I saw it. On an easel near the window. A painting of Prim sleeping in a field of green underneath a willow tree. He had painted the Valley Song. I dropped to my knees in awe. It was beautiful, like Peeta. His soul, beautiful. And I love him. I closed up his bag and walked back home. Effie in a huff over Haymitch who was sitting on his steps laughing. I heard Effie shouting at him.

"I don't know what makes you think you can just touch me or kiss me however and whenever you want! What happened was just one time and maybe if you had some sort of coothe within your bones you'd have another shot!"

When she saw me standing there her mouth was agape. I apparently was not supposed to hear that exchange.

"Well, we had better eat! Busy days ahead!" and she huffed up the stairs and slammed the door.

Inside Peeta had recovered and was feeding Buttercup leftover muffins. The creature gave me an indignant look. Peeta smiled at me.

"Excited for the train ride?"

I rolled my eyes at him.

"Don't encourage that beast. Apparently Effie and Haymitch had a little something going on."

"Oooh?" He said inquisitively. "Do tell."

I told him about what I had seen and we laughed until Effie arrived for lunch. I must make a page for Effie in our book. "The woman who succombed to Haymitch Abernathy." I must have said this last part out loud because all I heard next was the clickety clack of heels upon the floor and the slam of a door.


	3. Chapter 3

The hijacking tortures me. Although it's much better now. I no longer see Katniss as a means of destruction but vital to my survival. I am her she is me we need each other. Greasy Sae provided lunch which Effie feigned to enjoy. The food in the Capitol is so fine, and here in twelve we make due with what we have. We took a car to the train station after lunch and boarded. Haymitch made a beeline to the bar car. Katniss and I sat in the common area upon a long sofa. I lay with my head in her lap and she plays with my hair, curling the ringlets around her fingers. She's gentle, her gray eyes kind. We sit in silence for a while and watch the scenery go by.

"At least this time we're not barrelling to our deaths." Katniss says.

I laugh in reply

"Last time we were the subject of gossip. Me sleeping with you and all."

She laughs

"And we were supposed to be getting married! It was going to happen anyway!"

"Would you?" I say wondering aloud if Katniss would marry me.

"What?" She says apprehensively.

"Marry me?"

She sits silence and I lay on her lap my foot lodged in my mouth.

"Maybe…" She says "Let's be social."

She lifts my head and walks back toward the bar car. I follow feeling idiotic. Haymitch is there with Effie and Katniss's prep team. I have foregone a new prep team, choosing to be like Haymitch and sufficing to appear clean for the audience.

"Sit have a drink!" Haymitch asks cordially.

"Wouldn't want you to drink alone" Katniss says and sits beside him

"No." I reply. I don't believe in inebriants even when embarrassed. I sit at a corner table and look out the window while the others chatter on. I feel moronic. I want Katniss to marry me. I want her to be my wife, to live in a normal way if possible. Children, a home warm with love. I should've known better than to bring it up. Katniss is healing, committing to a life with someone when the stench of death is still so fresh. The world flashes by and at dinner of seafood, pasta, greens, and luscious treats. After we've eaten Katniss takes me by the hand and leads me to her sleeping quarters. We lie down her head peacefully upon my chest, her fingers tracing my abdomen.

"I'm sorry about earlier" I tell her "I let my heart do all the talking sometime."Shh.. she says I understand. I want a life one day, but for now I want to work on healing. We can do that together".

She rolls over and looks me in the eyes smiling slightly. I lay there stoic but on the inside I vacillate wildly. Her hair down rolls down her back as a river, so soft. Her skin pale yet lively warm and soft against me. Her gray eyes smile with her lips, her pink smooth lips and I am taken. I take her by the nape of her neck and lean her down to kiss me. We kiss tongues rolling against each other fluidly. I run my fingers through her hair. With my other hand around her waist I pull her closer to me. I can't get her close enough to me. I want to crawl inside and live there, her warmth enveloping me. Protecting me from the mutts in my mind. I need to taste her, I roll her over and spread her legs. I trail kisses from her down her middle to her beautiful cunt, I part the folds covering her clit and begin to kiss it gently then I lick her all the way down needing to taste her feeding that hunger. She moans, "fuck me". But I am disinclined to appease her. I want something else to feel her in a different way, I return to her clit licking and sucking and I slip my middle and ring finger inside her and pump rhythmically. She pants sighs encouraging me pulling my hair, I quicken my pace and feel her come. I release my fingers and settle my head upon her chest. She once again plays with my ringlets while catching her breath. I must have fallen asleep because when I wake the sun has departed from the sky. Katniss is curled up her breathing suggest sleep. I leave the compartment and find Haymitch as I knew I would in the bar car. My new father figure, I choke on the remainder of my fathers death. He was kind, not like my mother who taught with the back of her hands. She hated Katniss, maybe because my father loved her mother first and maybe did still when he died.

"How are you?" Haymitch asks

"Good"

"What happened to you knuckles?" The ever observant eye of Haymitch did not miss the bandages.

"An episode I punched the wall." I say monotone. Ashamed a bit.

"Are you sure you should be so close with Katniss?"

I snap "I need her, I know she's real. Everything else is what I'm confused about! I know you chose her over me but she's chosen me! It's our business." I don't know what got into me. That was totally uncalled for. When I turn around everyone is staring. I had woke up the train. Effie was actually make-up and wigless. She was pretty without, blonde, tan. Katniss with tears in her eyes.

"You're real to me too Peeta." She says this in front of everyone. "The boy with the bread, the boy who gave me the pearl." She reaches in her pocket and reveals the pearl I gave her on the beach. I stand bewildered by my outburst.

"I...I…."

"You don't need to explain" Said Haymitch "I worry about you too, you and Katniss are all I have"

Tears are streaming down all our faces. This moment is so bizarre Haymitch's inquiry wasn't anything inappropriate. I was. I embraced Haymitch who returned my hug. Katniss placed her hand on my back and led me back to the bedroom. Where I sobbed into her arms. And she sang "Deep in the meadow under the willow…"


	4. Chapter 4

I sing to him until he sleeps like I did with Rue, like I did with Prim. I fall asleep with him in my arms. When we wake the sun is just peeking out from the horizon.

"I'm sorry he says." His eyes once again clear and blue.

"Forget it I understand. You should've seen me in thirteen." I say and pat his hand

He bear hugs me and I breathe him in for a moment. Still fresh bread and cinnamon. We wake shower, dress and arrive for breakfast.

"Good morning!" Sings Effie. "Big, big day! When we arrive in the Capitol we will be taken to the former training center where we can rest for the afternoon. Then tonight we will attend dinner at the banquet hall with members of the cabinet. Other victors will be there as well…"

Effie chatters on, and everyone else acts as though last nights outburst didn't happen. I nibble my eggs, I need to appreciate food more as I've spent so much time starving. Peeta eats, and appears as though he's recovered. He drinks his tea… without sugar. We should be arriving in the Capitol within the hour so Peeta and I retire in our compartment to spend the time. He pulls out pencil and paper and begins to sketch me, asking me to sit still. I find it hard not to laugh at his deep concentration and at knowing I need to stay still. I eventually do crack and laugh laying back onto the bed.

"Hey!" he exclaims.

I wrap my legs around his torso and take him down to the bed rolling on top of him.

"So serious!" I say poking his ribs. Leaning down and kissing him. His hands run up and down my sides and I begin to undulate simulating sex.

"You're getting me too excited!" He chuckles and rolls me over pinning me down. I wriggle around under his strength. We giggle and continue this back and forth until the train halts. Haymitch swings the door open finding Peeta on top of me and my legs wrapped around him. I throw a pillow at him.

"Goddammit you guys! Take a break! We're here." He says

"Knock you booze hound!" I yell as he leaves.

Hand in hand we stroll from the train to the platform. My heart drops with my jaw. Gale is there to greet us. He's silent for the most part talking only with the other suit who is there with him, but he stares at me. Like a wounded animal. He looks from my face to my hand entwined with Peeta. I pull him closer to me and attempt to avoid his gaze. He did not cognizantly kill my sister, but his weapon did. Gale who I once believed I loved. I never did not like Peeta. Gale is full of vengeance. Hatred. Gale who taught me to make snares was himself ensnared in war. The war brought us all out exposed us for who we really are. And Gale, is the hunter his knowledge the taking of life. I find myself hating him.

We silently file into our cars and without a sound I ride to the facility staring out the window. What will I say to him? He would have been in Peeta's place if there were no games, no war. When we arrive we head to our old familiar apartment. Gale, the official follow us. Gale catches my arm before I can escape to the bedroom.

"I miss you" He says to me.

"Don't" I say.

His eyes flare "You don't understand. I didn't know what was going to happen."

I lose my temper.

"Regardless whether or not Prim died, you made things that killed people! You had no qualms about me killing people in the games! Even if it were Peeta! Life means nothing to you if it stands in your way! Peeta was the only person here who had it right! Peeta is the only one who is good" The last part I screamed at him. I feel a hand on my arm, Haymitch pulling me back. Gale had a red streak across his face. I had slapped him. I storm off toward the bedroom shoving Haymitch. I find the bathroom and barricade myself inside and weep. I miss Gale too. Gale my friend in the woods. We were all we had for a time. The only one who knew me. Now neither one of us knows the other. It's not hate I'm feeling rather mourning. I dig through the bathroom cupboards looking for a razor, I tear bath towels hoping to make a noose. There's rumbling behind the door. It's Peeta trying to reach me. Peeta… who fed me, who saved me from Cato, who would die for me. I scan the ground around me and feel foolish. The door breaks down, Peeta lifts me by my wrists.

"What are you doing?"

"I...I…"

"Stay with me." He says

"Always" I reply and he pulls me to him. The rage fades away as I listen to his heart beating. There's a knock at the bedroom door.

"She's fine" Peeta replies he turns to me and looks at the tools I had arranged on the floor

"Don't you ever think of leaving me again! If you love me you won't do this, you hurt I hurt. You die they win. You're too stubborn for that." He pulls me in and kisses me. I love you I think.

"Should we picnic on the roof?" I suggest

"Oh my God yes!" He replies


	5. Chapter 5

I lay on her lay bathing in the sun as she weaves flowers into my hair. Her gray eyes glassy. I sit up.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but I love you and when I say I'm devoted I am which means I'll keep you from harm, even if that means doing something unpleasant."

Which means I'll send her to the hospital. The scars marking her arms aren't all from the fire. She can't live this way. Her eyes flare for a moment and then she audibly swallows her rage.

"I understand" she says plainly.

"You hurt I hurt."

I sit up across from her and she throughs grapes at my head which then turns into me trying to catch them in my mouth at varying distances. Alas, we cannot enjoy this permanently and we are summoned back to the real world so Katniss can be primped. She's escorted away and I'm left standing in the living room of the apartment. Gale is sitting on the couch with Johanna smoking. When she sees me she gives me a sympathetic look and leaves to get primped herself.

"Looks like you won huh?" Gale says flatly

"It's not a competition."

"I know, I knew she loved you all along. I was your substitute. I was her mentor, we would have eventually destroyed each other. She loves you. I just wish she knew how sorry I am. How I wish things can go back…." His eyes become misty as he speaks.

"You have to accept there is no going back. Your lives headed in different directions. How do you like it in two?"

He smirks a little bit.

"I miss the woods but I like it all right. I work in the training facility teaching military recruits to shoot, and survival skills. I still do some weapons development as well. I met a girl from one her name is Diamond, she knows how to shoot from training in the academy. She's different from Katniss, maybe more self assured in a way. She knows what she wants and we work together as well."

I'm relieved to hear that he's moved on. Although Gale and I were never friends so to speak he's from twelve he took care of Katniss when I couldn't. His well-being is important to me, although he and I ultimately wanted the same thing we both are healing. Gale has a thriving career which he is good at. I think Katniss can appreciate that as well.

"Give her time. She'll come around. The wounds of losing Prim are too fresh, deep down she knows it's not your fault. Things will never be the same and things can get better."

He seems shocked by how supportive I am.

"Thanks my friend"

I nod in the affirmative. He offers me a cigarette which I accept. We sit silently smoking.

"Shit, I've gotta get ready. I was working out before you arrived. I'm pretty ripe."

He slaps me on the shoulder.

"Later."  
His camaraderie surprises me. I hear a two giggles behind me. One Haymitch, one Johanna.

"Seems like you have a regular bromance going on." Johanna teases.

"I was expecting a fight, I even brought popcorn for the event." Haymitch adds.

"Ha-Ha" I reply "I've gotta take a shower and what are you doing Johanna?"

She's barely clothed. Her hair was wet prep-teams don't enjoy being left waiting.

"I needed a break after being showered." She replied

I nodded I understood the torture she endured left scars in her mind as well. I gave her an empathetic nod and trotted up the stairs. Someone presumably Effie had laid a suit out for me. Not too offensive. A white v-neck t-shirt with a black suit coat and tight fitting black slacks. I showered and dressed myself I wore the black pair of boots here which were the only shoes I brought. I covered my curls in a black beanie hat and strolled down the stairs.

Haymitch and Gale were already there drinking and chit- chatting. Haymitch had showered and wore a button up shirt with a vest. Gale was in full military attire from the beret on his head to the shiny shoes on his feet.

"Peeta! Come meet Diamond!"

Those damn One names. She had the appearance of being from one. Flowing blonde curls which ended at her waist, emerald eyes. She wore a flowing emerald jumpsuit cerut low in the front almost to her navel, I'm not quite sure how her breasts were covered. Halter top completely open in the back the pants were wide legged so much so the ensemble could have passed for a dress. She was adorned with a gold and diamond necklace which rested between her breast with a matching bracelet. Her shoes were platform sparkling gold pumps. Her lashes were long and her lids were painted with pastel green. Her lips painted pink. She was indeed sexy to say the least.

"Hi" I said reaching out my hand.

She took it "Hi, you I was such a fan of you during the games. I fought in the rebellion as well with Paylor. They give women the option of wearing their own clothes to events."

I don't think their relationship is based on love he holds her at the lower waist and she seems to enjoy his attention. They do look the part both beautiful, Gale with his high position and her beauty.

"We'll see you soon." Gale says and they depart.

Haymitch looks at me "Wow… what's a boy from the seam doing with that?"

"I honestly don't know" I replied

"I'd give my left nut for a night with her… I'd better shut my trap before Effie shows up. She agreed to be my date, I'm hoping to get lucky tonight."

"Oh?" I replied.

Johanna thuds down the stair wearing a hunter green peplum mini dress, with a long string of pearls her short brown hair in finger waves, her eyes smoky her lips dark. She wears black wedges.

"Who's getting lucky?" She asks

"Haymitch" I reply

"Ah! Anyone gotta cigarette?" She quips

Haymitch passes her one and she lights it.

"We just waiting on Katniss? I'm starving! I'm ready to stuff my fucking face!"

Johanna is ever brash.

And as she says this Katniss descends the stairs. All other women pale in comparison, she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Haymitch whistles. She's wearing a black evening gown, the top is a strapless lace bodice and the bottom flows to the floor. The hair framing her face is in finger waves while the rest is pulled into a loose chignon. Her eyes are lined in black appearing as cat eyes and her lashes are made to be impossibly long. Her lips are mauve her blush accentuates her cheekbones in just the right way. I love her I think to myself. I've also prepared her a gift to wear tonight which is perfect for her ensemble. Effie appears through the door, also looking pretty her blonde hair is left alone styled into a pompadour, she's wearing a pink evening gown with a halter top and high-low skirt. She is plain compared to Katniss.

"Let's go! Don't want to be late for our own party!" She chimes.

"Give us a second" I say and Haymitch, Johanna, and Effie file out of the room.

"Katniss, I have a gift for you before we leave."


	6. Chapter 6

He stares at me smiling a bit. My prep team said they were going for "va-va-voom" tonight. I guess they got the desired effect. Peeta reaches into his pocket and hands me a thin rectangular box. I open it and my heart flies. The pearl he had given me on the beach set on a gold chain.

"I thought you would like to wear it." He said

"Peeta…" I gasp

"Turn around let's try it on."

I turn my back to him and he slips the chain around my neck and clasps it gently. The chain is long enough that the pearl sits where the bodice of my dress begins. It's beautiful, simple, and elegant. He wraps his arms around me, and I feel him breathing me in.

"I love you" He says

I turn around wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him deeply.

"We had better go before we start something" He says eyes hungry, hand gripping me tightly around my waist sliding toward me ass.

"Frisky!" I say and take him by the hand. We walk hand in hand out the door. I then see Johanna, looking sexy as always. I let go of Peetas hand and wrap my arms around her. She smells like pine and cigarettes.

"All right, all right!" she says "Let's go!"

Haymitch offers his hand to Effie who accepts and we walk to the car.

"Haymitch is hoping to get some tonight" Peeta whispers in my ear, which makes me shutter even though he's saying something comical. I want to feel him all over me. I giggle a little bit.

Peeta opens the car door for me and I climb in we're off to the banquet hall at the President's mansion. The Capitol is almost rebuilt and unrecognizable. The gaudy infrastructure now appears glamourous. The banquet hall is ornate marble floors and columns. A painted rotunda of angels and cherubs. I look at Peeta.

"They painted you when I put flowers in your hair."

Gale stands with some girl who looks like she's been hired and Annie, her hair braided and her gown seafoam green strapless with an empire waist. She runs her hands over braid eyes vacant searching. For Finnick maybe?

"Fuck yeah! Food!" Johanna says, running toward a table covered in food.

"This is Diamond" says Gale she shakes my hand. She looks cattily in my eyes.

Effie attempts to push us toward our table.

"Toast time! Toast time!"

Enobaria rubs against me. Wearing leopard print pants paired with a black bodice.

"Katniss" she nods to me.

I know she hates being her just like I do.

"There's plenty of booze to make it easier" I say to her

We sit and a screen is lowered showing a film highlighting the bravery of each living victor. When the film has ended President Paylor stands at the podium

"These brave men and women have seen the true terror of the Snow regime! We honor them tonight! Here we stand free thanks to these victors! We are proud of all of you we thank you. For the rest of your life may you know happiness!" She calls us then all by name individually "Raise your glass! Victors we are forever indebted to you!"

Everyone drinks and cheers. Enobaria leans over to me.

"They changed their tune"

She was right not too long ago I was begging for their lives. Enobaria although from two was treated as a traitor by the Capitol during the war. What she suffered we can't know. Peeta grabs my hand and takes me to the dance floor, he holds me close and sways whispering in my ear.

"I want you so bad. Let's take a break."

I welcome the escape. The sentence "we are indebted to you.." rings in my ears it makes me want to puke. We head up the stairs and check each door looking for an unlocked one. Finally we find a lounge.

Peeta pushes me down onto a sofa. Ravishes my neck with kisses. My insides are on fire. I push myself into him. He unzipped the back of my dress and I slip it off.

"Fuck" he says.

He grabs my wrists and forces the over my head. Eyes on fire.

"You can't touch or kiss me understand?"  
Excited I nod my head.

He reaches down and begins to massage my clit. The blood flows and I swell. A small moan squeaks out. He unzips his pants and pushes them down he puts my legs over his shoulders and enters me, deeper than anything I've ever felt. He pushes deeper and deeper grunting with each thrust. His eyes are wild now. My lips touch his arm and he stops.

"Don't fucking touch me!" He growls

I shake my head affirmatively and he begins thrusting again. I can't take it my insides contract.

"Fuck" I whisper "I'm gonna come"

"Let it out. Scream" He says

And I do. I scream his name and release the pleasure with everything in me. Which encourages him to fuck me harder. When he comes he does so with all his might. He crumples on top of me, kiss my breast gently.

"We should go back to the party" I say

We head back down and the party is in full swing. Effie is dancing with Haymitch who turns and dips her. Both of them are smiling and laughing. Gale and Diamond are doing some sort of dance from One. Johanna is in a corner making out with some woman with tattoos. Then the band strikes up a tune from twelve and Peeta grabs my hand we gather in a circle with Gale and Haymitch and we grab Annie who is smiling remembering dancing at her wedding reception. Annie and I dance about switching partners linking arms with Haymitch, Peeta and Gale. The crowd has gathered around us and are clapping to the rhythm. Johanna has raced from the corner and joined the festive dancing, and we giggle while we dance together. Finally I swing over to Gale. I don't feel hatred right now. I feel like we're back in Twelve his eyes are dancing and Peeta is swinging Annie around. Even Enobaria the stoic warrior is clapping along. The music winds down and we all catch our breath.

"Who says we take the party back to the apartment!?" Johanna cries

"I second that!" Gale says breathless and he slaps Peeta on the back.

Haymitch pulls Effie in and plants a kiss on her cheek I think she blushes from underneath the make-up. Johanna links her arm in mine and we skip into a waiting car.


	7. Chapter 7

We head back to the apartment. Katniss and Johanna giggling. Haymitch pops open a bottle of champagne.

"Not too much. Busy day tomorrow" Effie says concerned.

"Loosen up doll" Johanna quips.

Johanna stands up on a barstool raises her glass and in a mock voice says:

"To the brave Victors who we are indebted to!" Then she straightens up "Here's to those bitches not killing us and throwing us a kick ass party!"

"Here, Here!" We say.

Katniss raises her hand

"Can we put something more comfortable on?"

Haymitch refills all of our glasses

"Here, Here!"

And me, Katniss, and Johanna run up the stairs. Katniss slips off her dress and I feel that wild feeling again. Needing to touch her I hug her close. I let her go and she slips into a pair of leggings and and one of my undershirts which makes me happy. I put on sweat pants and an undershirt and we meet Johanna who redressed in a flannel and leggings and the others down stairs. Johanna teaches us a drinking game they play in Seven where a category is chosen and each person writes an associated word on paper, a player shuffles the stack and each player without looking sticks the paper on their forehead each taking turns trying to guess what it is given clues. When one guesses wrong they drink, when right we all drink. Soon we're all drunk. Gale is sitting sideways in his seat, Haymitch still functional, the girls all loud chittering Diamond and Johanna stripping their clothes and dancing in their underwear Effie horrified Katniss laughing at her distress, even though not that long ago Katniss would have been the horrified one. Haymitch then pulls Effie onto his lap and kisses her deeply, then whispers in her ear and they depart the table to his bedroom. Johanna cat calls then grabs Katniss by the wrists and strips her to her underwear as well. Gale shifts in his seat uncomfortably. I feel the madness again seeing Katniss's exposed skin, I can't take it. Gale then leans back, lights a cigarette and swigs his beer. He slaps me on the back.

"We're two lucky bastards right now!" He quips.

I nod and smile, but I don't feel lucky. I feel hungry. Katniss sways and smiles at me. Johanna and Diamond begin kissing, and Diamond sits backward in Gale's lap. I feel sick I want no part of this. I pull Katniss by her arm and drag her upstairs. She seems shocked.

"You're mine" I say almost breathless.

"Peeta…" she says stroking my arm.

I find myself crying, and I'm not sure why. I don't want Katniss to be like that. Seeing her body is only for me. I'm shaking, furious on the inside that she indulged in such behavior.

"...You're hurting me"

I am, I'm gripping her arm tightly unaware of my own strength. I relinquish her arm. She's not scared, rather concerned. I'm so angry. I think of her in thirteen with Gale. She had stripped in front of Gale. He had been inside her once.

"He had you too. I don't want him to see you… Did you like him more? Was he better than me?"

She puts my face in her hands her eyes concerned.

"You fucking whore, you fucked him…. you fucked him! While they were hijacking my brain!" I have begun screaming. I hear footsteps up the stairs.

"Shhh… not real " she says "… not real"

Gale swings open the door….

"What the fuck is going on here? He hurting you?"

"No." She says

His accusation angers me, and I tackle him to the ground. I see the face of Cato and I begin to choke him. He punches me in return now on top of me, we're throwing punches at each other. More foot steps pound up the hall. Haymitch in his underwear throws Gale off of me then sits on me. Katniss and Johanna are holding each other and crying. Katniss screaming "Not real! Not real!" Over and over. Johanna releases her and instead of running to me she runs downstairs. Her shuffling through the kitchen supplies audibly.

"Johanna! Get her" Haymitch screams still on top of me. Gale is rubbing his neck.

Johanna sprints.

"Get the fuck off me!" I cry and throw Haymitch off me. I barrell down the stairs pushing Johanna out of the way. Katniss is laying on the kitchen tile blood flowing from her left wrist. I run to her take off my shirt and tie it into a tourniquet around her arm.

"Fuck! Fuck! Get a medic! Get someone!" I scream

I cradle her in my arms.

"I'm sorry! I love you, I love you, I love you." I scream to her.

Her glassy eyes meet mine.

"That's real?" and she begins to sob

"That's the only thing that's real"

I lay on the floor with her petting her hair we're laying in her blood. Johanna cries and a doctor arrives. He gives me a shot. Gale is storming around screaming for them to sedate me. Haymitch and Johanna begging him not to separate us. Haymitch weeping.  
"He loves her, I'll babysit them. I'll stay sober, I'll babysit him. Send us back to Twelve. Being here has brought too much up."

Johanna begging along: "I'll stay with them, don't take them back to the hospital!"

In a fog I watch the doctor apply ointment to her arm closing the wound. He sighs. Gale screaming at him to send me back.

"They never should have come here. I'm ordering a home health specialist to stay with them in Twelve where they are CONFINED until their doctor deems them stable."

I lay my head back down. Now Katniss is whispering to me.

"I love you, that's real, keep me please. Stay with me. I made a mistake. I always love. Stay with me."

I hear Gale shouting at her "A mistake? He's the mistake!"

I open my eyes as much as I can.  
"Always…" I tell her. My dreams are tortured, tracker jackers coming for her. Cato cutting my leg when I come to her rescue. My father telling me Katniss is real. Katniss singing to me the Valley Song. When I open my eyes she is singing me the Valley Song.

"Here is the place where I love you…"


	8. Chapter 8

They made us stay in the hospital for a few days after the incident. I mostly stayed curled with Peeta in his bed. I guess it was lost on me how big he is. He's not very tall but when I lay in his arms I'm dwarfed by the sheer size of him. His strength is present always, his arms ripple, his chest puffy. We don't talk for the most part just lay there and watch the sun go along it's daily journey from one end of the sky to the next. Eventually Dr. Aurelius arrives. He sits across from us in a visitors chair. He clears his throat, and asks if it's okay to address both of us together. We both nod. Peeta he explains has Dissociative Identity Disorder from the hijacking the alcohol had disinhibited allowing the personality created by the hijacking to break through as a defense mechanism. It was obvious he no longer viewed me as a threat to his physical well being but he was insecure in my love for him. He was prescribed anti-psychotic drugs and ordered to call once a day. I had Borderline Personality Disorder which had morphed from a lifetime of trauma and abandonment. The perception of Peeta's imminent abandonment both when he had returned from the hijacking and during last night's episode had triggered a fight or flight response. He prescribed a regimen of anti-depressants, daily phone calls, and professional supervision. He introduced us to Millie a nurse from Four who also knew my mother who would be monitoring us upon our return to Twelve he also advised us to stay away from mood altering drugs such as alcohol. He shook our hands and wished us luck. Peeta fingered the bandages on my arms, and then wept.

"I don't want to hurt you ever."

I stroked the downy hair on his arm.  
"I know." I kept my feelings inside constantly to protect myself. Perhaps that was hurting Peeta.

"I love you Peeta. Desperately. I don't want to live without you." I shifted to look him in his angelic blue eyes one rimmed with bruises from his engagement with Gale. His lips swollen. "I never did. I fell in love with you in the cave. I just was afraid. I love you now even more."

Tears streaming down his cheeks he crushed my lips with his.

"Marry me" He whispered.  
"One day" I replied.  
We held each other. What a gentle lover he is. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

"I still think you're the only person out of any of us who is good" I say.

Finnick knew it too, and Haymitch, and to some extent Gale. Peeta just pressed me tighter. Haymitch opened the door. I responded by throwing a pillow at his face.

"Knock!"

"Look who's feeling better! We're going home this afternoon. Get ready"

Johanna was with him. She filled Dr. Aurelius's former seat and stroked my arm. We sat this way for another hour, until Effie knocked on the door alerting us it was time to go. I got dressed in the clothes I was wearing the other night. Peeta put on his sweatpants and a new shirt. We walked to a car to take us to the train station. Gale met us there, his face equally bruised, a bandage covering his nose, his throat purple from Peeta's grip. He's so strong. Gale hugged me and gave a sad look to Peeta. Peeta met him in his eyes and embraced him. The two then embraced each other as though they were brothers.

"Take care of yourself" He said to Peeta hands on his shoulders

"Keep in touch" Peeta told him.

With that we boarded the train. Peeta and I heading back to a sleeping compartment where we resumed holding each other in silence. Eventually I drifted to sleep. The face of Marvel shown at me an arrow through his chest. He began to sing The Hanging Tree, where he, Cato, Clove, Rue, Finnick, Brutus, Wiress, Glimmer, Gloss, and Cashmere all dangled together. Finally Snow pulling the ropes like curtains stood laughing blood. I woke screaming, disoriented. Then I felt Peeta my lovers chest. His voice comforting me.

"It's a dream, it's a dream"

I turn and wrap one arm around his neck, impulsively with the other find his cock with the other and begin stroking. His eyes dilate.

"K.. Katniss" He whispers.

Perhaps I was being impulsive looking for comfort in inappropriate places but I didn't care. I swung a leg over Peeta and removed my pants. I then freed my hand and pulled his down as well then guided him into me. I pressed my chest against him and undulated until in unison we came. I rolled over and turned my back to him. He hand gripped my shoulder and rolled men over. He planted kisses on my lips down my neck and pressed me into his chest. I almost felt crushed.

"Don't ever turn from me. Now I show you how I love you"

He rolled on top of me, cradled my arms in his arms, and slowly pushed inside me. He entered me fully and gently thrust. He took one hand and placed it around my face so I looked him in the eyes. His eyes were swollen with love.

"I love you, I've only loved you. I am all yours. Don't turn away from me. I am your home"

Tears flowed as the pleasure welled up inside me. I almost squeaked as I came. the threw my arms around his neck and whispered back.

"I'm sorry. Never stop loving me"

"Never he replied"

For the next half hour we continued this way until he came. We returned to our original position until the door creaked open.

"Goddamn it Haymitch!" I screamed

"My bad!" It was Johanna. I guess knocking wasn't in her bag of tricks either.

"Dinner time" She said. "Clean up." and laughed sashaying out of the room.

We obliged and went to eat dinner with the rest of our troop. As usual the food was delightful. Haymitch and Johanna exchanged comical insults and we all laughed. Effie smiled brilliantly.

"Look at us. We're like a family!"

And we were.

"We are." Peeta said.

Johanna is my sister, Haymitch my drunken uncle, Effie my crazy aunt, and Peeta is my husband. I smiled widely. All this time I was mourning the loss of my family, I had pieced together a new one. It consisted of broken parts, but we fit together. Perhaps, there is hope for the future.

"When everything has settled down we should all take a vacation to Four. I hear that they've built some amazing beach resorts there." Effie suggests

"Hells yea!" Johanna agrees.

The rest of us nodded as we chewed our food.

"It's decided then! I'll make the plans as soon as the doctors say it's okay!"

"Something to look forward to" Peeta agreed.

At this moment I am happy. I am with my broken family, and together we are whole.


	9. Chapter 9

Upon returning home the months passed. Millie who we grew to like made sure all doctors advice was followed. She was stern looking except for her seafoam green eyes. Her gray hair was kept pulled back into a tight bun and her accent was thick bordering the same as Mags. She was motherly and honest. I returned to painting, baking, and gardening. Katniss returned to the woods with Johanna who stayed with us. Haymitch did not completely abstain from drinking but stayed sober enough to be available if called upon. One day I suggested to Katniss that she join me in running the bakery. I would hire Greasy Sae and we would use the game she brought in to make pot-pies. She loved the idea. I worked with Greasy Sae drawing up a menu. Johanna studied under Greasy Sae learning to cook. Johanna's birthday was coming up, the same day as Finnick and Annie's son. We hoped to be allowed to travel to Four to celebrate both. A new Hospital was opening in his honor as well. The Finnick O'Dair Hospital for Mental Illness. Word traveled that Cressida was filming a documentary about the life of Finnick and wanted to interview us about him. The film would air at the opening of the hospital. Dr. Aurelius agreed to allow us to participate in the both the film and the trip to Four. Soon after Effie arrived.

"I booked our stay! Six nights at the Cornelius Resort, there will be a yacht tour, fishing, one night for the film, and a party for Johanna and little Finnick!" She sang.

Haymitch was the most excited of any of us. I actually think he missed Effie after we left the Capitol.

"No cock blocking me again this time" He looked down his nose at me.

"Promise" I said

"Hey!" Katniss piped "I have to teach Peeta to swim!"

Katniss was surprisingly pro-active since our return. She had written a petition to the government, convincing Haymitch to repeal the Hunger Games vote was not hard task but, Johanna was a tough shell to crack.

"Peeta was right it makes us no better than them" She explained "doesn't feeling so much hate wear you out? Why force the child to pay for the sins of their father?"

"Fine" Johanna conceded, after she could no longer think of a rational argument for the games. Effie stayed with us while the documentary was filmed. Hustling Haymitch to be ready for his appointed interview time. The stronger we became the more bored Millie did. She took up knitting, and found entertainment in the hijinks between Effie and Haymitch.

"Like an old married couple" She said

"Yup, it's been like this for a while. I like to think of him as a school boy with a crush. He's a pain in the ass to get her attention." I said

"Odd couple."

"Indeed" Quipped Johanna.

We spilled our guts to Cressida about Finnick, offering Katniss sugar, plotting with Johanna before the Quell, saving my life. We reminisced about the feast of seafood on the beach and how easy it was to collect the bounty. It was both cathartic and heart breaking. In two weeks we would get our vacation.

"Ready for swimming lessons?" Katniss asked

"Ready as I ever will be" I replied.

She took me into the woods, her steps ever silent, ever the hunter even when she was not on the hunt. She pointed significant places out to me, her hollow where she kept her bow and arrows. Where she and Gale would meet. We walked far. I had to rest often as my artificial leg wore on the skin of the stump making it raw. We finally arrive at a lake deep in the woods. We lay out towels. Katniss strips bare and slips into the water. I take off my clothing remove my leg and clumsily hop into the lake to join her. The cool water feels amazing on the irritated skin of my stump. The water reflects off of Katniss's eyes and as she lays on her back I can see her pink nipples now stand taught from their exposure. The pearl necklace rests between her breasts. Katniss swims up to me we work on paddling and backstroke which is so much easier for me only having one leg. I pick up the backstroke quickly, and we float on our backs Katniss's dark hair spreads out into the water forming a crown. When we are at a level I can stand I run my fingers down her tracing the underside of each breast, circling her nipples. She closes her eyes and lets a sigh out. She's so lovely floating there. Her pale skin glowing, the water lapping at her curves worshipping her. Her legs instruments of grace. I grow hard looking at her. I pull her up to stand in front of me and we look each other in the eyes. She reaches out a hand and strokes my face. I slip a hand around her waist and pull me to her. We turn in a slow circle. With my free hand I mirror her stroking her face. She kisses each of my finger tips. I press her against me more firmly so she can feel my fullness. I feel desperate. She is desperately beautiful, that hungry girl, the girl I need to feed. Her hands slide to my chest, down to my abdomen, and finally to my cock gently stroking it. I allow her to do this while I kneed her breasts with my baker's hands. I lift her in the water her legs around my hips and suck her pink nipples. I tease with my teeth, and alternate loving each breast equally. We move toward the shore where I lay her down the water lapping at us half submerged. We kiss madly, our tongues desperate to taste the other. I put a finger in her opening and she lets out a soft moan into my mouth. I massage her momentarily, then I slip an arm behind her waist and lift her hips in one motion I enter her. I balance on my free arm, pumping watching her face, feeling her warmth around me. She lets out soft moans with each thrust, cheering me on. I thrust more quickly, and she with her strong hunters legs rolls us over me still inside her. At first she keeps her chest on mine and undulates. Then she sits upright and rocks back and forth. It's the most amazing thing I've ever felt. It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The sun kissing the water droplets on her skin making them glow. Her back arching her face looking down at me with hunger and fullness all at the same time. I feel her tighten around me, her pace slows, she tightens more. She throws back her head and loudly lets out my name. The grip of her insides releases and I roll her over once more onto her stomach, one hand under her I lift her hips and once again enter her. Her hands grip onto the silt as I pump inside her, now it is I who am swelling. Her back arches against me. I move the cascade of dark hair to one side and kiss her neck while I come. I pump slower and slower until I have released all I have to give. I crumple down beside her. She giggles and splashes my face. She puts back on my leg and we make it to our towels, where she pulls out some bread and cheese.

"Why did you never say anything. Growing up…" She asks

I sit and think.

"I didn't think you'd want me. My mother hated you, you were from the seam and my father loved your mother before they were together."

" What?" She asks.

"My father told me that he loved your mother, but she didn't love him back. Your father had stolen her heart away, when he sang the mockingjays stopped to listen. That didn't cause hard feelings toward your father. He understood, she was enchanted by him. When he died my mother became jealous again."

"Oh." She said "You never talk about your family."

"What's there to say. My mother hated me, thought I was useless. I think she saw me as being too much like my father. She didn't think boys should be so sensitive, she would hit me if I cried. My father was a good man, he cared about everyone. If he would have been at the bakery that day, he'd have fed you. My brothers, really there's nothing to say my oldest brother Paul was too absorbed in making money. My middle brother beat me up when my mother wasn't. He was at the reaping that day. When my name was called he did nothing."

She kicks the soot around.

"My mother lost it when my father died. I raised Prim. She loved looking at the cakes in the bakery. I wanted to save money to buy her one for her birthday. The cake you made for Annie and Finnick, she adored as well."

"I think we need each other Katniss." I said to her "I can't live without you."

"I don't think I could live without you Peeta. I know I can't. When I thought you were dead I was ready to run away, end it all. I was too stupid to realize I love you. The sun's getting low. Let's go before Haymitch and Johanna eat up all the food."

We rise and put our clothes on. The march back is downhill and easier. I only need to stop once. When we return to the village, I can hear Effie chastising Haymitch for his pig sty.

"Like and old married couple" I say.

Katniss laughs. Dinner goes by festively and I clean up with Johanna. She nudges me.

"Here" she says and hands me an object wrapped in cloth. I remove the cloth to see a woven golden ring, tiny diamonds adorn it. I look at her puzzled.

"When the time is right to give to Katniss. You're not planning on just shacking up with her are you?"

I shake my head.

"Good. It's from Four. Mags gave it to me before the Quell. Her husband gave this ring to her. She wanted someone special to have it. She gave herself up for you and Katniss."

I take the ring. Still puzzled.

"Why?"

"You are special, and Katniss is special when she is with you. Just take the fucking ring and shut up!"

She had to add the last part. It's not in Johanna's nature to be sentimental, or to display any emotion.

"Fine! Jeezus"

We sit and turn on the television projection. It's a tribute to the victors. Highlighting how each of us had won our games. Caesar Flickerman commentating.

"Turn that shit off!" Haymitch bellows "We know how we won."

Effie always trying to keep things light with people who are heavy rings:

"How about music instead!" She claps her hands and stands up putting her hands out for Haymitch. He swings her around laughing. Then we all get up and begin to dance in the most obnoxious forms possibly, each taking a turn with Effie.

We are a fucked up family indeed. The next day Millie calls the Capitol telling them she believes we are stable enough to return to normal. They take her at her word and she will go back to Four with us when we leave for our vacation. I swing Katniss around with joy.

"I'm gonna eat the fuck out of some shrimp!" Johanna exclaims.

Effie claps her hands in delight.

"I did some shopping for the girls!" She said and presents a bag which contain a variety of bathing suits.

"Ooh La-La" Johanna says.

"Peeta you can pick mine" Katniss says looking at me.

"Something to look forward to" I say.

She rolls her eyes, turns on her heel and flips me her middle finger as she walks away. I rub my fingers on the ring in my pocket. Johanna's words ringing through my mind and I so badly wish that now was the right time.


	10. Chapter 10

Travel day and I couldn't be more excited. Effie had gone shopping before she arrived in Twelve for me and Johanna. She probably wasn't trusting of my fashion choices but the dresses were pretty and fine. Johanna donned her usual flannel and leggings combo to travel in. Peeta in his usual v neck t-shirt and sweat pants as well. I think this is the first vacation I've ever been on. In fact the first time I had traveled outside of Twelve was my first stint as a tribute. We file onto the train and we sit in the common area. I curl up beside Peeta and close my eyes. We must have all fallen asleep because when I open my eyes Johanna, Peeta and I are all jumbled in a heap on top of each other. Haymitch with his mouth wide open head flopped back like a newborn baby.

"We're here!" Effie cries.

We disembark the train and file into waiting cars. The sun is still peaking out behind the horizon and palm trees sway in the breeze. Canals criss-cross the streets like avenues, and fishermen can be seen unloading their days haul. The buildings are square and moss hangs from the trees. It's warm and muggy. Johanna has slipped on a pair of oversized sunglasses and removed her flannel wearing just a tank top, braless as per usual. When we arrive at the resort I'm in awe. The hotel is not a high rise rather, a series of waterfront cottages. A restaurant sits in the middle of the compound, and boats sit upon the docks like a parking lot. A fire pits sit behind each cottage and as the sun sets the insects begin singing, similar to the sounds of Twelve. We split off into our cottages Peeta and I are sharing one to ourselves while Haymitch, Effie, and Johanna occupy the neighboring cottage. We unload our bags from our arms, Peeta's curls become tighter in the soupy air. Our bedroom is tidy with white walls and two doors leading to a porch outside with the backyard and firepit. We look through the small kitchen. The resort is not at all gaudy, it's quite quaint actually. We find supplies for making S'mores.

"Wanna get the others?" Peeta asks

"Yes" He moves in close to me and wraps his arms around my waist. His eyes are searching for something, he appears to be thinking very hard.

"You okay?" I ask

"I just love you too damn much" He says and breaks our embrace.

Hand in hand we stroll to the adjacent cottage and knock on the door. Johanna has slipped on a pair of shorts, Haymitch is in shorts, while Effie has removed her wig, her natural blonde hair in a top knot, she's wearing a beautiful flowing sundress her tan skin glowing. She looks like she belongs in Four.

"These are the amenities!" She spits out "Where is the caviar?"

This is a bit quaint for her Capitol pedigree. Peeta flashes chocolate and marshmallows.

"S'mores?"

"What?" She honks

"Darling, you're in for a treat." Haymitch says slapping her on the ass.

"I'll start the fire" Johanna says hopping the porch railing and trotting toward the fire pit. Peeta and I gather sticks for roasting marshmallows while Haymitch attempts to calm a distraught Effie. Johanna has a fire roaring and is sitting in a wicker rocking chair smoking a cigarette waiting for us. Effie sits looking like a pouting child. We pass around sticks and marshmallows.

"Look darling you skewer the marshmallow and roast it on the fire." Haymitch demonstrates he blows his marshmallow out. "Then you put it on a graham cracker and put a piece of chocolate. These were very special in Twelve since we rarely had chocolate. I know you love chocolate."

Effie perks up a bit.

"Messy isn't it?" She giggles and gingerly skewers a marshmallow. She sticks it into the fire and squeals when it catches fire. She spreads the marshmallow on the cracker with chocolate and bites into the gooey goodness. She smiles. "Quite lovely. It's delicious!"

Johanna sits back in her chair.

"Back in Seven camping was our version of vacationing. However, camping usually was the perks of going out to chop lumber. It would get really cold during the winter and eating S'mores by the fire was something special. We saved up for chocolate all year. We we're as destitute as you were in Twelve, but we didn't have the pleasures of the Capitol either."

I had never heard Johanna talk about her upbringing in Seven. I was glad she was happy.

"My father used to take me camping" I said "Sometimes we only had marshmallows, but we always had game to roast on the fire. This reminds me of my dad. I think Peeta was the only one of us in Twelve who had access to chocolate consistently."

"Yea, we would make fondue with leftovers my brothers and I." He says "My dad would sneak us the chocolate, it would be fun because we had to hide it from my mom."

"I would steal it. From the Hob. My friends and I would sneak out into the woods and smoke our stolen tobacco and eat our stolen treats. To us that was the life." Haymitch adds.

Now I'm shocked Haymitch never talks about his younger days.

"One of those friends was your dad Katniss" He winks when he says that.

I could see my father being a bit of a rebel in his day. The Games ruined that for Haymitch.

"My…" Says Effie she seems a bit trepidatious. "I never wanted for anything. Chocolate has always been my favorite. My daddy imported it. Chocolate of all kinds was at my finger tips."

We all sit back and look at the sky. We continue to rib Effie about her privileged upbringing. We lay it on thicker that she is actually enjoying the company and traditions of us lowlifes from the districts. Eventually we retire back to our cottages. Peeta removes his clothes and draws a bath. I follow him, he lifts my shirt above my head and hugs my bare frame. He's still pensive.

"What is it Peeta?"

He reaches into the pocket of his pants laying on the floor and pulls out a small woven gold ring.

"Johanna gave it to me to give to you when the time is right." He says eyes down cast. "I want so badly for the time to be right." He plants kisses on my bare abdomen. I stare at the ring. "Mags gave it to her before the Quell to give to someone special." The ring is intricate tiny diamond chips adorn the ring all the way around. It is beautiful like Peeta. It just hasn't been that long since all the violence ended. We're still learning to be human again.

"I have an idea." I remove the pearl necklace from around my neck and take the ring from Peeta's hand slipping the chain through the ring. I re clasp the necklace.

He looks up and smiles.

"Please Katniss. Just tell me the words. You will marry me."

"In due time Peeta, I will marry you." Then I add to break the tension. "If you play your cards right."

He laughs and splashes me. Then kisses me passionately. Before there is time to think we are in the tub grinding both of us moaning and coming. We wash one another and slip naked into bed. I wake to Peeta stroking me.

"You never quit do you?"

"Never, ever" He whispers

I reach down my hand and take his erection and stroke it we look into each others eyes.

"Let's not have sex, let's use our hands" I say.

"Okay" He says. And we look into each others eyes panting as I stroke him head to shaft him directing my pace. His fingers pump inside me, stroking my clit with his thumb. He lets out a cry as he comes and my loins grip around his fingers.

"Do it. Scream. Say my name." and I do I wrap my arms around his neck as I come arching my back.

"Fuck it" He says entering me he has recovered from his ejaculation and he grabs the headboard of the bed as I wrap my legs around him. My hips meet his as he thrusts and we fuck until we both come again. And then we crumple into a heap falling asleep again.

Effie wakes us knocking on the door which separates the bedroom and porch. We are naked.

"These people have no sense of privacy do they!" I wail.

Peeta wraps a blanket around himself. "Yes"

"Breakfast in fifteen!" Even on vacation Effie must direct keeping us all on schedule. Peeta slips on a pair of boardshorts and a tank top. He picked a pretty bikini for me. It's floral with boy short bottoms and a bandeau top which knots in the middle. I slip a shift on over it. Everyone is sitting at a table by the shore when we arrive. Johanna has one leg propped up over the arm of her chair. She's wearing her bikini top and wide legged sweat pants. Her brown hair askew and flattering at the same time. Effie au natural. Blonde hair tied in a top knot, her face makeupless. She was wearing a pink sundress and looked beautiful.

"Effie, you look amazing"

"You district urchins are rubbing off on me."

I don't think I've ever heard her make a joke.

"Who says we hang out at the beach after breakfast?"

We all nodded in agreement. It was only nine o'clock but it was already scorching. We ate our breakfast of shrimp and grits, orange juice, fresh fruit and coffee. We walked down the boardwalk to the beach Effie's head on Haymitch's shoulder. We stripped off our clothes to our bathing suits. Johanna in a hunter green bikini the boyshorts were cut high in the back revealing her buttocks. Effie in a pink thong, Johanna quickly removed her top. We swam about in the waves, fish swimming around our feet. After our dip we layed in the sand sunning ourselves.

"Is this the Mockingjay party?"

"Yes."

"It's time for the boat tour."

We jumped up, Johanna winking at the resort attendant. We filed onto the boat which took us out to sea.

"Who wants to go fishing?"

Peeta and Haymitch raised their hands. Johanna and I chose the snorkel, Effie sunned herself. We dived off the boat swimming amongst the colorful fish, curious dolphins circle the boat. We swim until we're exhausted. Haymitch and Peeta we're incredibly successful with their fishing.

"We're going after a Marlin!" Haymitch exclaimed taking a swig of beer. He then chased Effie with a bait fish. I laid out on a chair beside her. Johanna chatted up the deckhand, she winked at me and they soon disappeared below deck.

"Holyshit!" Peeta screamed

"OH! Goddamn!" Haymitch shrieked.

The fishing instructor ran over to their side of the boat.  
"Somebody grab a net goldie here nabbed himself a marlin!"

"Shit!" I jumped up and grabbed a net. Peeta strained despite his strength and reeled in the biggest fish I've ever seen.

"Dinner tonight!" Haymitch exclaimed "Come here baby!" He motioned to Effie who had lost her top as well.

About five minutes later Johanna and the deckhand emerged from below deck.

"What'd I miss?" she asks

"Peeta caught a marlin!" Haymitch says to her "What were you doing?"

"Exploring the lower deck" She says with a wink

The boat takes us back into shore.

"The chef's will cook this bad boy up for ya'll tonight" The captain says his voice laden with the Four drawl.

We head back to our cabins.

"Happy birthday" Peeta says to Johanna when we reach our cabin.

"Time for a nap?" Peeta asks.

"Yes my pro fisherman"

We slink into bed and nestle in for a nap.


	11. Chapter 11

We roused from our nap in time to shower and prepare for the evenings fish fry. I wore a plain white v-neck t-shirt and fitted jeans with sneakers. Katniss wore black harem pants and a black and white cropped t-shirt which were given to her by Cinna. Practically everything she wears was a gift from Cinna as her chosen "talent" was fashion. We meet the others. Effie not in full Capitol regalia, but more made up than normal her lashes were false and long, her lips were red and she wore a blue jumpsuit similar to Diamonds and wedge sandals. Her blonde hair cascaded down her back. Johanna looked pretty she wore a floral mini sundress with gladiator sandals, her brown hair tousled. Haymitch and I looks practically identical.

"I can't wait to eat that fish you caught!" Haymitch said ribbing me.

"Oooh! Me too!" Effie concurred.

An attendant came to direct us to the restaurant in the center of the compound. Rather than sitting in a large dining room we were directed outside where strings of lights were hung overhead, a large firepit was lit in the middle of the courtyard. Tables were set up adorned with food, vats of boiled crawfish, oysters on the half shell, fried delicacies. On a platter rested the marlin I snagged earlier seared and delicious in appearance. A staff member approached us.

"Let me show ye how to eat the crawdad's. It's a staple round heya."

His long gray hair was braided back, directed us to a vat of crawfish and served us each a few.

"Ye pop off thur heds and suck out the innards" He proceeded to demonstrate

"Sweet!" Johanna beamed.

Effie looked horrified. Haymitch, Katniss, and I joined in. The crustaceans were delicious, part sweet and salty. Effie chose to eat hers like crab legs. The other guests appeared to be Capitol residents as well. All wearing fine clothes although not fully made up. Johanna, Haymitch, and Effie drank cherry wine, while Katniss and I stuck to sparkling water. We gorged ourselves. The ready appetites of ourselves and the other guests seemed to make our hosts happy. A woman with bronze hair and blue eyes served us the marlin.

"Thought the man of the hour should get his first choice at his catch." She said

Her accent wasn't thick like the others working here. We all gratefully took from the fish and ate until we couldn't stand.

"How old are you Effie?" Johanna asked. This wasn't necessarily polite, as manners were the cornerstone of Effie's world.

She straightened and cleared her throat.

"I'm just asking because fresh faced you look so young." Johanna added.

"I'm almost thirty." She said dryly.

The age gap between her and Haymitch is significant. She must have had a schoolgirl crush all these years hustling about. She's now living her schoolgirl fantasy I thought to myself. I don't think Haymitch has particularly strong romantic feelings for her. She fills the void of emptiness gaping within him. She adds structure to all our lives, she's good looking, and familiar. He to some extent needs her. Johanna smiled.

"Nabbed you a sugar daddy huh?" She teased.

"She got plenty of her own sugar" Haymitch added.

Effie now visibly blushed.

"Okay we'll cut it out." Johanna said. I think she feels bad that we're always teasing Effie. It must get old from her being the butt of all our jokes.

I can't help but notice Katniss has fallen silent. Fog has settled over her gray eyes as she gazes into the distance, her mind far away. I squeeze her hand.

"Want to walk of all this food?" I ask her

She nods her head. As we walk I slip an arm around her. She maintains her silence until she can no longer conceal the soft sounds of her tears.

"I really am having a good time, and I really am happy it's just… I look at all this and I think of the arena. The beach the only place where we were safe from the hourly horrors. I think about our last meal there, and I miss it strange as it may seem."

I can understand this. Once you've been in the arena you take on a mentality that won't leave you. There was some safety there in knowing you're going to die. Things are set, fighting to die for a purpose. Me for Katniss, Katniss for me. There weren't the feelings we cope with now. The anger, the lost youth, the nightmares which bring dread every evening. I begin aloud.

"That's how I like to remember Finnick. Not the Capitol sex pot, or the soldier. The man in his element, fishing as though it were just his nature. A merman. That was the night we kissed on the beach. I thought that was my last night on Earth and that I couldn't have imagined a better way to go."

Katniss nods she sniffs up her tears.

"Am I ruining the vacation by being sad?" She asks girlishly. I laugh gently.

"No. We've all been scarred by the games. We all understand. I understand" I lift her chin to look at me.

In my heart I feel aching pleading. I want to melt her into me, to remove her burden and put it on my shoulders. I gently stroke the pearl and ring necklace around her neck. I want so badly for her to only be mine. I then stroke her braid, she looked so beautiful to me in the arena, so worth dying for. She still is. I scoop her in close and kiss her. I put my forehead against hers and hold her.

"I never left that beach. I never left that cave." I whisper

"I know" She replies

"You loved me there… real or not real?"

"Real" She says.

Those memories of the cave, of the beach, the pearl aren't convoluted like the other memories are. Rather they stick in my mind with vividness. I think even when I was hijacked I struggled to reconcile those memories with the implanted reality of Katniss as a villainess.

"Do you want to go back to the party?" I ask her

"No." She replies

"Do you want me?"

"Yes."

I scoop her up and carry her to our cottage. Where I lay her down on our bed like a babe. I sit beside her and I stroke her face, I examine every inch of skin and plant kisses on her forehead, her nose, her lips. She opens her mouth to allow my tongue inside. I maneuver on top of her balancing on my forearms. Her small soft hands move down my body, stroking the course hair on my chest tracing the ripples in my abdomen, tracing a finger back and forth at the hem of my pants. It's impossible to take I shutter and sigh into her mouth. I then slip a hand under her shirt and massage a supple breast rolling her nipple between my thumb and forefinger. I look into her eyes as I do this watching the sadness lift and hunger set in. My hungry girl, my hungry girl only I can feed. I lift her shirt and suck her nipple causing her back to arch. I inch her pants down and remove them one leg at a time. We're both panting, I'm so full and hard I want to explode. I put her legs on my shoulders and lower to her cunt. It's sweet and wet and I lick what she has to give me. I nibble and suck her clit and massage her insides with my fingers.

"Please… please fuck me." She begs

I comply. I remove my pants and roll her over onto her stomach I lay on top of her and slid inside her. I wrap her braid around my hand and breath into her ear as I thrust feeling her warmth around me. I whisper to her.

"God you feel so good. I've never felt anything like you, I've never tasted anything like you. Fuck Katniss, you have me." I push farther into her, entering her fully. "All of me"

She moans. I withdraw from her and roll her over wrapping her legs around my neck so I can reach deeper inside her. She lets out a long moan as I slowly reenter her as far as I can go. I look her in the eyes my whole body feels good.

"Peeta… Peeta… I think I might come."

"Good." I tell her. I want to feel her come watch her as she writhes. I want her to say my name so the universe knows she's mine. "Do it." I say as I feel her contracting around me. "Do it. Say it."

"Peeta! Peeta! You're making me come."

The animal inside me takes hold.

"Fuck" I feel myself growing harder more full. Her nails dig into my back and claw downward. The pain feels so good. My muscles tighten. "Katniss." I come. My thrusting slows as I give her what I have. "I love you." I lay in a heap on top of her catching my breath. I roll over and she places her head on my chest.

"Thank you, for having me." She says.

"It's you who have me." I tell her. She drifts to sleep in her satisfaction hands above her head completely relaxed, the necklace the only thing she wears. I pull out my sketch pad and pencil and draw her. She's peaceful, tranquil. I need to keep this moment. There's a knock at the door. It's Johanna peeking through the window. I slip on a pair of shorts and cover Katniss's nakedness. I open the door.

"I can't sleep." She tells me.

"Give me a minute." I tell her

I rouse Katniss and she pulls on my t-shirt. We open the door and allow Johanna in.

"Everytime I close my eyes I see the faces of the people I killed."

Johanna the silent assassin.

"It was in the arena Johanna. It was you or them" Katniss tells her.

Tears are streaming down her face.

"No. Not in the arena. In the Capitol." She says.

Neither of us know what to say we're shocked.

"After I won my games, they did to me what they did to Finnick. Pimped me to the highest bidder. There was this one man a higher up in the government. He had sick needs. He would tie me down and put things in me, hit me until I bled." She stopped for a moment. "He fucked me in the ass. He said he was punishing me for killing. I shouldn't have killed those people. After one brutal night he ripped me open and I had to go to the clinic to be sewn back shut. He paid the doctors and nurses off to keep their mouths shut. I snuck into his house with an axe. I chopped his dick off, before I slit his throat." She's almost in hysterics. "I just couldn't take anymore. In the Capitol when we were being tortured, one of the doctors came to assess my condition after I had inhaled water when they were attempting to extract information. I almost died. The doctor was the same one who sewed me shut. I blacked out, I strangled him to death before Peacekeepers could pull me off him. I feel rotten on the inside. Look at what they turned me into!" She screamed the last part. Katniss held her.

"I understand." I said "Some people are so sick. You had to survive Johanna. It was no different than the arena."

She fell silent looking at me.

"I had to survive." She repeated.

Katniss held her and rocked her. We both know all too well the reality of what the evening brings for us.

"Have I ruined the trip?" She asks.

Katniss laughs.

"No. Not at all. Tomorrow we're gonna eat the fuck out of more shrimp, and you'll drink mimosa's."

Johanna smiles at this.

"Kick ass. Mind if I smoke?"

"No not at all" I say and take a cigarette as well. We fall asleep one by one. Johanna, then Katniss, then me. Katniss sleeps in the middle of the bed and we all hold each other, keeping the bad memories at bay, forming a new good one.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning Johanna pretends the previous evening never happened. I had a feeling Johanna met the same fate as Finnick. Did the murder of a solicitor cause the deaths of her loved ones? She goes on chit chatting away. We choose to stay at the resort and explore the city. Haymitch takes Effie on a yacht tour. After breakfast we walk along the pavement by the canal avenues. It's hot and muggy. My braid is glued to the back of my neck by sweat. We walk about a fish market, where fishermen unload their hauls. They grin and nod at us, tobacco making the pockets of their mouths full. We eat lunch at a bistro which serves more local cuisine. Fried oysters on a roll with coleslaw. Cakes of cornbread and noodles with cheese. Peeta keeps one hand on me at all times. After lunch we choose to continue our tour by boat as the skin of his stump is agitated by friction and sweat. The sun rises and the heat is sweltering. We ask the drive to stop somewhere so we can swim he guides us slightly inland to a lagoon among mangrove trees. We strip our outer layer of clothing, Johanna dives into the water while I slide in with Peeta. We float on our backs the water slightly cooler than that of the open ocean bringing some relief. Johanna scampers off and climbs a tree to shelter in the shade.

"Goddamit there are some huge frogs here!"

"Bullfrogs! Big mamma jammas. Look out fo the snappin tutles too, they gitcha." The driver hollers to her.

Peeta and I continue to float until we reach the shallows silverfish swimming around us. I lay on my stomach and dig my hands into the sand.

"I tried to kill you Katniss. Why aren't you afraid of me?" Peeta asks.

"I was. I was angry with you, but Haymitch said something to me that made me snap to. That you would be doing everything in your power to get me back if our situations were switched." I said to him.

"I would. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting myself still, but the I look at you and feel at home. I know hating you was not real and loving you is."

Johanna hollers out from the trees.

"Let's get back I'm sleepy!" She balances on a branch that extends over the water and jumps in. We return to the resort and our cabins.

"My birthday is tomorrow, but we're celebrating with Annie and little Finnick. Adult party tonight?" She says as she veers to her cabin.

"Sure thing" Peeta says.

I head to the shower, the lukewarm water refreshing my sweaty limbs. Peeta joins me, he washes my back and we stand against the corner for a while holding each other, examining the others body with our hands. Peeta's eyes are full and glowing at me.

"I'll do anything for you." He says to me

"I know" I reply.

As we make love all I think about is how unfair to him I've been. Even Haymitch told me I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him. He notices that I was distant.

"Do you no want this?"

I shut off the water.

"Yes, you're too good for me."

He stops me

"No."

"Yes, you loved me, you sacrificed your heart was always pure. Look at me I treated you like shit. I ran away when you were hijacked. I was with Gale when you were gone. Don't you feel angry at me over that? Why don't you?"

His blue eyes turn cold.

"I loved you since you sang the Valley Song and I saw who you are. The world stops when you sing, you are more kind than you give yourself credit for. If you want the truth, I thought you were immature, and bratty for your behavior after the first games. I tried to hate you the Capitol tried to make me hate you. The reality is that I don't. You're the only person who's accepted me for who I am. You burned me. You burned me bad, but you never wanted me to change. You saved me."

For some reason that makes me feel worse.

"There are some mornings I wake up and instantly want to die you want that?" I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around me.

"Yes."

"That's not fair to you."

"No it isn't but I have hope that you will get better. That I can help you." His eyes are misty and searching. Afraid I'll reject him again. He slides with his back against the wall. "Katniss please. Let me love you it's all I want."

Hope. The dandelion in the spring. Peeta, rebirth. I am nestled in the womb of rebirth still forming. Maybe one day I'll emerge and the bad feelings will go away.

"Please" He whispers.

"Then love me" I reply not yet willing to show what he is to me and that is hope. There's no way I can symbolize that to anyone else.

We lay on the bed above the covers and hold each other, the cool fan wicking away the wet heat. Johanna calls.

"Effie says get ready for dinner. We're going to a burlesque show after dinner for my birthday!"

I brush out my hair and braid it back. I slip on a blue tank top from Cinna with a pair of harem pants and flats. Peeta always wears the same thing. When we arrive at the restaurant to meet the others Effie notices.

"Peeta, please make an effort." It's funny because Haymitch is dress identically.

"Bitch at Haymitch if you want to bitch at me!" He replies

I notice Effie is wearing a gold and emerald ring.

"Effie what's that?"

"Oh! The surprise is ruined! Haymitch proposed to me!" She sings face full of glee. Haymitch is half smiling.

We stand shocked for a minute looking at one another waiting for someone to respond. Finally Peeta does.

"Congratulations! Capitol or Twelve wedding?"

"Four" She replies

"The fuck?" Johanna slips out covering her mouth as the words escape

"We're going to file at the courthouse before we leave." Haymitch says.

I'm not sure how this will work. Effie works in the Capitol and there is no way Haymitch is leaving Twelve.

"This is great!" I lie. "Give me a hug!"

I embrace Effie who is giddy with glee. Her teenage dreams come true. She's nabbed Haymitch Abernathy Victor of the Second Quarter Quell.


	13. Chapter 13

I eye Haymitch. I don't understand. I inch over beside him.

"What are you thinking."

"There's no one better at handling me." He jokes

"Seriously, are you going to leave Twelve?"

"No, she works in the Capitol comes to Twelve on the weekends. Perfect for me. I do love her." He tells me.

I choose to let it go. Johanna is laughing hysterically. The restaurant host ushers us to a table. Effie orders a round of champange, I don't refuse. We order a starter of calamari. We eat our selected meals and toast to the upcoming nuptuals. Johanna Slaps the table.

"Let's go see some titties. Joint birthday/ bachelor party!"

We walk to Eugene's Caberet. Jazz music is playing inside women are dancing on tables adorned in tassles. The air is thick with smoke.

"You and Katniss have to take one shot!" Johanna hollers over the music.

We don't argue. Johanna orders five shots of whiskey and we toast to twenty four years of Johanna. Johanna orders lap dances for herself, Haymitch, and me. Katniss shoots me a scowl and I decline the dance. Johanna and Haymitch are lead off to a back section. I sit back into a booth and Katniss excuses herself to the bathroom. Effie and I sit watching the dancers, Effie sips a cosmopolitan. Songs pass and Haymitch and Johanna return from their dance. I rise and look for Katniss. She's at the end of the bar a man blocking her path chatting her up. Anger shades my vision. Blood floods into my appendages. I storm up to them.

"We got a problem?" I ask.

"Nah my friend I was just wanting to meet "The Girl on Fire"."

Thoughts of Johanna and Finnick being bought and sold. This man was trying to have a night with the girl on fire.

"She's still stunning despite the scars." He says scanning her up and down. "A complement of course."

Cato's face flashes before my eyes. Lizard mutts, seeking to devour Katniss. Hunting her. I look in her face she says nothing. I grab his head and slam it onto the bar pinning it there.

"I'll fucking kill you, understand? You watch the Hunger Games? Keep it in your pants you Capitol sweet tart. Got it?"

Haymitch is pulling my arm.

"What's wrong with you that man owns the place!"

I push Haymitch off.

"Fuck off."

I storm out onto the street. Katniss running to catch up.

"Coming to corral the mutt?" I hiss I know this made her anger.

" I could've handled the pervert… but thank you. I know you wouldn't let anyone hurt me."

"What are we doing? Who thought we could take a vacation? We can't be humans yet!" My head is pounding.

"It's okay, Peeta. Let's go back. Have a you and me party." She smiles at me.

I try to calm myself, I take deep breaths like my therapist said counting one in… two out.

"I would love that."

We stroll hand in hand back to the resort.

"Who wants room service?" She picks up the phone and orders us hot fudge sundaes, a fruit platter and apple cider. I poke at my ice cream when it arrives. Still down. Katniss dribbles fudge down her breast.

"Oops" She says impishly

I laugh and strip off her shirt licking up the fudge running down her chest. She takes a handful of ice cream and smears it across my face.

"Oops" She says this time laughing.

I laugh and pick up my bowl.

"Come here kitten."

I chase her with the sundae. She slips in the kitchen. I scoot to a stop.

"Ooops!" and dump my sundae on her. She grabs a handful off her stomach and throws it at me. I prat fall on top of her and begin eating ice cream off her as she laughs.

"Delicious" I plant a kiss on her lips. We roll around on the tile kissing throwing off our clothing. We make love in the sticky mess. Then we shower off and I fuck her there. We slip off into bed.

"What happened in here!?" The sun is up Johanna still in last nights clothing stumbles around our kitchen. "I thought I got crazy last night. You beat up the bar owner and trash your hotel room. NICE!"

"Hi Johanna" we call from the bedroom.

"We gotta go get a present for Lil' Finny"

We dress and leave. Johanna is wearing oversized sunglasses hiding her bloodshot eyes from the world. The girls troll the boutiques looking at clothes, I stroll along the canals gazing into the iridescence. The world seems so simple, the children smile and skip along the boardwalk. Their happiness I envy. Their lives ahead, they are granted a youth. Mine was stolen when my name was drawn from a bowl. I killed before I had my first kiss.

"Ready!" Johanna sings skipping her brown locks flapping with each step. She's so good at playing down the horror which she has endured. She copes like Haymitch, booze, random sex, and crassness. Deep inside her there is abyss. Lost in an arena. Laying in wait, axing down competitors in silence until nothing remains. Eventually her darkness will take her down, unless she emerges and takes it in the open. We meet Haymitch and Effie at Annie's home. A simple single story cottage on the edge of a bayou. I feed trepidation entering after my behavior in thirteen. Annie greets us with a smile. Her mother ushers us in taking her gifts.

"Say hello Finnick" She turns looking at the bronze haired green eyed boy. He waves a chubby hand at us.

Johanna stops in her tracks she exhales audibly.

"He really is Finnick." The boys eyes glisten, although young his personality lights the room. She drops to her needs in front of him and holds out her arms the boy crawls to her and she holds him up.

"Hello Finnick!" Tears begin to stream from her eyes. Her dear friend lives again. Annie stares taking in the moment her mother strokes her back.

"Happy birthday big boy." Katniss says sitting beside them.

"How are you Annie?"

"Good she replies."

Her mother had bought a cake for the boy iced but not decorated.

"Do you mind?" I asked. She shook her head and I entered the kitchen. I found cream and sugar to make icing, used blueberries and raspberries for dyes. I carefully wrote "Happy Birthday" across the middle. I then drew tiny seashells with the icing and toothpicks. I mixed a lighter blueberry icing and spread it around the edges creating an oceanscape. Annie cried when she saw my creation.

"Finnick would love it."

We spent the afternoon with them. Annie's mother prepared crawfish, cornbread, and potato salad. We placed a candle on the cake and sang to Finnick who giggled.

"Such a ham, like Finnick." Katniss says.

Annie opens the gifts to Finnick. Johanna got him a little flannel, and a plastic trident. Katniss got him a stuffed sea turtle. I painted him a portrait from the baby picture they sent to us. Haymitch and Effie bought him a little fishing pole, a hat, and a little lawnmower that blew bubbles when he pushed it. We left as the sun was setting. Annie grabbed a hold of me as we left and hugged me tightly.

"Make it count" She whispered in my ear. "He saved you. Make it count. Don't let him die in vain. Do something!" She began to sob. She turned her attention to Katniss.

"He never should have gone in with you! He wasn't ready! Didn't he live violently enough! Why! Why! Why!?" Her mother pulls her away.

"She gets like this sometimes. Finnick's death seemed pointless to her."

-"He was supposed to die with me!" She's screaming within the house.

"This was a mistake." Johanna said.

"We should go." Haymitch herds us out.

Katniss watches her eyes sullen.


	14. Chapter 14

I sit in the car. I think about why any of are still alive. Haymitch? What is he a drunkard and yet I respect him? Peeta, he's vulnerable slightly pathetic. Johanna, a whore, a savage. Then I lash out at the easy target.

"You think he actually wants to marry you Effie?"

"Katniss" Peeta hisses at me.

"No! Don't pretend you don't think it's stupid."

"Katniss just because that girl went off on you doesn't excuse you going off on me. You can be a rude, immature, brat sometimes! I've put up with it for almost three years now! So I'll just say it, it may not be very polite but, get over yourself! Like you're that great. Look at what you did to Peeta."

The car fell silent. My heart hurt after Annie's outburst. I'm not sure what to think about Haymitch and Effie. It seems like it's just easy for him. Effie thinks that pearls come from coal what does he see in her? She's right. I abandoned Peeta. More than once. I hurt other people when it's me who hurts myself. Effie stares straight at me. Eyes fierce, unrelenting.

"I'm sorry Effie. That was uncalled for. You're right." I say this monotone. Apologies are hard.

"Thank you"

We sit silently watching the streetlamps buzz by. We're all broken. All of us.

"Tomorrow is the film and hospital opening. Katniss expect to see your mother."

I feel a bit of happiness. My mother. It was too painful for her to return to Twelve. But she's doing what she was born to do. The heavy shadow of tragedy is behind her. I smile openly. The car stops and we pull up to the resort. Johanna throws the door opened and sprints out toward the backyard area of her cabin.

"Wanna know how Finnick and Annie fell in love?" Johanna asked once we had caught up with her.

"Yes" I reply.

"He was her sponsor. She volunteered as a career but I don't think anyone had their money on her. He liked her and supported her, but Finnick was good at keeping himself distant from the tributes. Winning the Games was hard for her. She was worse off than she is now. Mags is the one who helped her along. After the Victory Tour she would swim to get away from it all. Mags couldn't go along so Finnick would to make sure she was okay. I guess they opened up and started talking about things. Things only Victors know. He eventually lived to talk to her, or so he told me. They comforted each other. I know it looked one sided but she made him the boy from Four before the reaping. The one who fished and swam and had fun. He made her… happy, stable, he brought stability to her and made her laugh. She kept away his nightmares. He eventually couldn't sleep without her."

That sounded strangely familiar to me. Peeta. I can't sleep without Peeta. We stirred up controversy on the train when he would slip into my room at night. I loved Peeta then. I just thought I owed Gale.

"What about you Johanna?"

"No. I didn't have anything like that. Too scared about what the Capitol would do. I'm too damaged to love. I talked to Blight a lot. He understood. I hacked at trees. That was what I did. I think Blight did too. His hands shook after the games. He was my friend. I didn't give him enough credit. He was probably my closest friend. He was too burly to be sold around the Capitol so he got to keep his loved ones. He had more to lose than me."

"Look at the stars" Peeta interrupted.

We looked up and did. They sky was filled to the brim and it reflected off the water it was like we were swimming in them.

"Why are we alive?" I blurt out loud.

"Dunno." Says Haymitch. "Unlucky I guess."

"I'm serious. We killed people. We're nothing to be celebrated. At one time everyone wanted to kill us. I didn't hate any of those people in the arena. None of them did nothing to me. The careers were made into what they were." I say. "We're just cunning. We're not even humans anymore. We're freaks, myths. Hollow. If they could see who we really are." Everyone laughs out loud when I said this.

"Victors who sleep with nightlights." Haymitch says out loud.

"Peeta's my living teddy bear." I say out loud.

"Wanna hear something weird.. I sleep under my bed sometimes." Johanna says "I feel safer. What do you do weird now Peeta? Paint yourself like a rock before bed?"

He laughs to himself.

"No. I protect Katniss. That was my purpose right?"

I nod.

"Sometimes I think it's worse awake. Having a monster living inside me."

"It would be nice to sleep in trees." I say

We laugh.

"I bet Enobaria sleeps like a baby at night." Johanna says and we fall silent. "She was living the dream in the arena. That bitch got to live when people like Finnick died. I should've planted an axe in her face and pled insanity."

"She voted yes. She wanted revenge." Haymitch piped up.

We fall silent again.

"They let her go. She didn't get tortured like we did."

The urge for revenge runs deep in Johanna. It must tear her apart. She gets up and heads to her cabin.

"Night-night." She calls

Peeta is sitting there eyes dialated to the point where barely any of their blue is visible. I roll my eyes.

"What are we doing? None of us should be here." I stomp away. He's not even Peeta anymore. I was supposed to die. Then he pulled me out he wanted to see me. He's responsible for my pain. He made me live. I lived for him. What does he get out of it? He gets to fight the mutt dreams? He gets to hold me while I scream? I go to the mini bar and open all the little liquor bottles I can find and down them all. Drowning the pain. If it works for Haymitch it works for me. The world starts to spin and I lay down on the tile floor. Peeta walks in after a while and sees me laying there in my drunken stupor. His face flushes and he marches over to me. He rummages through the mini bar clanking around the little bottles.

"All of them Katniss? Really? Does it help you? You want to be like Haymitch?" He toes me laying there.

"Oh because it's so much better being like you. Get off your high horse Peeta. What's the point? It's better just to suffer? You're so full of shit."

"Do whatever you want."

"You still want to marry me? Huh? Is this the image of the perfect bride."  
His eyes get blurry with tears.

"Yes." He turns leaves and I hear the bedroom door slam.

I lay back down on the cool tile and hope to die. I don't want to face any of those people. Eventually I fall into a tormented sleep. Clove with her head smashed in. Cato crawling on his hands eaten by mutts. Finnick screaming for Annie headless. Apologizing that he left. He left her all alone. I wake up on the floor screaming alone. Peeta is sitting in on the sofa staring at me. I wretch and vomit on the floor.

"Peeta help me." I reach my arms out for him like a child reaches for their mother. He gets up and scoops me up carrying me to the bathroom where he strips off my clothes. He runs a cool bath washing my hair. He slips in the tub behind me and holds me while I soak his face buried in my neck. I can feel a warm tear escape his eye. His kisses are warm and chaste upon my shoulder.

"I hate to see you this way."

"I hate to be this way." I keep my eyes closed. I feel humiliated. All he wants is to love me. I don't let him. "I'll marry you. I'll marry you now if you want."

He tenses.

"Katniss you know I want that. I want it when you're well. Sleep on it okay?"

The silence grabs hold of the room again.

"Do you still love me?"

"I do"

He helps me from the tub and dries me off. We go to bed naked and hold each other. I drift back to sleep. No dreams.

We wake with Effie calling chastising us for being late to breakfast. We dress and go down. I wear a sundress she bought me. Green and flowing, the wind breathes through it.

"Another big, big day."

"So for the opening of the Hospital and film you ladies will be made over by your prep teams. You won't be required to give any speeches but there is a red carpet of sorts. Oh, and Katniss word came from the Capitol that your petition to repeal the Hunger Games vote passed, so congratulations on that."

That brightens my day. Knowing the Games will never take place.

"For now the day is ours and we can spend it as we please."

Johanna looks at me.

"Wanna just chill at the beach?"

I nod in the affirmative.

We lay out there for a while. And I think. I think about Peeta and his kind heart, who always comes to me even when I'm a brat. Who's devotion is to the point of death. I loved him in the cave, on the train, in my bed when I broke my heel, I love him now, and I never want to love again. I never wanted to live without him. I planned on dying without him. For him. He made my world spin.

Eventually we retired back to our cottages. Peeta creeping silently behind me. As though still afraid I will lash out.

"Peeta I slept on it."

"Oh." He replied

"I want to get married. I can't live without you. Privately, in twelve no one gets to know but who we choose."

He smiles and rushes to me wrapping those strong arms around me.

"You'll marry me?" He whispers

"Yes" I reply

He kisses me grabbing my face as he does so. I am thrown into a world of vivid color. My heart flutters and my body shivers without my consent. Peeta loses his balance and we fall on the floor still kissing. Tongues rolling, breath heavy.

"Oh Katniss" He says and pulls my dress off. My chest is bare. He kisses my neck and grabs one of my breasts in his hand and licks it gently then sucks it. He moves his hands down to my cunt rubbing the dampness over my panties. He stops and picks himself up off the ground. Standing over me he says.

"Katniss Everdeen you can have all of me. And I get all of you." He picks me up off the floor and throws me over his shoulder. I laugh. He throws me down on the bed.

"Where do I start?" He runs his hands down my breast stopping to stroke each nipple. He then traces around my ribs to my waist then he stops and rips off my panties. "Hmmmm…"

He slips his fingers inside me and slowly begins to stroke in and out. He kisses me on the mouth and I let out a moan. He strokes faster, harder not stopping kissing me. He slows down to place my hand on his erection. I reach underneath his shorts and stroke him, he moans.

"Oh God. I love you."

I look at him impishly.

"Show me."

He laughs then looks me over. He strokes my face then wraps his hand around my neck leaning forward as if to whisper in my ear and penetrates me fully.

"Do you want me?" He asks

"I need you."

"Show me." He says.

I wrap my legs around him and push my hips into his, then I grab each buttock and press him deeper into me. He shutters. I roll to my left and mount him. I look down at him as I undulate back and forth his nails digging into my back. I love the pain.

"Draw blood." I say and he presses harder.

He then rolls on top of me and thrusts in me with all his power then withdraws. He takes me from my position to standing with my back to him. He presses his arms around me as though bear hugging me, then slides one arm down my side and raises my leg onto the bed. Once again he enters me. He thrusts deeply not pulling out too much with each stroke. With one strong arm he presses me against him leaning down to kiss me, with the other he massages my clit. I feel my body quiver and I raise an arm around his neck and begin to writhe. He massages more firmly and changes his strokes to more girations. I feel myself falling into his whim.

"Do you want to scream?" He asks but I already am. I let out a long cry, then I scream his name. When I have finished he bends me over and pumps until he comes inside me. He crumples on top of me in a heap.

"God what you bring out of me." He says. I giggle a bit rolling over to look him face to face and we kiss deeply. There's a knock at the doors separating us from the outside world.

"You guys okay?" It's Johanna. "You could wake the dead! Effie said your prep team is here Katniss."

"Kay" I respond waving her off. She gives me a thumbs up and strides away.

Peeta puts on clothes. Theres no point for me to. I'm about to get made up anyway.

"I'm going to go hang out with Haymitch" Peeta says

I nod and he leaves. My prep team files in.

"You're ready for us." They say regarding my naked form.

I laugh. Yes I think that's why I'm naked I think to myself.


	15. Chapter 15

They dressed her beautifully again. She's wearing a black halter jumpsuit, with pants ruched at the ankles and black pumps. He eyes cat eyes again and lips vibrant red. We sit in the car holding hands. Effie once again in full Capitol mode. She wears gown which appears to be made of feathers. Her face once again powdered and her lashes are decorated with peacock flowers at the ends. She wears a curly blue wig. Johanna sits wearing a pair of high waist brown slacks and a green bodice. Her brown hair slicked back. Katniss has her hand in mine. She hasn't let it go since I greeted her in front of the resort after she was deemed ready. Her hair is in the crown of braids her mother once made. When we arrive at the hospital where the film is also being shown. It's pearly white and palm trees line the sidewalk to the entrance where a red carpet now lays out, and eager Capitol media take pictures and interview important people on their way in. Effie eats this up, as she has been a fashion icon since the first games. Katniss doesn't release my hand. We stand for pictures. Johanna speaks a few words to Caesar mostly about Finnick. I can see Katniss's eyes wandering searching.

"Katniss!" There it is her mother.

She lets go of my hand only to embrace her. Gale is with her with Diamond and his family. We exchange cordial handshakes. Katniss has not let go of her mother. I excuse myself from the group to grab drinks for us. Johanna has found another victor from Seven. A large burly man with a beard to his chest and long wild hair. He wears a suit. He looks like he lives in the woods.

"Peeta! This is Helmut! He won before Haymitch did." I shake his giant hand

"Johanna and I were just talking about the upcoming games in Seven."

Johanna interrupts.

"It's intradistrict. We compete in tree climbing, sawing, and log rolling. It's really fun! Lot's of beer."

Johanna seems genuinely excited about this.

"I'm going to retrieve Katniss. You can meet her mom."

As I walk up I can hear Gale talking.

"Already! He's going to fucking kill someone Katniss."

He falls silent as I approach. Katniss's mother approaches me.

"Congratulations! I'm so happy for the both of you. Your father would be too."

There's a pang in my heart. Katniss must have told her we're getting married.

"Should I expect grandchildren as well?"

I smile but Katniss has a quick answer.

"No."

I glare at Gale. I know what he was talking about. The night we fought.

"Johanna has someone for us to meet. Your mother too." I look at Gale as I say this letting him know he's not welcome. I wrap an arm around Katniss's waist and pull her in. Letting him know his place. I take them to Johanna and Helmut, and they all seem to enjoy each other. Helmut tells stories about squirrels stealing his lunch. He's like Johanna very brash, he laughs loudly. When Enobaria walks by he smacks her on the ass and she flashes her fangs.

"What's wrong? Don't ya wanna sparr"

She turns on her heel and walks away she's on the arm of another man from Two. I should say a goliath.

"He has no shame. And that's saying something from me!" Johanna laughs.

Haymitch approaches with Effie.

"Haymitch my man! Who's this pretty doll?" Effie extends her hand

"This is my girl Effie. She wore me down after a few years."

Helmut slaps his back and laughs. Good for you. He looks Effie up and down. Nice and tight for ya. She'll keep you in shape."

-"Well I never!" Effie shrieks and Haymitch laughs.

I remember watching the film of how Helmut won his games. Although he his an enormous man he would hide in the trees, with his axe. He lay in wait until it was only the Careers and him, and would jump down on them, decapitating them. He broke down in tears when he lights flicker.

"Oh let's take our seats." Effie claps.

We file into the auditorium where the film is being screened. Annie sees us as we enter and rushes to hug Katniss.

"I'm sorry."

Katniss hugs her back and whispers something in her ear. She smiles. We sit and Katniss once again grasps my hand. I can see she also has her mothers. The film is dramatic, comedic, and tragic. It shows Finnick as a young fishermans son who was orphaned at twelve when his parents boat capsized while he was training. Mags raised him like a son. There are interviews throughout from people who knew him. I watch the parts where I knew Haymitch and cling tighter to Katniss. Finnick reviving me. Katniss's distress genuine. The film ends with the birth of Finnick Odair Jr. It receives a standing ovation. Finally Annie cuts the ribbon opening the hospital. That's when Katniss whispers to me.

"Let's go." She kisses her mother and promises to visit soon. We hold hands in the car. When we get home I ask her.

"Did you tell your mother?"

"Yes"

"And Gale?"

"Yes"

"He thinks I'm dangerous." I feel anger rising and I clench my fists.

"Shh.. Peeta it doesn't matter what he thinks."

"He's jealous. I know it."

Katniss puts a hand on my chest, I relax a bit but my fists stay clinched. She takes her other hand and reaches up stroking my hair and the anger dissipates. At this moment she is all I see. We are the only two people who exist. I take her in my arms.

"You're going to marry me."

"Yes."

"In Twelve?"

"Yes."

"We'll celebrate with people we love?"

"Yes."

I take her in tighter and bury my face in her hair. Almost fifteen years I've loved her. I followed her from school. Always had the urge to keep her safe. I dreamt about her. In the arena I lived for her.

"Want to snuggle"

I shake my head. But on the inside I feel something more. Stirring. I lay beside her and wrap my arms around her. She turned the TV on but I have no idea what it's saying. I'm touching her skin. I move my fingers down her neck, and trace her clavicle. She sighs. Then I can't hold it in anymore. I roll her over so I am on top of her. She looks up startled. I'm fumbling with my pants, I rip hers off. She gasps.

"I need you. I need to feel you so bad."

She's bewildered.

"Okay Peeta." She assists me removing my pants. Then lays down arms over her head. I groan at the sight of her. The word fuck slips out of my mouth.

"God I wanted you for so long. I loved you for so long. I thought I would die before I got to do this."

I'm rambling. I pull my mind together and enter her slowly agonizingly. Each movement sends millions of volts of electricity through me. Her eye contact enhances the sensation. We move as one her hips moving to meet mine. I'm sweating, grunting, I'm not fucking her hard but the emotional stimulation is overwhelming me, making every stroke feel like ecstasy. She must be feeling the same. Her back arches underneath me and she's breathing into my mouth. Her muscles contracting so fiercely she can't lay down. When I grip her throat it intensifies. I need to hear it. Know I am making her come.

"Say my name… please"

She does she lets it out and the words flow out long and desperately. I'm struck by lightning when I hear this and I come inside her. Unable to move from the experience. She looks up at me and laughs.

"Wow"

"Wow" I whisper back.

Tomorrow Effie and Haymitch get married. The next day we go home. My hands haven't kneaded dough in days and I'm ready to get to it.

"Do you think I'm dangerous?" I ask her. "Don't lie"

"Not to me" She replies

"What do you mean."

"Other men set you off. Anyone who could threaten me or who openly wants me. The bar owner, Gale. You would never hurt me. I would never let anyone else touch me. Just you. I know it's from the hijacking. The put someone else inside you. You can't always suppress it. Though you try. I'm here though, I'll always bring you back. You promised me you would stay with me and I think that overpowers all the other things."

"Always." I reply


	16. Chapter 16

When I woke up I felt refreshed. Something different something I hadn't felt for a long time. A sense of contentment prevailed. Peeta had left early to take a run along the beach. Johanna was on her patio smoking. I sauntered over there for company.

"How are you this morning?"

"Hungover, but happy."

"Because Helmut was there?"

"Yes."

The question had seeped into my mind last night I thought all the Victors had died. Where did Helmut come from? How did he escape both sides gunning to kill him?

"I thought the other Victors were dead?"

"Helmut lives in the woods. He appears when he wants to. They would have firebombed all of Seven to get him. They couldn't find him to mentor after Blight won."

I laugh out loud.

"He looks like he lives in the woods."

"Peeta and I are getting married." I blurt out.

"Speak of the devil and he will appear" Johanna chuckles.

Peeta trotted up to the patio. He planted a kiss on my forehead. I immediately intwine my fingers in his.

"I was looking for you."

"Congrats, did you give her the ring?" Johanna says.

"Thank you. And yes I did" Peeta responded

I find myself smiling. A giant shadow looms over us.

"Hey! Where's the newlyweds?" It was Helmut carrying a package.

"Still at the Justice building I assume. I'm surprised that Capitol tart agreed to have a quiet wedding." Johanna says.

"Effie gets a photoshoot when she goes back to the Capitol. She's not as superficial as you think." Peeta retorts.

"Oh! Breakfast!" Johanna sings.

We sit and eat breakfast cheerfully. We plan on meeting Haymitch and Effie later at a casino boat. I keep my hand in Peeta's grounding myself. He's a rock, I feel the calm flowing through him into me. Johanna and Peeta smoke cigarettes, Helmut chews tobacco. Peeta took up smoking after the hijacking he says it calms his nerves. So I let it rest. We retire to our cottage after we lay around the backyard of hers. Upon entering he wraps his arms around me.

"Wear the ring on your finger." He says as he rocks back and forth planting kisses along my neck.

"Okay." I reply "After Effie and Haymitch get to celebrate."

He spins me around and puts my face in his hands looking me in the eyes. Those blue eyes.

"You and me are supposed to be together. That's why my name was pulled from that bowl."

I avert my gaze at the reminder of the reaping. He turns my face back to his.

"I fed you. I give you what you need to live." His eyes become hard "I told you to never turn away from me."

He removes a hand from my face and grips more tightly, with the other he grips my waist and pulls me to him and begins kissing my all over. The world spins, tongues rolling hands grasping. He feels desperate. He presses me to him frantically. I feel the same, I run my hands madly underneath his shirt and run them up his chest. I feel his heart quicken I move them down and find the waistband of his pants. My hands clumsily pull at them. He picks me up and slams me onto the bed.

"God fuck me please!" I cry

He hastily pulls down my pants and enters me just as quickly. Pumping, pounding, grunting, his eyes full. Showing me where I belong. Imprinting it onto my mind my body. His body more powerful than anything I've ever known. And when I come I'm unable to contain myself. He's inside me, just not in the literal sense. The way he makes me feel transcends that. There aren't any words. When he finishes me I'm exhausted, sprawled across the bed. He pulls out and I hear him walking into the bathroom and turning the shower on. Whatever it was he needed to prove he did. I drift off to sleep dreamless until Peeta shakes me awake. He plants kisses on my shoulders.

"Love you. Time to get ready." He whispers to me.

I rise shower, and slip on a pair of harem pants and a cropped shirt Cinna gave me.

We meet the others outside the resort. Effie is glowing. With the exception of last night she has been her natural self. She's lovely under the shroud of makeup. Peeta strokes my back as we wait for the car.

"You're lovely Effie" I tell her and her face brightens more. Haymitch looks happy. "It's a giant step forward. I wish both of you a happy life." With that he hugs me. Eventually the car arrives late and Effie is trying her hardest to contain her aggravation. We all usually fit nicely in the town car but the sheer bulk of Helmut combined with Peeta causes us to be squeezed together.

"Good thing we showered" Johanna quips.

We arrive at a giant riverboat decorated with lights. The entrance is grand with it's marble floors and red drapes adorning the windows. Orchids line the room. The carpet of the casino area is red and Haymitch guides us to a blackjack table where he, Johanna, and Helmut but in. The fellow patrons are mostly Capitol socialites. Peeta and I decide to walk around the casino and play the slot machines, which jingle and jangle. It doesn't take long for any of us to be noticed. A crowd gathered around the table where the rest of our group play.

"It's the girl on fire!" A voice exclaims. A ridiculous looking man with purple hair and a leather jacket greets us. "Huge fan! I'm so happy you both are reunited." I stay silent.

"So are we." Peeta answers monotone.

"Well I figured I'd give you my tidings. I'll leave you alone now. Good luck!" He says as he departs.

"And may the odds be ever in your favor." I say under my breath. Peeta and I laugh. We play for a while then decide to check out the outer decks, which are adorned in lights. Music plays and scantily clad women dance. Women ooh and ahh at Peeta staring at him hungrily. We take a seat at the end of the deck where a waitress dressed as a maid presents us with a giant pipe with hoses and flavored tobacco.  
"On the house" She smiles. We order a couple apple ciders and watch the crowd.

"They love their entertainment." Peeta says. I nod.

"I'm Silas." A dark skinned man says as he sits beside us. "I'm from Eleven. I'm sorry to bother you but we need someone. You see since the wars end not everything has flourish like Four once the Capitol's oppression ended. Crime has taken hold in Eleven. Former Snow officials traffic women, the crops, and revenue is not distributed evenly as was agreed upon. We need a voice, our Victors are dead. But both of you are important to Eleven. We need someone on our side to make the Capitol listen. You don't need to do anything now. Just come to Eleven to see for yourself." Silas had sincere eyes, and regarded us as equal.

"We can do that. No guarantee we can help but we'll do what we can."

"Their families? Thresh and Rue? Are they…"

"Alive. They live in the Victor's Village." He answers before I finish the question. "My party is waiting for me. I saw you sitting here and didn't want to miss the chance. Good luck! Have a good evening." He rose and left us.

We sat and puffed upon the flavored tobacco and sipped our apple cider.

"Let's check on our party." Peeta says standing and offering me his hand.

"Let's who knows what they've gotten into."

Upon re entry in the Casino we hear cheering. I search for it's source. My eyes rest upon the table where our friends sit. Effie clapping wildly. Helmut and Haymitch patting Johanna's back. We push through the crowd to join them.

"You missed it!" Johanna yells.

"I just won fifty thousand smackers!"

"Congrats!" Peeta smiles. I smile as well.

I smile through my teeth. We don't need money. The people in the districts do. I'm not saying Johanna plans on keeping the money all to herself. Knowing her she's going to be giving it to the people of Seven. What about the districts who don't have Victors looking after them? One surely can do without, but Five, Six, Eight, Ten, Eleven? Who looks after them. It's in this moment I realize my job as the Mockingjay is not done. It's only just beginning.


	17. Chapter 17

She was quiet the whole ride back to the resort. Johanna talked about how she was going to use her winnings to help finance the new dam construction in Seven. Katniss was deep in thought. It wasn't until we returned she told me what was running through her brain.

"Those people at the Casino don't need extra money." She said. "The people in Eleven do. There's no one to speak for them. Except us. We need to lobby for the Victorless districts. We have the connections with Effie, and Gale. Beetee, shit even Plutarch. Do a wedding tour, an interview with Caesar and talk about what's going on. Maybe all the Victors can lobby."

I stopped astonished. In love. Her kindness, the thought process of wanting to give a voice to the voiceless. The love for her fellow man.

"I'm so proud of you." I took her into my arms and kissed her head. "It's going to be hard. But leave it to Effie. She'll get the ball rolling."

She squeezed me back. The others were outside lighting a fire and I grabbed the remaining s'mores ingredients. Helmut passed liquor around which he made himself. Even Haymitch considered it strong. I laid back, and smoked watching Katniss talking with Effie and Johanna in the corner. Effie's eyes brighter than after she was married. She was answering her true calling. Helmut and Haymitch joked about their shared love of booze. Then Haymitch said it.

"We're smarter than everyone else. That's how we stayed alive. But shit are we shitty!" He burst out laughing. He was more drunk than I've ever seen. "Shit. We're all cunning that's how we made it." He paused to hiccup, then wretch before composing himself again. "You two" He points at Katniss and me "With your suicidial threat. I saved your ass by the way. I got Seneca to change the rule. I figured out that goddamn force field, and these two psychos, lay in wait and then chopped some motherfuckers up. So who gets to say they're the most damaged from winning? Me, nah? That bitch killed herself she doesn't lay in my concious. Those two over there just finished shit. You two" He points between Helmut and Johanna "You two fucking killed people. You laid in wait and killed motherfuckers. Dumbass Careers never saw it coming." He starts laughing hysterically. "Cold blooded killers. I see Maysliee in my dreams because I couldn't save her. You must see dying faces, but you killed them. Shit, I get you Helmut, I'd confine myself too, probably blow my brains out." He laughs more. Johanna's face turns pale.

"I had to kill them. It was me or them. I didn't want to. Those Career fucks are the psychos! Enobaria gets to live and she probably sleeps like a baby! Fuck you Haymitch! We're all here afraid to sleep, you're fucking perma drunk so you don't have to deal with it, those two fuck themselves to sleep, Helmut lives in the woods, and I have my ways. That bitch gets to live in her golden house with golden fucking teeth. We're shitty! We're shitty for letting her live when people like Blight, and Finnick died." She turns to me. "The best thing you ever did was kill Brutus."

Brutus. Brutus.

I snapped. I killed him when he killed Chaff. Chaff with one hand couldn't defend himself.

Brutus. I snapped his neck. They hijacked me before the Quell had even begun. Those hands I used to caress Katniss. Killed.

"We're all goddamn mutts." Katniss reaches out to me and I brush her off. "Fuck off. Gale was wrong, there's no question if I killed somebody. I already did." I get up and turn to the cabin.

"Goddamn mutt. I'm a mutt!" I'm screaming. I see myself in the mirror, young, handsome, guilty. Blue eyes ravaged by it. "I was a good boy once!" I punch the mirror shattering it. I feel all my muscles clamp and I fall to the floor. I whisper to myself hoping that I'll believe myself. "I'm still a good boy. I'm still good. I'm sorry Brutus! I'm sorry Mitchell, I'm sorry." I vomit, I don't bother to move, I just lay in it. Slowly I drift to sleep, when I wake the sun is up but there is silence. Haymitch sits at the kitchen table staring at my pathetic state.

"I'm sorry. I got fucked up and said some shit. You're the only one who's good. No matter what you did in your soul your good and that's what tortures you." He buries his head in his hands and weeps. I lay back down staring at the ceiling.

"Katniss."

No answer.

"Katniss!" I scream

No answer. I sit up and look around me blood, vomit, drunken vagabond, no Katniss. I knock Haymitch off his chair.

"Where is she?"

"You can guess what happened."

"Where is she?!"

"With Johanna. We found her in a closet. She didn't hurt herself this time. She's catatonic."  
I run across the courtyard separating the cottages. I burst through the door.

"Katniss!"

"She's in here. Johanna says flatly."

She's sitting curled up hugging her knees in a closet. Staring. I position myself in her gaze and kneel down.

"Katniss. I'm here. It's me. We've gotta go home. We've gotta start working on the bakery. We're getting married. We've gotta plan it. So much to look forward too."

I believe myself. She doesn't respond. She just stares. Then I do the only thing I can think of.

"Are you, are you

Coming to the tree

Where they strung up a man they say murdered three.

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree. "

She looks up.

"Are you, are you

Coming to the tree

Where the dead man called out for his love to flee.

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."

The fog lifts from her eyes.

"Are you, are you

Coming to the tree

Where I told you to run so we'd both be free.

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."

She wraps her arms around me.

"Are you, are you

Coming to the tree

Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."

Then she tells me.

"So much to look forward to."

And she believes it.


	18. Chapter 18

The episodes of the previous night were seemingly forgotten by all the others aboard the train. We're all damaged, and we're all needed. We have to figure out a way to be cohesive. The poor and downtrodden, the lives that were given up losing their meaning if this is allowed to continue. I discussed my plan with Effie, who joyfully began to plot drawing up plans for a documentary about the whereabouts of former Snow regime, and the rebuilding of the Districts. I look at all of us and Effie is the most functional. I'm not sure if that's an indictment of Effie or us. I've been learning very quickly that alcohol dependence causes more pain to surface rather than less. Perhaps Haymitch is toxic and Peeta and I should stay away. Haymitch sits in a corner alone watching the scenery fly by. I rise and go to the sleeping department. Peeta follows. I sit down and he lays his head on my lap.

"Haymitch is bringing us down." I say flatly.

"I know. He gets drunk and things get out of control. But he saved us and he needs us too. "

"Then he has to dry up" I say this time with conviction in my voice. "We can't make this work if we're drowning in the past. Haymitch is and it's pulling us all with him."

Peeta is silent for a moment.

"He needs a purpose. He stays more functional when he's got something to work for. Maybe he should lobby in the Capitol." Peeta suggests

"Yes, that's a really good idea. It's just that he needs to get clean. Once and for all. He'll backslide and that can't happen again. We should talk Effie into admitting him somewhere."

Peeta nods in accordance.

"We need to destroy his stash."

I giggle, but I'm serious. To some extent we love Haymitch like a father. We're all invested in each other. Sometimes unpleasant steps must be taken. I stroke Peeta's hair curling it around my fingers and eventually we drift off to sleep. When we wake we're dropping Helmut and Johanna off in Seven. Johanna is returning for the Lumber Games.

"Come on out for it okay?!" Johanna says.

"I can see that one log rolling'" Helmut chuckles.

I hug her and tell her we will. I don't know what logrolling is but it sounds fun enough to me. We go and sit in the common area with Effie and Haymitch who are gushing over each other. Effie's face is radiant and happy it's easy to tell without all the makeup. It takes about another four hours to get to home from Seven.

"Let's talk to Effie first" Peeta whispers. I tap Effie on the shoulder and we walk back to a dining car.

"We want Haymitch to lobby in the Capitol for us." I tell her, her face brightens before I drop the bomb "But he needs to dry up first. Peeta and I want him to get treatment. He's making things worse on himself and us."

Her face gets red, she bites her lip and shifts her weight.

"I know. He's an oaf but we just got married. I know he needs help. Can we wait? I mean I've got a lot going on in the Capitol."

"Isn't there somewhere in the Capitol?"

She sighs.

"Yes. But when word gets out it'll be a giant fire to put out."

"Then let them know, show what it's like to be a Victor. There are so many people out there who fought in the war and struggle. Maybe Haymitch can bring them hope?"

Her eyes focus.

"A beacon of hope. Yes! We can't tell him he'll never agree. He'll come with me to the Capitol, I'll prepare things for him at a rehabilitation center. Then I'll be off to see Caesar, discuss the suffering of the Victors and the outlying districts. Ooooh! A new segment! The faces war!"

I'm a little sickened that she's using her husband's alcohol to springboard her career, and to a point I don't think Effie knows any better.

When we arrive home Buttercup greets me with a hiss then mewes up to Peeta. It's just me and him in the Village now. He's excited to start working on the bakery/ cafe.

"We should call it Everlark's" He says "A combination of both our names." He wraps his arms around me as he says this planting kisses on my shoulder.

"Has a nice ring to it." I say

"I've missed home." When he says this he presses more firmly against me so I can feel the swollen member inside his pants. He reaches down and strokes between my legs. I coo and melt into the sensation. I close my eyes and let Peeta overwhelm me with his touch, his kisses along the back of my neck. I turn around and meet his lips with mine. He opens his mouth and I greet him with my tongue. His hands find their way to my breasts stroking my nipples, and I let out a gentle sigh. I drop to my knees and remove his erection from his pants and into my mouth. Nibbling and suckling around the shaft to the head. He moans and wraps his fingers into my hair. He allows me to copulate him and then he jerks me up pushing me onto the kitchen counter. He removes my pants, and my shirt. He looks me in the eyes.

"Do you want me inside you?" He says and I nod.

I wrap my arms around his neck as he enters me. He quickens his pace and enters me more fully. He has one hand wrapped around my waist, and the other is fondling my breast. I close my eyes and lay my head back. It feel heavenly, and I feel my body grasping at his, my nails dragging along his large shoulders, my voice ringing through the room. At the same time I feel him spasm grunting and panting. He lingers inside me for a moment, our foreheads touching then he lowers me down. I opt for a shower before we settle in. Peeta makes cheese rolls and deli meat for dinner and we turn on the television as we snuggle in. There's Caesar Flickerman, smiling and blue.

"Welcome miss Effie Trinket! Everyone!" He shouts out. Effie gives him a look.

"I'm sorry Effie Abernathy!" He chuckles and the crowd roars. "I believe you've come to tell us something serious today?" She nods

Effie's natural hair has been sprayed gold and is styled in victory rolls. She wears an open pink suit jacket with a white tuxedo shirt, her unbelievably tight pencil skirt matches her coat, and white wears white platform heels to top it all off. He gestures to her and they sit.

"Yes, Caesar. My husband has struggled with alcoholism since his Victory in the Second Quarter Quell. He's chosen at this time to seek help for this struggle." She says cheerfully

"My, My we wish him luck"

"Yes, he's not alone in his plight. In my experience working in the Games I've met plenty of Victors with varying degrees of scars. Some like Haymitch self medicated, some went mad, and some use the pain to help others. That's what we want to do on our team. Myself, Haymitch, and the star crossed lovers of course." She giggles.

"Oh?"

"Caesar, we went to the Cornelius Resort in Four where we met a man from Eleven who told us of the continued mistreatment of people there. He asked us to tour, he asked for a voice to bring about equality to a people starving for it. I've met men and women who fought in the war who suffer, and people who had been tortured. We need to embrace them. Show them they are not alone. So Haymitch decided to clean up, so he would be able to embrace them with both hands." She smiles and the crowd cheers.

Peeta turns off the television.

"Wow. She did it." He smiles

"We never gave her enough credit. She's got the magic touch when it comes to hard nosed people." I say.

"What happens next?" He asks.


	19. Chapter 19

Effie called after the interview in near hysterics, Haymitch thought that sending him away was the original plan. She audibly sobbed on the phone for a few moments until she told us that Plutarch wants to start things off small. Once a week progress will be shown to the people. Oh, and district Seven has volunteered to televise the Lumber Games with a big festival for all of Panem. Each week a Victor will be selected to give an outline of their lives before and after. There's lots of hustle bustle to do see you soon. Her voice cracking. I turn to Katniss who seems indifferent.

"We're going to be taste testing tomorrow. Very excited!" I stroke the end of her braid.

"Can I taste these chocolate chip cookies?" She asked provocatively

"For a price." I tell her. She bites into the cookie

"Oh delicious!"

"I was thinking we could make it like a cafe, serve hot drink, a gathering place for the residents."

She nods.

"I love that." She picks up her game bag and trots out.

I don't like it when she's gone. I'm less grounded. I get disoriented I lose my grip a little bit. The shining memories occur to me glistening back and forth between the reality and the mutt reality. My home turns into the arena, and I get confused so I grab something and I return to where I am. Sometimes it's not enough. Kneading my hands in dough turns to cracking necks. I'm repelled. I punch through walls, screaming loud enough that Katniss ran home from in the woods. Holding me rocking me. I'm grateful for her. For the rest of the day she aides me in the kitchen although she's not very much help. Greasy Sae arrives to work on the recipes we concocted. When Sae arrives Katniss excuses herself to clean the game for her to cook.

"Should we try the venison stew first?"

I nod. Katniss makes herself useful as well she brings in fresh herbs.

"How are things at home?" Greasy Sae asks

"Good. We're coming along."

"I always thought Gale was her soul mate. I guess those damn Games changed everything."

I feel rage brew within. Katniss is "My soul mate."

Greasy Sae stops chopping parsley. Startled.

"Fire and Fire do nothing but destroy. They wouldn't have worked. She's marrying me. She loves me."

"I know, I know. You have a grounding effect on her. You were such a shy boy. It takes a lot to capture that girls attention. The stars aligned."

"That they did" I replied and smiled.

"Who's making the wedding cake?" She asked coyly

"Huh? Didn't think of that."

We chop and prepare Katniss cleans and butchers the game. Soon the house if fragrant with our conctions. Shepard's Pie, Wild boar stew with dumplings, Crepes. Buttercup howling by the door licking his chops for a taste. I realize that Haymitch would appreciate this more than anyone. But he has his demons to slay.

We store all the goods for the Panem Commerce Bureau tomorrow. Plutarch, Effie and the other Victors will be there as will camera's picking up all the good things which are occurring in the Districts. My brow is sweaty from the labor and my mind free from the memories thanks to the purpose I have. This is my life now. This is my legacy for my children. Not the Victor, the baker. Children, I want children. Of course, but Katniss is a different story. It's she I want though whatever comes will come. Sae and I clean up and she hugs us goodbye as the sun dips below the horizon. We shower and eat dinner and watch the evening report.

"Who's going to make our wedding cake?" I ask.

"You silly." She replies turning and straddling me.

"Yeah, you gonna pay me for it?" She runs her fingers through my hair then kisses me deeply.

"Mmmm… that's good compensation" She runs her fingers over my shoulders and I grab her hands. "Wear the ring on your finger okay?"

She smiles and nods, then I roll her over removing her clothes.

"Now say you're mine" I grip her hands over head pinning her helplessly to the sofa my erection growing, Her eyes fill with fire.

"I'm yours." I press my lips to hers, and pull down my pants entering her. She lets out a cry as I begin to thrust. "I'm yours" She whispers in my ear and I begin to thrust harder. Her panting and moaning cheer me on and I give her everything, sweat begins to drip from my brow and her body once pliable becomes stiff as a board. She's lost control of herself and is loudly calling out.

"Who do you belong to?"

"PEETA!" With that I empty inside of her, releasing my grip and wrapping my trembling arms around her waist. We must have fallen asleep there, the next sound I hear apart from our breathing is the prep team at the door. Katniss runs to the bedroom and I slip on some shorts and let them in. Fulvia is with them.

"Good God Peeta you look like a savage!" She says when she sees me. It's true I've let my hair and beard grow, but I like the look. I'm not the clean cut boy anymore. I'm a mutt. I begin warming food in the oven tying my hair back in a stubby ponytail. Effie arrives and gushes over the lovely smells.

"Okay, so be sure to go into detail about the new bakery and your plans for it within the community. You and Katniss will announce your wedding plans are back on and you will join everyone on a tour of the District. Very simple Caesar Flickerman will be here in the flesh so no awkwardness."

-"Good morning bitchess!"

It's Johanna. Dressed in a sleeveless dress and black slacks with matching flats. Her short hair slicked back.

"Smells great!" She says.

"Good to see you Johanna." I wrap my arms around her.

"Hi Peeta." It's Annie demur but looking bright behind the eyes little Finnick is with her.

I hug her and stroke the babies cheeks. Helmut nods, and Enobaria is passive.

"Looks like you're in full swing young man" Beetee says.

I hug him as well.

Katniss enters the room. They've pulled her hair into a bun and put on simple make up. She's dressed identically to Johanna except all in black her mockingjay pin on her shoulder.

"Hello, Hello everyone!" Effie ushers to big shots into my home along with camera crews and Caesar. "Peeta has prepared samples of the goodies he's putting on the menu for the bakery! We'll eat then look at the site okay?"

I gaze at the faces. Most I don't know there's pompus Plutarch, Diamond, and Gale yaking to cameras about how happy he is to see the progress of his home district. I stare at him. Hard. Katniss entwines her fingers into mine and I feel myself being pulled back to earth.

"Peeta! So happy to see you doing well young man!" Caesar says.

"Yes, I've been busy. Building a life after all that happened."

"Very glad to see. So tell us what have you prepared for us today? I must say it smells devine!"

I explain the dishes and the collaborative effort with Sae and Katniss. How we poured Twelve into each dish. Serving all present as I do.

"My boy this is delightful! Now I hear a rumor about some happy news?"

I smile unintentionally because I really feel it. I stare at Gale as I say it.

"Katniss and I have decided since the dust has settled and life is progressing we should move forward with the wedding"

"Wow! I'm so happy! A true inspiring love story! Miss Everdeen, or Mellark are you planning something lavish?" He looks at Katniss who is glowing

"No, I think we'd like something quaint here in Tweleve."

"Lovely, Lovely. Now show us around! Let's see that progress!"

We stroll about until we stand at the site where construction has begun on the bakery. The other Victors along side us. I wrap my arm around Katniss.

"I want this to be the center of our community. A place where citizens can socialize in the open. We can have live music, and celebrations. I hoping to call it Everlark's."

Caesar nods in approval. He turns to interview Gale and Plutarch. When the TV crews are done we disperse amongst ourselves. Gale grabs me on the shoulder.

"Don't be so smug. Your second choice."

Rage builds.

"Don't be so bitter, the only time she's happy in in my arms."

"I gave her some happiness while you were in their custody. You got seconds get it? If Prim were here this would look much different." He pats me on the back and walks away.

Blinding light and rage. He schmoozing. The war changed him. He's not Gale anymore. He's a mutt. I turn and go back behind my house where I close my fists and bang them against the brick. I collapse. Maybe I am second choice. I can hear their laughter around me, suffocating. That's what they all think. I'm second place. I hear my name being called. She's standing right in front of me.

"I'm second place to you aren't I. You can't be with Gale because of Prim" I choking back tears.

"No. You give me hope. Gale destroys, you bring life. You fed me, in multiple ways."

I look up at her. Her gray eyes sincere. She reaches up her arms and I take them. She kisses me and we join the others only Gale, Diamond, and Johanna remain.

"What happen to your hands Peeta. Lose it a little bit."

Rage.

"I can lose it a lotta bit too. Brutus got to see. Do you?"

There's an audible silence. Enobaria is standing behind me.

"Don't say his fucking name again!" She spits at me. She's crying. She feels.

"Enobaria…"

"Goddamnit! You think we're monsters don't you? Because we're Careers. The lot of you!" She looks at all of us. "We're all monsters! You wanna see mine?!" She hisses. Johanna stands up.

"I do." She draws a knife from her pocket.

Enobaria seems to come to her senses, or at least she's lost her lust for blood.

"Fuck you. We're all the same" She turns and leaves slamming the front door. Johanna returns her knife to her pocket and sits.

"And these are the Victors who we uphold." Gale says cynically "You're all barely sane. You'll all end up killing each other. Katniss, aren't you afraid Peeta will kill you? Even accidentally?"

My fumbling hands retrieve a cigarette from my shirt pocket and light it.

"Gale. I think you should leave." Katniss says coldly.

"Katniss…"

"Leave! I know what you're trying to do to Peeta. You won't change my mind. Leave!"

His lip quivers and his eyes grow icy. He grabs Diamond by the hand.

"Enjoy your life." He says leaving

"We will." I say as the door is closing. "We will."


	20. Chapter 20

After everyone left everything was quiet. I found myself deeply disturbed by Gale's behavior. Taunting Peeta as though Peeta were less than human. Fearing Peeta would kill me. Not trusting my instincts. I ruminate upon it while in the woods, and anger built. I always felt pressured by him. Stifled, Peeta makes me free. He spends the day baking, planning the bakery. Haymitch is returning tomorrow. So I have to destroy his liquor stash before he gets back. Something Peeta and I will do together. Johanna stayed with us after the event in Twelve. She helps around the house, she feeds the geese and is making Haymitch's home livable for his return. Removing all signs of the Games. Today I'm alone in the woods. Hunting for game. The woodland population is flourishing. A deer walks into my path and I take it down with an arrow to the heart and drag it back to the house. Johanna helps me clean it.

"You think sobriety will stick?" She asks.

"No, but he could shock us. We'll keep sending him back until it does."

"This defender of the helpless shit, we're all supposed to be involved? Like the Victors?"

"Yes."

"Even though Annie is off her rocker and Enobaria and I want to kill one another."

"Well Beetee seems to be in control of his devices."

"We're more figure heads." I add

"This thing with Peeta and Gale…"

"Bullshit." I interrupt her. "Gale thinks he owns me. I'm tired of the histrionics. I really am."

"Okay. No talking about it."

I give a faint smile. We clean the game and Peeta cooks it.

"So what are we going to do with the booze? Make a big bonfire with it?"

Peeta chuckles. "That's an idea."

They continue talking while Gale's behavior burns in my skull.

"I never loved him you know. Gale. I just thought I was supposed to."

Johanna and Peeta gaze back and forth confused.

"It's okay Katniss."

"No. He wants to get between us. It's fucked up he's making Peeta think I don't love him." I slam my palms into the table. "I don't want anymore drama goddamnit. I just want to do the right thing."

I storm away into my bedroom, I without thought rifle through my closet and pull out a box, a box containing a knife taken from the first arena. I apply it to my arm and draw sweet red. An instant release, the tension of Gale bearing down upon me gone. I slip on a long sleeved shirt and trot downstairs.

"Let's go smash some bottles!" I call out

"Hells yea!"

We spend the evening looking through Haymitch's home insuring every stashed bottle was disposed of. Room by room. We started a fire in the fireplace and threw at least twelve bottles in it. Johanna stayed at Haymitch's home, and Peeta and I returned home and nestled into bed.

"I love you." Peeta tells me fondling my breasts. We began to kiss, fondle until Peeta lifts my shirt.

"What's this?" He says staring at my fresh wounds.

"I relapsed."

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I didn't want to. Gale is crushing me! He doesn't want me with anyone else. He's poisoning us!"

"No he's not! I know you love me. You're with me."

"Whatever you think I'm' with you because of Prim"

"No."

"I have to face these people who are associated with pain! I'm choosing it! Why do I give a fuck about the people in Eleven? Or Eight? Or Six?"

"Because you have a sense of justice."

"Look at where it's getting me!" I hold out my arms.

"This is good Katniss you're talking about what's really bothering you. It's being around reminders of pain. We are moving forward. We're creating a better world."

I responded by kissing him taking off where we left it. Eventually lowering myself onto his erection and oscillating until he came the rolling over and feigning sleep. What am I? Selfish for wanting to not care? Is there a girl in Eleven hoping for hope while I fall apart because I hate the people who can help her? Including myself. If I were to save one person would I feel more whole? Peeta makes me feel some simbilance to human. My eyes flutter open the sun is up. Peeta catches me before I can rise with it pinning me to the bed.

"We're in this together." He kisses me running his fingers through my hair, and I open myself up to him. He fills that opening and each thrust is a jolt awakening me to life until I orgasm and the sunshines in full. A jule giving me energy for the day. It's nine in four hours Haymitch will be here. Presumably a changed man. Peeta and I shower silently. Breakfast is an omelette with toast. There's still three hours to kill so I decide to take to the woods. Not to hunt but to pick wildflowers for Haymitch's home. Making it more lovely for Effie rather than Haymitch. I can't help but to feel selfish. Are my qualms valid? When other people suffer so much greater than I do why do I fall apart over the presence of others? I feel confused which leads to anger. I train my attention on my quest for flowers. I find some daffodils, and daisies I traipse over to Haymitch's home where Johanna is hanging pictures which have fallen in disrepair. I find a vase and fashion the flowers into a centerpiece for the table. Johanna puts her hands on her hips.

"Well looks better than the shit pile it was."

I laugh.

"That's not hard. Smells better too."

"I wonder what sober Haymitch will be like." Johanna says.

"He's been drunk for so long I don't think he knows who to be."

Johanna and I go out to his garden which is still in a state of disrepair and pull weeds. Concentration on turning soil and pulling leaves brings relief from the strain of being alive. Soon the once weed farm is turned into a lovely palate for a garden. Peeta walks over.

"Wow. That's very nice." He says

"Thanks!" Johanna quips happily

"It's time to go to the station. I packed some lunch for you two, I figured you didn't want to be bothered."

He packed a lovely lunch of cheese and bread and various berries. We eat as Peeta drives to the station. I have butterflies in my stomach thinking of how Haymitch will react when he sees us. Anger? Gratitude? We can only know once he arrives. As we pull up to station we see he already has. He's standing with his arm around a happy Effie. A good sign. He's slimmer being as he's not bloated from alcohol. His eyes seem clear and he seems a bit younger. Peeta parks and we make our way to them. He welcomes us with an embrace.

"Thanks. We've got a lot of hard work to do. I need you rugrats." He says

"We're here." Peeta replies.

Effie tells us about how Haymitch is to go to outpatient treatment in the Capitol and is allowed to come home on the weekends. Haymitch grasps her hand with both of his. He has a slight smile. When we arrive home Effie gushes over the improvement.

"Oh! You've made a lovely home for us. Look Haymitch there's a new flower bed, and how lovely and clean the house is."

Haymitch walks around room by room. Checking for a stash he won't find.

"You were pretty thorough." He says to us.

"Ripper knows not to sell to you as well." Peeta answers.

His face is flush for a moment, then he softens.

"Thank you."

I'm not sure if he's enjoying sobriety. Like the rest of us he has to face what he's been through without anesthetic. He has a noticeable tremor in his hands, and he seems to cross in and out of emotions holding Effie's hand when a negative wave hits. We sit in his den listening to music. Except he doesn't sit. Rather he paces like a caged animal. He's sober. But he has a long way to go before he's better. The pain must be agonizing for him on the inside.


	21. Chapter 21

Haymitch's manner was quiet after returning from the hospital. He didn't have anything to discuss. Perhaps all the rehashed trauma had thickened his tongue. Learning to sit with the pain is the hardest part. No matter what you do nothing which has been deemed healthy will dull it quite like your chosen poison. Katniss, self harm, Self harm for myself as well. Grounding my wrists into handcuffs until they bled to stave of the horror in my mind. Letting the mutt take over to escape the pain. I have Katniss, making love to her has proven to be effective in the realm of retaining sanity. We ground each other. I should have sent Katniss back to the hospital after she most recently cut herself. I'm selfish, I needed her with me and instead of helping her I reinforced the behavior. I light a cigarette and lean back in my chair.

"How do you feel?" I ask Haymitch

"Like shit. They want me to… sort through the trauma. Let the flashbacks come. It hurts too much. I want to drink. They tell me the short term benefit isn't worth the long term cost."

"I understand." I tell him holding out a cigarette for him. He takes it lights it drawing deeply the smoke.

"I knew everyone was going to die. It doesn't feel real what I did. I wanted to save Maysilee to what? Kill her myself in the end? There's no rhyme or reason to what happened. It felt like a nightmare when I drank now it's creeping up on me. It's too real son."

"I know. I killed people too. We thought we were good people. We try to be now. They tell us we did what we had to but there are times I wish I died in the arena. They don't even let you kill yourself in that place." Johanna says from the corner looking out a window.

"Why don't you all hate me? For my part in the Games? I ushered you there. I tried to make you feel welcome and positive. To me it just felt like a rotating door of tributes. Coming and going."

"Because you didn't know better baby." Haymitch looks at her with sincerity in his eyes. "All that bullshit on my part didn't help you understand what it did to us. The Capitol hailed us as heros. We weren't we were survivors. You didn't see the reality until those two came along and had to go back. You realized people who others love and love others go in there and don't come back."

"So ignorance excuses my part?"

"You changed your mind in the end didn't you?" Katniss asked.

Haymitch walks to her and wraps his arms around her kissing her neck and whispering to her. She pats his arms in affirmation.

"My head doctor wants me to say what I think when I think about the trauma. It does help to get it out."

"They raped me when they took me." Effie blurts out. "After the Quell they took me because I was associated with you. The peace keepers took their turns with me."

"Me too." Johanna says.

"Well now we all know each others secrets." Effie says smiling. "But we're healing from that. Life is moving on and we can make it better right?" She asks as though she's unsure. It's hard to tell because of her Capitol accent but I think she's asking for affirmation.

"Yes." I say.

"Well what about the wedding?" She says looking between me and Katniss.

"I want to wear a dress that Cinna made me, but not a wedding dress, nothing white. I'm not innocent. I'd like to have the celebration here in twelve in the courtyard with everyone here, the other Victors, my mother. I want wildflowers to line the aisle and a trelise for the ceremony. Johanna to be my witness."

It makes me so happy to hear her say these things. Johanna looks touched as well.

"Well you'll have you know I can make things happen."

"-No cameras." Katniss says. "No live cameras. Only during the reception to show how well we're doing. We're no longer star crossed lovers."

I extinguish my cigarette and smile.

"Peeta do you intend to groom yourself?"

"Fuck no! I am as I am."

"Can we have caterers from the Capitol? Not to put down Greasy Sae but Capitol food is beyond compare."

"Yes darling." Effie says. While she's here in Twelve she doesn't wear makeup she still dresses beautifully and I think Haymitch likes her that way. He's more withdrawn since his return but he's also more affectionate to Effie. Clinging to her in the same way Katniss and I cling to each other. We hang around for a couple more hours talking about more pleasant things before Katniss and I return home. She sits to write in the book, and I paint. I'm painting Katniss her palms turned up, a cut across her forehead the firelight illuminating her face as it did in the cave. However she's only wrapped in a sheet in a pose of repose and submission. Giving up her pain and accepting her weakness.

"Hmmm… She says behind me. I like it. It's more abstract that what you've done before."

I turn and open my arms to her, she sits on my lap. I put my hands on either side of her face and kiss her chin, then her lips and she eagerly returns my kisses. I bury my face in her chest running my hands along her sides, the curvature of her figure is art. Her body strong from hunting and climbing. Yet she's so small. I slide my hands to her breasts which are small as well yet supple. I breathe her in always smelling like jasmine. I begin to kiss along her chest. She sits stoic watching me with her hunters eyes. I move to her breast kissing one then the other then sucking them first gently then with more vigor. She audibly sighs my name yet holds her posture. Watching. The pressure inside me is building. I roll her over prone underneath me and slip my fingers inside her stroking her. Our eyes connect hers are full of hunger. She's becoming more and more wet beckoning me in, yet I want her to beg. I release my eye contact and move to her cunt. Sucking on her clit. She begins to squirm yet I don't budge.

"Peeta! Please!"

All I need to here. I remove my clothing and roll her to her stomach and lift her hips with one arm as I plunge my manhood into her. Thrusting panting, sweat rolling down. I withdraw from within her and roll her over again so I'm looking into those eyes. That hungry girl I fed. That hungry girl I love. I reenter her and once again begin my rhythm as she wraps her legs around my my waist.

"I love you Katniss. I've loved you. This is all I wanted in life, you understand. You're so warm around me." I plant kisses on her neck. "I can still taste your sweet cunt."

Then I kiss her fully on the mouth. She arches her back with her strong legs she rolls me over on top of me griping into my hair.

"You fell so, so good inside me Peeta." She begins to rock back and forth in an undulating motion. "I'm gonna come. Oh God!" She moans loudly calling my name. She's so vocal as she comes. She picks up her pace sweat rolling between her breasts. I sit up grabbing her buttocks still inside her I stand up and slam her back onto the bed. I take her legs and put them on my shoulders biting her. She claws into my chest until she draws blood. I push deeply inside her and thrust wildly until I come. At which point I lay down beside her, she rests her head on my chest.

"We haven't eaten."

"Is that a hint?" I ask

"Yes." She giggles.

I pull on some shorts and she wraps a blanket around her and we walk down the stairs. She opens the icebox and pulls out left overs from the tasting and we gorge ourselves.

"Are you excited to marry me?" I ask her.

"You have no idea." She replies.

"Then let's just do it. Let's elope. We can still have a party." I kiss her shoulders and wrap my arms around her. "I want you to be my wife, so badly."

"Just the two of us? No one else?" She asks.

"Yes." I reply.

"Can we have a traditional Twelve ceremony?"

"Yes."

"I want to be your wife." She turns around looking me in the face. "I want it to be about us."

"Does this mean you'll do it?"

"Yes."

I kiss her in elation. I have no words. Instead I make love to her again at the kitchen table. Then again on the sofa, and again in the bedroom. I tell her thousands of I love yous. I hold her tight to me in the bed when we've exhausted ourselves.

"That means I'll always be yours?" She asks

"Always." I say.


	22. Chapter 22

I'm not sure I should indulge Peeta in his romanticism. He's created a fairytale. Perhaps it is in a way. He longs for happiness so badly he's forcing it. At the sametime I do want to marry him. I to be Mrs. Mellark, to shed the skin of the Games, of the war, the wings of the mockingjay but it's not that easy. When we get married Peeta and I will still be broken. There will still be flashbacks and nightmares. He did it during the Victory Tour. Those nights on the train where he painted our romance before I was even convinced I loved him. He would hold me while we made love, spilling it all, the pain he felt in his heart that my feelings about him, his fervent love, that he took the nightmares from me, that we were one. He made the act grandiose, something more than the comfort it was that when he saw me holding Gale's hand on the kitchen table the nightmares would return. His fallacy that his love was shared protected him from the Games. The version of reality he holds where if we're together as one the pain of the Games will leave us. The haunting will not stop. We agreed that we were going to do it in Seven when we go for the Lumber Games. It will be a secret.

We leave on Friday. Haymitch has left with Effie to the Capitol to resume his treatment. Johanna left for Seven. It's just me and him in the Victors Village. This furthers the image that we live in a different world. When no one is here Peeta will make love to me in the meadow. Meeting me when I return to eat with him. Laying out a blanket with food. Laying me out to remove my clothing and rub my sore muscles with oil. Starting with my back and buttocks, my legs, rolling me over looking me in the eyes he would cup my breasts reverently stroking each nipple before moving his hand to my opening massaging me. He trembles as he does this, his breathing quickens. He reminds me of the prey knowing their being hunted, but not from where death will come. He wants me and he wants to beg. Who is the prey and who is the hunter? When our agony is enough I give him what he needs. He hovers above me looking me into my eyes throbbing, thrusting.  
"God I love you. Oh, God I love the way you feel… You're mine… You're going to be my wife."

The pure ecstasy he feels knowing I am really his blocks out the reality of the past. After we make love we lay out on the blanket and sleep. He always wakes before me and nuzzles me awake. We return home refreshed.

"What are you going to wear?"

"I haven't thought about it I thought this was a secret. So nothing too flashy."

"I want you to look special. I want an image of you ingrained into my mind."

I take this as a swipe at my daily couture.

"Hey sorry I'm not Effie."

"No, No. I mean something especially sexy."

"Okay." I reply "I'll surprise you."

We spend the week in this same cycle. Morning we work, me make love at lunch, and fuck in the evening. We take advantage of the solitude. On Friday Peeta seems especially happy.

"You remember what happened on that train?"

I laugh sheepishly. I really felt bad about it then. Like I was doing something heartless. Using Peeta.

"Yeah, I fucked some guy on that thing once."

He grabs the back of my neck and kisses me. We're alone on the train, and Peeta wants to go to our sleeping compartment immediately.

Other things happened on that train. We rolled to our believed imminent demises. We feared for our families as the nation crumbled. We watched horrific video of the Games. Peeta only clings to this part where we found relief as though we never went to the Games. I indulge him in it. Anyway to dull the pain. It takes eight hours to get to Seven. Johanna meets us at the station. Seven in full of pine forests which shelters the ground from the sun. Squirrels and other woodland creatures are in abundance. There always seems to be a light fog. People live in log cabins within the forest until we reach a town. Where the buildings are red brick. She runs to us like she hasn't seen us in years.

"I'm so excited you're here! We'll stay at my house okay?!"

We nod in agreement. She drives us past the town to small plot of land at the edge of the forest. The houses were out log. Great lodges that looked warm and cozy. The inside of her home was wood as well, and moose antlers lined the walls.

"How was your trip?"

"Good." I reply.

She offers apple cider which we accept.

"So what do you think?"

"It's amazing. Everything feels cozy. The fireplace is huge." Peeta tells her.

We here a jingling and a giant dog runs out of the hall way and takes down Johanna. We move to assist her but she's laughing loudly. Laughing more cheerfully that I've ever heard. She moves the big slobbering creature and stands up.

"This is Spike. He was Blight's dog. He's really good company."

"He seems to make you happy." I tell her.

"He does."

"You can bring him to Twelve with you." Peeta tells her and she smiles.

"I'd love to see him with Buttercup" I say out loud.

I extend my hand to him and he lumbers to me and I jostle his ears. Everything about Johanna's home was warm. This must be where she feels safe. We must be meeting the real Johanna. A friendly bubbly girl.

"Wanna brew?" She asked pointing her finger between us. We decline. "Alright I'm gonna grab a beer."

"Tomorrow is opening ceremony. It's pretty much a giant cookout. We remember fallen tributes. Everyone drinks a lot is very fun."

"Do you think it would be a good idea for Haymitch to go?"

"Effie should keep in him check right?"

We nod though doubtfully. Johanna escorts us to our room, and gives us directions to the facilities.

"Don't be too loud you too!" She says

Instead of us being too loud it was her. Apparently Johanna doesn't like to sleep alone either. She must have a secret lover. She called out into the night, over and over. There was banging as though a war were going on. Peeta chuckles. I'm disturbed. To my surprise, when I get up in the middle of the night to pee I meet a familiar face. Someone who survived. It was Beetee. Johanna's lover. Was Beetee. We stared at each other shocked for a few moments. Beetee had arrived after us. He looked embarrassed.

"Please don't say anything." He looked panicked as though it were a giant scandal to me.

"I understand." I assure him which is true. They're seeking out what Peeta and I did on the train, what we did in that basement when we were the only two awake, and still do. Comfort. Peeta wants to get married in four days. Does he know for sure he loves me past that comfort? Should we wait? I look down and walk back into the bedroom. Peeta rolls over and wraps an arm around me.

"What took you so long baby?"

"You sure you want to know"

"What was it?"

"Beetee"

He sat up and looked down at me.

"Fucking Johanna?"  
"Fucking Johanna." I reply

"Wow."

I laugh. Peeta's openness with me amazes me. It's something I would have with another human beings. We know things only the other knows. I love that I share everything with him. He with me. His devotion. The fact I give him reprieve from the bad memories. I just don't want it to go away. I want Peeta to know whether he loves that part of me that came out of the Games? The part who partook in his suffering not just the one who takes it away.


	23. Chapter 23

Beetee wow. I eye them at breakfast seemingly shameless is Johanna but him not so much. He won't look at Katniss or myself. I don't judge either of them. The night is hard for someone who has been through what we have.

"How are things coming along Beetee?" I ask him

"Things are good enough. Working with Plutarch Heavensbee isn't the easiest of tasks, but I'm employed and busy. Which is a lot better than most."

"I hear that." Johanna says.

She feeds Spike bacon from the table and he eagerly laps it up along with scrambled eggs.

"So the two of you are tying the knot huh?" Beetee asks

"Yes. Hopefully the beginning of the spring." Katniss tells him. I slide my hand down to her knee and pat it.

"Peeta you're quite the talented baker if I say so myself. I thoroughly enjoyed the tasting."

"Thank you Beetee."

Breakfast continues that way the air heavy with awkwardness which Johanna seems oblivious of.

"Did we wake you guys up?" She asks grinning. Beetee turn bright red. She elbows him. "We're all adults here! Beetee likes to keep me company whenever he can."

"No, you were fine. I get it a little company goes a long way."

"I know it! Who else would understand him right? Enobaria would probably bite his cock off." She laughs out loud.

Katniss squirms in her seat. As does Beetee.

"We've all been through a lot." I say trying to ease the anxiety which has prevailed over the room.

Johanna stand and takes everyone's plates.

"Shoo! Get ready!"

Katniss and I return to our room. She removes her clothes and turns on the shower. Her skin supple, I long to carress. To kiss her, put her in my mouth. I follow her into the shower and spin her around.

"Peeta!" She says shocked.

I nibble on her neck up to her ear. I push her against the wall and stroke her nipples looking her in the eye as I do. Her face startled yet welcoming. She closes her eyes and sighs. I wrap her close to me in my arms and kiss her deeply. She allows my tongue into her mouth and we lose ourselves. When I've had enough I lift one of her legs and enter her. She seems surprised when I do. I lean her against the wall and push deeper into her. I soon feel her closing in around me. She squeaks, and moans. She whispers her orgasm in my ear. I whisper sweet nothings to her as I pump inside her. Pressure builds inside me and I come lingering inside her.

"Peeta, you know that I was part of it too. The Games that is."

My head is against the wall, hers on my shoulder.

"Yes. That's why you're so important."

"If we're getting married I need to know that you love that part of me too. That part that was involved with inflicting pain."

I withdraw from her and stair her in the eyes.

"If? Katniss I know exactly what happened. I remember you as a mutt all too vividly. I fight that because I love you. I know it's there I just choose not to dwell on it. Do you not what to marry me?"

I feel incredibly hurt that Katniss doubts her love for me. She feels I use her as an anestetic. She's more than that.

"Am I really that shallow? You're the one who used me for comfort!" I detest the idea that I don't know what I'm getting into. "I always loved you. If anyone should have doubts it should be me!"

I slam my hand against the wall and leave. I throw clothes on and trot down stairs. The prep teams arrive and I point up the stairs guiding them up the stairs. I nod my head to Beetee.

"Peeta! Peeta!" I can hear Katniss screaming. "Come back!"

Speaking of histronics. Venia comes down and tells me to calm her. Everytime something happens Katniss doesn't like she breaks down. Especially when she's upset me. I trudge up the stairs and see her there laying in the fetal position. Tears streaming down her face.

"Please Peeta. I don't have doubt."

I stand there staring at her from the doorway.

"Why do you have to push me away?"

"I don't, I don't"

"You're constantly coming up with reasons why we can't get married."

"I'm scared." She looks doe eyed. As though I'll strike her.

"I love you." I tell her. "Accept it."

"I do. I do."

"Then don't ask me if I love all of you. I do."

I pick her up off the ground.

"You have to get ready baby. TV today. Keep it together just for today."

"Okay." She says this flat and monotone. I nod the prep team in and trot back down the stairs pulling a cigarette as I do so.

"I thought Johanna was lesbian?" I hear behind me. Katniss is chirping away about Johanna and Beetee's affair. She's not okay. I meet Beetee in the living room. He looks up from his computer and smiles at me.

"Always working." He says smiling.

"Yea." I exhale.

"How's Katniss?"

"Day by day." I tell him.

Haymitch and Effie walk in who is again fully made up.

"Hello! Hello!"

I stand to greet her, kissing each cheek. Beetee greets Haymitch first.

"Big, Big day! We're filming the opening ceremonies where you will have front row seats. The focus will be on Johanna as this is her district."

A jingling comes down the hall Effie jumps onto a chair.

"This skirt is vintage!" She squeals.

Haymitch laughs hysterically. Today histronics are everywhere. Johanna rumbles down the stairs wearing a flannel and skinny jeans with combat boots. She smiles as she sees everyone.

"I see you met Spike." She laughs hugging Haymitch than Effie, finally putting an arm around Beetee's waist.  
"I thought you were a lesbian." Haymitch says.

"Bi-sexual" She answers flatly kissing Beetee's shoulder. He squirms uncomfortably but puts an arm around her waist.

"Didn't know you were a cradle robber." Haymitch ribs. "Where's Katniss?"

"Not a good day." I tell him. He nods

After another five minutes or so Katniss saunters down the stairs. She's dressed identically to Johanna her hair in her trademark braid. She greets everyone and I place a reassuring arm around her. I love her endlessly, though on her bad days she can be exhausting. She's wearing the ring on her finger. When we arrive at the fairgrounds the rest of the group goes ahead of us. She stopped and turned to face me.

"Peeta I love you. Can we still get married tomorrow?"

"Yes. I'll always want to marry you." I pull her close to me and kiss her on the head. We rejoin others, Gale and Enobaria have joined the group along with camera men and Caesar Flickerman. Johanna is talking to him about axe throwing.

"Johanna! Can we get an exhibition?"

She smiles and grabs an axe throwing towards a bullseye marked on a tree trunk.

"Oh my! She's quite handy with that thing! Let's have a little competition amongst our heros here shall we?"

"Yes!" Enobaria agrees staring down Johanna. We went one by one throwing three axes each. Enobaria and Katniss were both quite competent. It was Gale who blew us out of the water. Johanna slaps me on the back

"That's alright you'll kill at the hammer throw."

Gale and eye lock eyes from across the field he's talking to Caesar, and watching me as though I'm a wild animal at the same time. He pats Caesar on the shoulder and walks up to me.

"You hurt her and I will kill you. I asked her if I could when you joined our squad."

I feel myself slipping.

"Good to see you too Gale." I need to find Katniss. I need her to bring me down.

_Disclaimer: The next chapter will contain disturbing material._


	24. Chapter 24

"Miss Everdeen may I talk to you in private?" A man wearing an official uniform says to me.

"Yes." I agree nervously. We walk away past the fairgrounds into the forest as we enter the tree line he punches me across the jaw.

When I come to I'm on my back looking up at the sky the gray sky which hangs low sagging past the tops of the pine trees.

"Do you know who I am?" The voice says to me. It's the same man he's straddling me looking down upon me. I shake my head. "I'm the one who shot you. Coin sent me to Two. She wanted you dead. There are still Coin supporters mostly in Eleven, and we really, really want to finish the job. I hear you're coming to shut us down. Well, now the Mockingjay needs to stop singing."

I struggle fruitlessly against his weight.

"First I'm going to teach you a lesson."

He slaps me across the face again and the grabs a handful of hair and takes a knife cutting off all my clothes. Smiling he fondles my breast. Hot tears begin to streak down my face. He's defiling me. He then takes my hand and places it on his erect penis. He leans down.

"Put your fucking mouth on it." I shake my head. I just want him to finish killing me. "I'll kill your lover too. He was supposed to die as well." I squeeze my eyes shut. No. Peeta. I'm sorry. I think to myself and acquiesce to his request. After a few moments he rips my head away and rolls me over onto the dirt his hand smashing my head into the dirt so it's the only thing I can breath. I feel his fingers entering me, not gently like Peeta does but rough and hard painful. It's then not just his fingers. I close my eyes tuning it out waiting for it all to end. The humiliation is worse than the prospect of death. The suddenly he stops he off me, I can turn my head. I see Peeta, he had thrown him to the ground and is kicking him in the mouth, crushing his teeth blood seeping from my attackers mouth. We are now eye to eye. Peeta is sitting on top of him hands around his throat choking the life from him. His eyes bulging gurgling on his blood. Peeta's eyes are wild, not like my Peeta the gentle soul. He's the mutt created by the Capitol. Someone tackles him and then a boot comes down on my attacker.

"Peeta! Stop!" A voice yells. Johanna

"No! Let me fucking kill him! I saw it! I saw what he did!"

Johanna hollers at someone.

"Go get Haymitch and Plutarch."

Johanna struggles and the other rescuer who turns out to be Enobaria assists Johanna in holding him down eventually pinning him to a tree by his t-shirt with a knife. He looks down at me. His shirt once white is red his eyes are wild his breathing short and rapid. Enobaria kicks my attacker in the stomach once more and he groans.

"What the fuck?" Johanna says to her

"Just checking if he's still alive." Enobaria says laughing. Johanna takes off her flannel and places it over me. Soon Haymitch, Plutarch, and Gale arrive.

"What did he do!" Gale screams

"I saved her you fuck hole, that prick was raping her!" Peeta says nearly unintelligible due to his sobbing.

"I can't tell who it is. His face is pretty mangled." Plutarch says. He then looks down at me. "Do you know who this man is."

"He only told me he's the one who shot me." I whimper to him.

"What should we do?" Asks Johanna.

"Kill him!" Peeta screams.

"The boy has a point. We don't want this shit public." Enobaria says

"No. He needs to be interrogated and held accountable." Plutarch says. "Lieutenant Hawthorne, please collect this man with and take him to the justice building. I'll trust him to your care."

Gale kicks him in the stomach then squats down looking him in the eyes.

"We're going to have fun you and me." He then trots off toward the police station. Peeta is wriggling about on the tree.

"Let me go! Let me see her."

Johanna responds by removing the knife from the tree. He then crawls over to me. I must be very injured because Peeta looks afraid to touch me. He then looks down at his knuckles which are covered in blood that is not his own. His eyes morph to Peeta's again and he resumes sobbing and stroking my hair.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you out of my sight."

I don't respond to him. I just close my eyes.

When I wake up again I'm in a hospital bed. Peeta is sitting across from me with his hands bandaged. I sit up and look at him. He's still beautiful. When he sees me he cries again.

"Don't. Don't" I say to him. "Lay with me." And he does, and I feel safe the only time I ever feel safe.

"I haven't been letting anyone visit. I didn't think you'd want the commotion."

I nod. I put my head on his chest and my whole body hurts.

"Peeta. I hurt." I say to him.

He presses a button which controls the morphling pump. The world becomes hazy again and I sleep in Peeta's arms. It must have been for more than a day because Peeta is beginning to smell and wearing the same clothes. There's a knock on the door. A doctor walks in the room.

"Hi Miss Everdeen how are you feeling."

"Awful."

"Well you sustained quite a bit of trauma. You have a concussion, and we had to suture your perineal area. You'll make a full recovery. Just no sex for six weeks."

I nod.

"Haymitch and Plutarch need to talk to you about the attack."

Peeta stiffens.

"No."

Plutarch pushes through the door.

"It's necessary to bring who did this to justice. And Peeta you almost killed him, so her account would exhonerate you from any assault convictions."  
I recount the attack, and what he told me about Eleven, about Coin and killing me. Plutarch nodding, Haymitch turns away.

"Yes. Well it seems this was a former Capitol rebel, he supported Coin and ascended the ranks. He was put in an official position in Eleven. It appears he and some other Captiol ex-pats don't like the Paylor regime's ideas about equal opportunity and redistribution of wealth. Their numbers are very small but they have access to a large amount of funding, the majority are former Peacekeepers. This tends to be a problem after a civil war. Sectarian violence."

Peeta looks stunned. Haymitch's eyes are hard.

"You, Peeta, and all the other Victors are being moved to protective custody, in the Capitol."

"NO!" I cry

"Katniss I understand your qualms about this but there are people out to kill all of you and want to topple the government. We'll get this taken care of, then you can go home."

I don't want the sterility of the Capitol. It feels invasive as though someone is doing this again.

"Where will we be staying?"

"The former training facility."  
"Oh even better." I place my hands over my eyes and lean back. I was supposed to be getting married this week. Plutarch and Haymitch leave. It's me and Peeta again.

"Can we still get married?" I ask

"Yes." He assures me brushing a tendril of hair from my forehead.

"I mean like in the Capitol."

He smiles.

"Yes, we're still going to elope."

I snuggle back into him. He's my home, the only place I'm safe. He holds me and turns on the television.

"Sad news from District Four today. Victor Annie Cresta Odair and her young son were found murdered, a terrorist organization is taking responsibility. Saying they'll kill off Victors and their families until Paylor steps down and Romulus Thread is named President." Peeta quickly turns off the feed. I feel him shaking, the warm tears dripping into my hair. I weep with him. We hold each other and weep. I don't want to leave this room or this place, just stay like this with Peeta. Just let it be only us.


	25. Chapter 25

We stare blankly ahead the walls all too familiar. The training center. Katniss and I spend nights together, making love sure of our imminent demise. Now we sit on our bed dressed in black for Annie's funeral. Katniss only speaks to me since we heard the terrible news. She blames herself. I stroke her hand, and she rests her head on my shoulders.

"She's with Finnick now." I tell her

She nods and pats my hand. That's the only consolation they're together again. We're being hunted once again. The world has become the arena. The only way to win is to "stay alive". Enobaria told us that many of the terrorist group came from Two so we know they're specially trained. Gale is in charge of clandestine operations into Eleven extracting and killing known supporters via informants. A car bomb went off outside the bakery back home, Beetee's headquarters was blown up, as well as Johanna's house. Helmut is no where to be seen. Which is good news. Katniss is surviving by the day. There are days I have to dress her, bathe her. Other days it's like nothing happened. We sit and wait for the others to be ready. I'm in an all black suit, Katniss in a black blouse and skirt wearing her Mockingjay pin. Johanna is the first to meet us. She's wearing black slacks and a shirt her hair slicked back and a veil is covering her face. Effie continues to where her hair gold while she dresses demure all in black. Beetee and Haymitch follow. Johanna rushes to him and puts her hand in his. The oddness isn't lost upon me even in tragedy. Enobaria is wearing a black dress suit with a golden headband. Soon Gale arrives to pick us up in his military uniform. Diamond in a mid-length black dress and veil. I've been smoking like a chimney these days. I can't quite process how this happened. Everything was supposed to be okay. They won't let us fight. Too dangerous for everyone involved. We're only allowed a short private memorial for Annie in an underground bunker for fear of violence. Gale escorts us down. It's though I have to carry Katniss, like she's forgotten how to walk. She's shaking as though she'll break. When we see Annie laying there I feel a scream welling up in my throat, Katniss clings on to me sobbing. It's Enobaria who loses it.

"She didn't deserve this! She was too fragile! Fucking animals! Animals!"

We've never really seen her display any emotion. Annie's fragility invoked some sort of maternal response in her. She would always be gentle toward her, not like she was with all other humans.

"She's with Finnick now." Haymitch says.

"Yes, they can be together like they were supposed to." Johanna cries. Spike who has been allowed on the premises whines while she cries.

Warriors crushed. The effect that one dead Victor is that of devastation. We are beacons of hope we survived.

"We have to be resilient. This is what they want. They want to break us, they want to break everyone. If we're not dead then broken. We're better than that. No one can break us and we have to show them that. For everyone." I say

Haymitch nods.  
"Peeta's right." Beetee says.

Annie's body is taken back to Four where she will be buried at sea. We go back to the training facility for a dinner though no one wants to eat. I lean over to Katniss and whisper to her.

"Let's go right now." I whisper to her.

"What?"

"Elope. I want our love to be sealed. They can't stop us. We're greater than that."

"How? They won't let us out without an escort."

"I'll arrange it with Gale." She adds

"What? No! He'll torpedo it." I say. Gale is the last person who would be complicit in this.

"I'll convince him."

I believe her. Gale will do anything for her. She gets up and heads toward him, my stomach is in knots. She sits with him talking for what feels like an eternity. Looking back and forth at me. Finally, he stands up and nods, Katniss motions for me to follow.

"There's a back entrance and exit. I'll take you to the Justice Building and wait outside."

Gale led us silently through a series of corridors to a freight elevator which we used to descend to the loading entrance. Gale halted us, then trotted off returning with a car motioning for us to hop in. We covered ourselves in the backseat, my heart racing. The only thing that matters is the fact that we're getting married right now. The car finally comes to a stop behind the Justice Building. Gale escorts us out.

"I called ahead, they don't know it's you but they're expecting important citizens. The Justice of the Peace will be ready with the documents." He holds his glance on Katniss sadly. "Fourth floor use the stairs to your immediate left."

We hold hands and trot up the stairs counting the flights as we go. The only sound the tapping of our shoes on the stairs. When we finally reach the fourth floor we fling open the door, to shocked faces.

"Mr. Mellark, Miss. Everdeen!" The Justice announces. "You're here to get married."

"Yes." I reply.

"You're wearing black." A woman sitting at a desk says her face powdered, her lips blue and she has blue ivy tattooed onto her cheeks.

"We didn't have time to change." Katniss says.

"Shall we get started?"

We nod.

"The law of Panem declares that it's citizens are free to marry whomever they choose. Is this union one that is of free will?"

We both say yes.

"Peeta Mellark, you take Katniss Everdeen to be your wife, you understand it is in your duty to love her, protect her from harm, and live the rest of your days with her.?"

"Yes."

"Katniss Everdeen you take Peeta Mellark to be your husband. You understand it is in your duty to love him, protect him from harm, and live the rest of your days with him?"

"Yes."

"Then I do so with the power entrusted in me by the country of Panem and before the witnesses gathered here declare you to be joined in marriage. Congratulations, you may kiss the bride."

I gleefully take her into my arms and kiss her deeply. We sign certificates verifying the union, there's no time to linger, we have to get back to the training facility. We run as fast as we can down the stairs, to the car where Gale is waiting. Silently he drives us home. I hold my wife's hand and within a few minutes we return to the entrance we departed from. Gale ushers us inside and into the freight elevator. When we enter the room we are met with discontent.

"Where have you been?" Haymitch shouts.

"Getting married." I reply

"What?"

"Getting married. They're not taking our lives from us."

He gives me a slanted look. Go sit, we're having a meeting.

"Helmut was found dead in Seven this morning. He was stripped naked and hung from a tree. Annie's murder followed the same M.O. as what was going to happen to Katniss. The point is not just murder but humiliation."

"Missions in Eleven have been successful weeding out terrorist, however we believe the core is hidden within the vast countryside." Gale informs the group.

"Let us kill them." Enobaria says.

"Yea." Johanna agrees.

"The country needs you alive!" Plutarch hollers.

"We've never hidden. We're they're heros, we can't be afraid. We do it covert, assassinations. You know why we're called Careers?" She says, but doesn't wait for an answer. "In Two your life is devoted to the games when you reach twelve and they send you to the academy. Your mentors become your family. Everyday is learning to hunt and kill. Watching film from past games. If you're selected to volunteer as tribute you either die or come home to be a Victor, a mentor. Those who aren't selected by the time they turn eighteen become instructors or peacekeepers. Our careers are delivering death. Let me do it. I know how to get the job done."

"I agree with her. I didn't volunteer as tribute but we can't hide in fear. The public needs to know we're out there, we have their backs."

"How about this" Gale speaks up "We plant a mole in the organization. Someone from One or Two. We use this mole to gather intelligence as to where leaders of the organization are, then we send in one of you to take him out."

"That's reasonable." Plutarch says.

"I don't want to do it." Katniss speaks out. "I want to be seen, but not as a warrior, I want to visit wounded. See the interrogations. I don't want to kill."

"They'll need you for support Katniss, they'll need a sharp shooter if something goes wrong."

"I'm with Katniss. I don't want to kill either."

"The what do you want?" Plutarch says

"An interview with Caesar."

"In a secured location."

"Beetee, Haymitch?"

"My skills would best be suited for intelligence gathering purposes, unless we plan on taking out a target via bomb or some other technological means." Beetee says. "But my cooperation is full."

"I wouldn't be much good on the ground but mission planning I can do." Haymitch says.

"Enobaria and Johanna will be the designated assassins then. Peeta and Katniss can do PR, Haymitch and Beetee will work with Gale in charge of operations." Plutarch says.

My intentions regarding the interview is to be inflammatory. Lure out the terrorist, make them hungrier for my blood. Draw them out so we can snuff them out. I'm good with my words. The best asset I can provide is my eloquence, and my ability to manipulate the masses.


	26. Chapter 26

We sit at the window ledge watching sun as it dips below the jagged mountain peaks. I lay my head upon my husband's chest, he strokes my back. I close my eyes to a scene not unlike this one, in the arena, the beach where I kissed him and we were the only people in the world. I gaze up at him and he meets me with an eager kiss and it begins again the world fades into darkness and only me and Peeta exist.

"Hey honeymooners!" Johanna stands in the doorway. "Want dinner? Me and Volts are eating in our room."

I nod my head and we rise and follow Johanna to her room. Wait. She said our room. I stop her before we enter.

"What's going on with Beetee?"

"He understands me. We've been casual for a few years now but since the war we've been picking things up. He wants something steady now. I think I can do that."

I shrug I don't understand the attraction there. Beetee has nearly twenty years on her. He's logical, calculating, she's visceral. We enter her room to a cake. The rest of our troop gathered around.

"Surprise!"

Upon closer inspection the cake is actually a dessert tray.

"We jacked this for you! It's only fitting you have a wedding cake." Johanna says "But I couldn't find a cake so I swiped the dessert tray."

"Thanks so much I'm really touched." And I am. We spend our evening stuffing ourselves full of delights. Effie manages to get ahold of a kareoke machine and we sing. One by one we tire out and retire to our rooms. Peeta and I stare at each other from across the bed. I lean in and kiss him. He pulls me in close and returns my kisses. I can tell he's aching but we can't have sex yet. I reach down and stroke his member. He sighs as I do so. We continue to kiss as his hands run up my side to my breast stroking each one. I move his hand down to my clitoris and we look each other in the eyes as we manipulate one another until we come. We entwine our bodies and fall asleep. We're woken by Haymitch.

"Knocking asshole! Have you heard of it?" I yell at him.

"Breakfast. Effie has to talk to you."

Ok. We rise and put on clean clothes. We eat a breakfast of eggs and muffins.

"So, I can get you the interview, but I thought it would be a great idea if we did a wedding photo shop."

Peeta looks at me as I chew deciding whether or not to open up my relationship to Panem. It does show that life is good for us and we're otherwise unaffected.

"Do it." I say.

"Okay well we do have dresses Cinna left for you to wear. Now, the photoshoot is followed by an interview for the Capitol Magazine."

"What about Caesar?" Peeta asks.

"Tonight, live but from a secured location."

We finish our meal as my Prep Team arrives.

"Now Katniss, we're going for sexy this time."

They fill me in on the going ons of the Capitol while they work. Apparently the country has sided with current leadership, extra goods are shipped on an individual basis to Eleven and the other disadvantaged districts. They gave me long sleek black eyelashes, my eyes were lined black and gold and my lips bright red. They powdered me with body shimmer. They fashioned my hair into a sort of sloppy bufont big and teased and dressed me in a strapless flowing white gown with an open back. They left me barefoot.

"We want it to have a Twelve feeling to it."

I smiled. It's simple, and I like it that way. Effie picks out a black fitted pair of slacks for peeta which he matches with a white v-neck, and black dress coat. The photoshoot takes place in our room, with flower pedals strewn about the room. They take pictures of us laying on the bed. Sitting up holding one another. Individual pictures of Peeta looking dapper and myself laying upon the bed sexually. It's difficult because I don't feel that way. I feel plain. But they've made me appear like a vixen. We do an interview with Cressida.

"So it's finally official how do you feel?"

"We're so happy, our love is sealed and we're connected for as long as we live. There's nothing better. Katniss is a part of me which I can't live without."

"Katniss how do you feel."

"Relieved. Peeta is everything positive in the world to me." I'm surprised by my candor.

"Did the death of Annie Cresta Odair affect this decision?"  
"In a way she and Finnick inspired us. They loved one another despite all the evil they faced. Despite Finnick being used and Annie being damaged. They made a whole person. That's how I feel about our relationship. We complete one another. I don't want anything to happen to either one of us and that not be formally established." Peeta said

"Annie's death affected us in a profound way. She was killed how my attacker was going to kill me. Peeta saved me. And the whole time I was being attacked all I could think is that I was only for Peeta. He's my life."

"So has the terrorist threat caused fear within the government and Victors?"

"No. It's reminded us of who we really are. Survivors. We go on our own terms. Like Katniss said during her propos "If we burn you burn with us"." Peeta answered her.

"Wow. Powerful answer."

"Well, Katniss you look beautiful is that dress by Cinna?"

"Yes, he left me a plethra of clothing."

"I love how although you're glamorous you look so relaxed at the same time."

"It captures the spirit of Twelve. We take marriage seriously but we're truly a people that believes comfort is luxury."

The rest of the interview goes that way, softball questions. When the interview is over Peeta is whisked away to the bunker underneath the building for an interview with Caesar. I'm allowed to follow along. I'm interested in what Peeta has to say.

"Peeta! Congratulations!"  
"Thank you Caesar I'm a lucky man. Lucky man indeed"

"Very, very true. It's my understanding that you want to talk to me about more serious issues."

"I wouldn't call it that serious. I don't take these terrorist seriously. What kind of human kills an innocent woman and child? Who decides to come after Victors? It's playing with fire."

"Well, there is great concern for the Victors among the people of Panem."

"I appreciate their concern I really do. But Paylor is doing what's best for the country. We're fighters, that's what we do best, and we were in the arena twice. We know not only how to survive but to kill as well. We've all done it before. We're not scared."

"And your loved ones?"

"Well Snow took care of that didn't he?"

"Well, from me and the rest of Panem, we hope this whole terrorist business is sorted out soon."

"Thank you."

The interview ends at that point and Haymitch comes to take us back to our room.  
"Shit, Peeta they're going to be pissed."

"Good."

"Peeta, they'll come after us." I say

"Sweetheart that's the point, piss them off, make them come out of their holes and become more brazen. Then we'll have a turkey shoot on our hands."

I consider this. Peeta is a mastermind, he plays the people of Panem like puppets.

"How'd it go?" Johanna asks.

"Extremely well!" Effie tells her. Peeta sits at the dinner table and lights a cigarette, I walk down to my room. I leave voices down the hall.

"I really don't want you doing this Johanna."

"So I'm just supposed to let Gale handle it? I'm defending us. I'm defending Annie!"

"You don't understand. I've lost everyone I loved. Everyone. I can't lose you. I couldn't go on another day."

"Come 'on Volts."

"No! Part of you and me being together is we express our feelings." I hear a body slam against the wall. "When you're away from me I hurt. Almost physically, the pain I feel. I couldn't go on another moment if I lost you."

"I'm not even a real person."

"Neither am I."

"Johanna. Look at me. Stay."

The voices stop but I can hear rustling around followed by the sound of a door slamming. Then muffled moaning. Soon Peeta comes in and changes into a pair of shorts.

"Looks like they're at it again."

"Yea."

"We can't exist without each other Katniss."  
"I know."

"Not just you and me but the other Victors too. I need you more than anyone else I can't live without you. But we're a species."

A fucked up one I think. We're volatile, deadly, and broken. He's right as far as no one else could understand us. Peeta and I are deeper than that. We provide the other with what we need to survive. Maybe that's what Beetee does for Johanna. She's visceral she feels everything to an extreme, she's impulsive. He's grounded, logical. Maybe he brings her down, and she lets him see the sun every once in a while. They share a pain. They were mentors too. They watched Tributes from their districts die. They were responsible for them. That's something only they could understand.


	27. Chapter 27

In the past few weeks all hell broke loose. The dam in Seven was bombed and breached, the levees in Four also bombed, One overran with mutts leading to the discovery of Game Makers amongst their ranks. Enobaria was dispatched to assassinate one of the leaders, she bit out his throat stripped him naked hung him upside down and castrated him. This has led to a competition between her and Johanna who was also dispatched to assassinate one of the perpetrators of a bombing decapitating him and hiding his head leaving a treasure map. This leads me to where I sit now. The man who tried to kill my wife and succeeded in raping her provided a plethora of information for us. He's being removed for his military holding cell where he will stand trial. Gale asked me if I wanted to give him a piece of my mind to which I obliged. He had lost a large bit of weight. He probably couldn't eat since I knocked out his teeth, he was sleep deprived as part of the interrogation. Gale had taken a personal approach in his inquisition. The monster spits on the floor as I enter the room.

"Quite the failure huh? Would your cronies treat you any better since you botched a hit?"

He laughs. My blood begins to boil.

"I got a good deal. She's got quite tight pussy on her, sorry I had to break it in for you. The head wasn't too bad either." He begins to laugh hysterically.

I blacked out next. I'm holding a knife in my hand covered in blood, the assailant is screaming being drug out by police.

"You castrated him." Gale says patting me on the back.

I drop the knife, then I spit on the floor.

"Good."

I stand and walk to the elevator where I meet Haymitch, Gale trots up beside me. Haymitch's face contorts in horror.

"He castrated the asshole."

Haymitch smiles.

"Good boy." He says.

I'm silent as I return to the apartment. When I walk into our room Katniss stands in surprise.

"He'll never will hurt a woman again." I tell her. "He's not a man anymore either."

She wraps her arms around me and removes my bloody shirt, then takes my hands and places them on her waist. She kisses my neck up to my lips where I meet her grabbing the hair at the nape of her neck I pick her up and place her on the bed, frantically removing her clothing. As I lean over her again she frantically pulls my pants down breathing rapidly. I kiss her neck as she strokes my cock, my fingers stroking her erect nipples. I stare her in the eyes when her body tenses.

"Do you want me? Inside you?"

Tears form in the corners of her eyes.

"We can stop." I kiss her on the neck.

"I want it." She says.

I enter her slowly. "It's me baby. It's me."

She winces in pain and the sighs in relief. "Go slow." She writhes under me in both pain and pleasure.

"It's you baby, I belong to you." Tears streaming down her face. This is the first time we've made love since the rape. It's fitting. I remove the manhood of the man who tried to steal her from me, then I make love to her show her that I can make her feel good.

"This is real." I exhale.

"So real."

I stroke inside her slowly, agonizingly my body screaming at me to pump harder. I deny that request she comes around me and I stroke longer until I come inside her.

"I love you." She whispers to me.

"I love you too." I reply.

We lay there in silence naked. I realize my hands still covered in blood. I stand up and put a pair of shorts on and wash my hands. Katniss sits up in the bed bare chested, hair messy the most beautiful sight that I've seen like she just woke up. I need to paint this. There's a knock at the door. I crack it open.

"Meeting."

Katniss rises and puts her clothes. We arrive in the living room where Plutarch stands before us.

"Well, we've been quite successful at taking out our enemy. However, infighting has begun in district Two. Granite workers and former Peacekeepers have been engaging between each other. There seems to be ideological differences between the elite and the working class. We've managed to infiltrate the organization and we have discovered agents within Two who sabotaging the government. Today there was a collapse within one of the quarries. Enobaria, Lieutenant Hawthorne will brief you on your mission we've located Nero Scantalia who seems to be running thing within the inner districts. You're charged with taking him out. So be creative. That's all."

I sit back and light a cigarette.

"We should have asked what the outside world is like." Johanna says blankly.

"Here? Fake." Katniss says "It's like we're locked up in Thirteen again. I'd do anything to go to the woods, even a wooded area."

Sirens begin to blare. Gale bursts through the front door with three other men, he hands me a machete, Katniss a bow, Johanna an axe, Beetee a gun, and Enobaria a spear.

"Mutts. We've gotta go." He says.

We follow him out the door into the hallway. Katniss has an arrow drawn ready to fire, we keep our backs against the wall.

"Katniss, pull up the rear."

We immediately hear hissing, the mutts that killed Finnick. An arrow goes whizzing through our formation and a mutt falls.

Gale furiously pushes the button for the elevator. The elevator doors open and we file in. Gale hits the button for the basement level.

"There's a bunker down there."

After what seems like an eternity the doors open. A spear whizzes past my head. Enobaria took down a mutt by the door. They smelled the blood and we could hear hissing behind us.

"Follow me! Let's go."

We hustle sideways down the corridor keeping our backs to the wall. Katniss firing off arrows at mutts who scurry too close. We reach a set of heavy metal doors where Gale punches in a code. A bunker opens up to us. It's a giant metal room. Sparsely furnished.

"It appears there is a traitor somewhere in the government. It's okay we'll take care of them."

Katniss sits against a wall and buries her head in her hands. I hear the clatter of weapons hitting the floor.

"Oh God! Haymitch!"

The clicking of Effie's heels come from across the room.

"Everyone accounted for Lieutenant Hawthorne?"

"Yes."

Effie and Haymitch embrace. Johanna and Beetee sit in a corner talking. The scene is all too familiar. We're in the arena.

"This is General Graves." Gale announces

A large bald muscular man stands before us.

"You'll have to stay here until the all clear is given."

"Fuck." Johanna groans from the corner. "Anyone have cards?"

Spike barks at her.

"Yea well go shit in the corner." She tells him

"Oh my God!" cries Effie. Who then begins to cry softly to herself.

The hours pass. Johanna eventually curls into a ball for a nap. Upon awakening she begins to vomit violently. Beetee patting her on the back. Effie once again horrified.

"No! No! No!" She begins to shriek.

Beetee whispers gently to her she shoves him away.

"Goddamnit I'm late!" She yells like a wounded animal.

Beetee's face is shocked. He tries to mask a smile.

"We don't know anything for sure yet."

"No, but I'm late and sick!"

"We can handle this together." He soothes her.

"Well, doesn't this lighten the mood." Enobaria chuckles.

Katniss stares forward shocked. She leans over to whisper to me.

"It's probably best if she is pregnant. She'll have to stop being so destructive."

I nod to her. She's right. Johanna is on a suicide mission. She doesn't know how to live without the Games. A pregnancy is almost a divine intervention giving her something to live for. I think everyone else knows it as well.

A few more hours pass. Boredom sets in. We betting on each other's abilities, Katniss bets Gale on trick shots, each one trying to beat the other in archery. Enobaria and I compete standing on our hands as Haymitch and Johanna throw down money on it. Johanna wrestles Beetee and annihilates him. The phone rings, Gale picks it up.

"And the monkey chased him." He hangs up. Looks at us "We're all clear. They gave false information within the military and found the traitor."

Cautiously he opens the doors and escorts us back to our apartment.

"This facility is on lockdown until further notice, no one goes in or out without General Graves authorization." A uniformed man tells Gale as we enter the apartment which has been ransacked.

"This shit sucks." Johanna says aloud. "Poker anyone?"


	28. Part Two The Purging of Pain

Days turn into weeks. Our only contact from the outside world comes from Gale, and Plutarch. Peeta and Enobaria build a home gym using broomsticks and gallon jars filled with water. We resort to card games, Peeta finds parchment paper and we work on our book. Johanna's pregnancy scare deterred her from continuing to work as an assassin. The extra time is our worst enemy. Boredom leads to naps which leads to nightmares.

… "Hi Girl on Fire." It's Finnick

"Finnick? You're dead?" I puzzle at him. He's glowing.

"I am."

I stare at him more the light emanating from him becomes blinding and eventually explodes in my face. Time begins to move backward I coiling wire around my arrow, aiming at Finnick, searching for Peeta, Johanna attacking me, back to the where Peeta hit the force field. Except Finnick isn't there reviving him. It's Snow devouring his heart. Peeta's blood soaks my feet.

"Finnick!" I'm screaming.

"You left him there Katniss! You left him!"

I wake up sweating and screaming. I hear footsteps clamor up the stairs and fling open the door to my room.

"I'm here" He says cradling me. "It's just a dream."

"Peeta please stay with me." I sob.

"Always."

We lay in bed until the sun comes up the next day.

"It should have been me!" A arm rests upon my shoulder.

"Katniss, I'm here it's me."

"Peeta, I'm so sorry. It's should have been me they left."

"Shh… We're here now. I'm with you."

He wraps his arms around me and I press into him. Hatred wells up into my throat, into my mouth. I want to scream, I want to hurt someone, something, me to make this hate go away. I'm shaking. Peeta kisses my neck and I meet his lips with mine.

"Hurt me." I tell him.

He grips my hair and pulls. He bites down on my shoulder, my nipple. He enters me and pumps hard, causing me to gasp. He maintains his pace but wraps his arms underneath me and stares me in the face. He's crying.

"Peeta."

"I love you, that's what matters. I love you."

He throbs in me, the power of his emotions causes me to come, I'm loud in our lovemaking and I don't care. I roll on top of him and undulate as he grabs my breasts he squeezes my waist as he comes. I look down at him.

"I love you." I tell him

"Real or not real?"

"Real."

We rest for a while, when we emerge from our room Johanna whistles. Peeta gives her his middle finger. The next to scream is Beetee.

"No! No! Wireless!"

Johanna rushes to his side and stays with him. Enobaria even has violent nightmares. Hers are different her's are that of remorse. She mourns for her victims in her sleep. She calls for Brutus. It feels like fifteen minutes can't go by without one of us having an outburst. This includes while we're awake. Mostly Johanna. Everything makes her sick, and she lets us know. I'm not sure whether or not she's pregnant. Beetee eventually clears this up for us.

"She's pregnant."

"Are you happy?" Peeta asks.

"Yes. I'm not sure she is."

When the sun goes down we all are at unease. The fact that we're not busy allows the thoughts to intrude. We talk about it amongst ourselves which brings comfort.  
"I should've been like a morphling. I was off everyone's radar anyway." Johanna says.

"Yea, well the game makers could have thrown a wrench into that plan." Haymitch tells her.

"In the arena did you become numb to it? Killing people?" I asked

"I was numb to it before the arena." Enobaria says. "I expected it. It was later that I felt surprised. I didn't feel honored. I felt disgusted at myself for what I had done. I put on the mask of Enobaria to cope. I pretended like it was an honor to the tributes I sent to die."

"Were you Cato's mentor?" Peeta asks her.

"Yes." She says.

"Did you expect him to win?"

"I expected Thresh or him, yes. I didn't think either of you had what it took."  
"What's that?" I ask her.

"Thresh was angry. Cato was a brainwashed killing machine. So was Clove. Clove was like me, and built her life around it. She thought she was blood thirsty."

"There's nothing worse than watching your tributes die." Haymitch said. "Year after year. I sent them in with no skills other than being hungry. I tried so hard to get sponsors and gifts, it was fruitless. Eventually I thought I didn't care anymore."

"The tributes from my district were at a similar disadvantage. None of them had any physicality about them. They had brain. But when they ran out their use the Careers easily dispatched them. It was gut wrenching knowing you were sending them to die." Beetee told us.

Eventually we would succumb to the night. Haymitch never with the lights off. Peeta would fall asleep holding me. His nightmares were the worst, he never knew where he was or what he had done.

"No! No! I won't do that to her! No! Let me go! Katniss!" Peeta would scream. His eyes would be wild when he woke up. He looked at me in fear. "What are you?"

"Your wife. We got married. We're in love."

"Who am I?"

"You're Peeta Mellark. You double knot your boots, you make amazing cookies, you don't take sugar in your tea, and we live together in district Twelve."

"There is no district Twelve."

"Not real. The Capitol bombed it but we won the war. We're rebuilding it."

His eyes became more clear. He wrapped his arms around my waist like a child and rested his head on my lap. I sang to him, the valley song until he fell asleep.

Johanna would often scream. She would scream sometimes about being tortured. Sometimes about the arena. It would subside quickly. At least quicker than it did when she was sleeping alone. Beetee gave her the comfort she needed. The sounds of her fear leaving her at Beetee's gentle probing makes me believe they can raise a child together. They're a unit. They're strong when they're together.

We often felt like we were in the arena again. Night after night we relived it. We relived it during the day when there was nothing to do but nap.

Plutarch informs us that Romulus Thread has been captured and letting us return home is being debated.

More days pass. More nightmares. Eventually we return home. Johanna promises to visit soon. We'll be going back to the Capitol in a couple months anyway. Gale is being promoted to Brigadier General, and the Victors are receiving Peace medals. The irony is not lost upon us. They take us on hovercraft back to Twelve. Upon returning home Buttercup hisses at me. The garden is overrun by weeds. The bakery is built but unfurnished. There is lots of work to do. Haymitch remains in the Capitol for treatment so Peeta and I spread out a blanket and soak in the sun. He lays me down and gently kisses me. He's so gentle. He's so inherently good. Anger wells up at myself for using him, anger wells up with Haymitch for abandoning him. Anger. Just anger. The day is beautiful, warm, and green. I can't enjoy it I'm too angry. For no reason.

"Are you okay?" Peeta whispers to me, kissing my shoulder.

"No."

"What happened?"

"I don't deserve you. I used you. I abandoned you. I left you that night. Then I was with Gale when you were being tortured. When you said I was a whore you were right."

Peeta tenses. He squeezes his hands into fists. Tears form in the corner of his eyes.

"That's over now." He tells me. "We're here."

"Peeta you know it, I know it. I'm selfish. You don't even look at me different after that man fucked me. I'm yours and he fucked me."

"It's not your fault."

"I'm soiled."

His breathing is rapid. I stand and run. I don't know where I'm running to. I just hate. I hate everything. Especially myself. I want the pain to go away but it follows me everywhere. It follows me in my sleep. In the meadow I scream. I scream and pull my hair. Then someone comes from behind me and grabs me. Presses me into him. Peeta. Peeta. The gray world fills with sun again and I look up into his face. His eyes of blue. We meet each other in a kiss. He grabs the back of my hair and pulls me further into him. He grabs either buttock and picks me up carrying me past the meadow, the garden and into the house dropping me onto the bed. He removes his shirt and I run my hands down his strong torso. He pushes me back down on to the bed and removes my shirt, he kisses my breasts then sucks on them desperately. He releases his mouth and moves downward to my pants removing them. I hear him groan and then he kisses my cunt, he sucks on my clitoris then my opening. He slips his fingers inside me and moves back to my mouth kissing me and I can taste myself. I hear him removing my pants. He puts one arm underneath me and enters me. Thrusting deep and slow. The feeling of all of him is agonizing, I'm drunk in pleasure. He grabs me and rolls us over sitting up in the bed I grab his face as I grind on him. I begin to slip. He sucks on each nipple and my back arches without my permission. I come. He then rolls me over and fucks me. He fucks me until he comes. He crumples on top of me. Sweating. I realize during this whole encounter neither of us spoke a word to each other.

"You're mine. I'll never ever stop loving you no matter what happens. You understand? Do you feel it when I'm inside you? Do you feel that I love you?"

"Yes I confess. Yes."

I roll over and we lay in bed until the sun rises the next day.


	29. Chapter 29

We spend the next couple of weeks repairing our home, pulling weeds, and working in the bakery. Haymitch and Effie come on the weekends and provide some help. He looks stronger and stronger. Eventually it's time to return to the Capitol. Katniss and I pile into my truck and ramble to the train station where the train is waiting for us. It's only the two of us for the next few hours and we enjoy it. We eat delicacies and don't concern ourselves with manners. Katniss puts her feet on the table as she sips on lemonade. When she smiles at me the world stopped. The privacy never gets old. I never tire of her company. It never seems to last long enough. In no time at all we're in Seven picking up Johanna. She's as surly as ever, and appears to have lost weight.

"How are you Johanna?" Katniss asks.

"I'm dying. Fucking monster seed is killing me."

"I'm sorry to hear that. What are you and Beetee going to do? Like living situation."

"Well, I'm kind of a vagabond and I'd like to stay that way. Beetee with me for a few weeks, then me with him, then with you two."

"Don't you think you should stay put somewhere?"

"Well I think it's better for the baby if I don't go crazy right?"

"True. You excited to get your medal?"

Johanna laughs. "I hope I puke on stage."

Johanna retires to her sleeping compartment and once again Katniss and I rule the roost. We sit in the common room I lay my head in her lap and she braids my hair. I watch her face as she does so. Purposeful yet pensive. Drawn into weaving my locks, distant from all that is bad in the world. I stroke her face and a slight smile crosses her face. I pull her head down to me and kiss her. Breathe her in as if she were giving me life. We fall asleep where we sit as the next thing I know we're in Three picking up Beetee. I stand to greet him.

"Nice hair Peeta." He says to me.

Katniss laughs and I tossle it free of the braids.

"Where is Johanna?" He asks

"Sleeping I don't think she is well." I tell him.

He nods and sits down in the bar car and orders a drink.

"I didn't know you drank." I say to him.

"I don't normally. Johanna is quite the handful. More so now that she's pregnant. She's pushing me away."

"Hmmm. Sounds like Johanna." Katniss tells him. "Give her time. She'll come around."

Within forty minutes we're in Two where we pick up Enobaria, Gale, and Diamond. Gale's face is proud as he greets us. I give him an icy handshake unsure of where things stand between us. They all sit with us repeating the question of Johanna's wearabouts. The relationship between the living Victors has become one of a fraternity. We know how to handle one another. Enobaria challenges everyone to arm wrestling. She destroys Katniss and Beetee, but Gale and I get the better of her. Finally Gale and I face of to see who is the Victory of the Hand Wrestling Games. We lock eyes, this isn't playful. Both of us feel like we have something to prove in regards to the other. I'm amazed at how easily I defeat him. Though his reaction is quick as expected of a hunter he lacks brute strength. Cunning is his prowess. He thinks like prey. He plays down his bruised ego while I raise my hand in victory. As we pull into the Capitol the sun is going down and we see the city adorned with lights. Effie and Haymitch meet us on the platform. Effie eagerly greets us all with kisses.

"Well I suppose you know where you will be staying."

"Oh God." Johanna groans.

"Well. Instead of a Hunger Games there will be a Games of athletic skill. Showcasing the best and strongest of Panem. The contestants are mostly from One and Two but Plutarch requested for me to ask if you would like to display your chosen skill as well. Katniss in archery, Peeta in lifting, and Enobaria in pretty much anything she chooses." We nod agreeing to compete as it's something useful. "Tonight you get to rest tomorrow there will be a parade, one which mimes that of the Tribute Parade, you will ride chariots and dress in accordance with your original districts. The other chariots will be empty in memory of the fallen. After the parade is a party, then the Games including a street carnival, then the ceremony and Gale's promotion." She says all this smiling.

"So, let's go! I'm sure you are all tired and want to get your feet up!" She cheerfully says.

We ride in the cars silently. The old training facility is an omen, a black heavy weight which looms on us. When we arrive we all flop down on the assorted furniture. Johanna immediately sleeps.

"Well she's miserable." Enobaria says.

"Herbal tea's can help her. The ones my mother makes are very light I can go out tomorrow and get some for her. As well as sucking on peppermints, I can get those as well." Katniss says to Beetee.

"Thank you." He tells her.

"Well are you excited?" Effie probes.

"It's entirely unexpected but I'm more than happy to be a father. It should be an interesting child." He says to her.

"Are you two serious. As in being a family?" She noses

"We just recently decided to become monogamous. I think Johanna still wants some semblance of autonomy. It's hard for her to stay in one place, as her mind becomes convoluted when she becomes satiated in a place. We're seeing what happens."

"Oh. I see." Effie replies.

Effie is very prim. She doesn't believe in parents who aren't married, nor in sex outside of a committed relationship. Very rare in the Capitol. Luckily for all of us she withholds her judgments and sits with Haymitch. He must be a calming force for her. One by one we all go to bed.

Katniss is restless, she tosses and turns into the middle of the night. Finally I roll over and begin to stroke her skin gently.

"Relax I'm here." I whisper to her.

"Make love to me." She says.

I oblige her. I stroke her cunt and kiss her, building her up for me. I hover above her on my elbows and slide inside her. She wraps her legs around me and I grab onto the headboard for leverage as I give her long deep strokes, with each motion her breath quickens. I milk and orgasm out of her arching her back and desperately clawing pressing into me, I wrap an arm around her and hold her in place until I come. I lay her back down and wrap my arms around her, I hold back my own sleep until she drifts off.

The next morning we rise before the others. Breakfast has not yet arrived so we dress and leave for the nearest herbal store. Katniss buys fennel tea bags for Johanna as well as peppermints. Hand in hand we return to the apartment where Haymitch and Effie are drinking coffee. Katniss starts a kettle.

"Good morning Effie."

"Good morning Katniss. It's very sweet of you to be doing this for Johanna. You know we could send out for tea."

"That's okay I wanted to get the brand my mother bought."

Katniss seeps the tea and pours a cup for Johanna, along with a piece of toast and heads to her room. Wretching is audible once she opens the door. Before long the prep teams have arrived.

"Peeta you are being prepped as well today." Effie says to me with a stern look. "You and Katniss can share."

Flavius looks at me in horror.

"No shaving me." I tell him he nods slowly.

"I don't even know where to start Peeta." He tells me shaking his head.

When Katniss comes out she greets her prep team with hugs and kisses.  
"So we're going to have you in the costumes from the Quell. We both figured no use in messing with perfection."

We nod at them. They take Katniss away to be hosed down first and I sit to smoke a cigarette.

"Do you get your own chariot Haymitch?" I ask him

"Yes."

"Will you be catching fire today?"

"No. I'll be dressed as a miner. Oh memories!" He says

I catch him removing a flask from his pocket and taking a quick swig while he believes no one is watching. He's right though. The whole thing is like reliving a nightmare. The last time I caught fire I believed I was going to my death. We both did. Katniss and I were going to die for each other. Anger wells up at Haymitch as well since he double crossed the both of us. He left me to die and lied to Katniss when she begged him to save me. I try to shake the anger out of my head. I try to swallow it but it continues to rise up again. I grip hold of the arms of my chair, my cigarette burning down to my fingers, burning me. Waking me from the anger. The world begins to clear up. Johanna emerges from her room.

"I get to be a tree today!" She says clicking her heels in fake joy. "I'll be a tree for two!"

We laugh at this. The tea must have settled her stomach as Johanna appears to be in relatively good spirits. She's soaking wet they must have just got done showering her. She needs a break after getting wet because of the memories. Flavius summons me back. I'm washed and brushed. Flavius groaning and shaking his head the whole time. He paints my nails black and applies eyeliner. I feel like a buffoon. We are dressed in the oh so familiar outfits. Though Katniss, Haymitch, and myself are all dressed in previous costumes Johanna is wearing a gown with a tight brown bodice and a flannel flowing skirt. She wears black booties. They've dressed her like a lumberjack.

"At least I'm not a tree." She grumbles.

Enobaria is dressed in gold, she's adorned with a golden headband which appears to be woven of olive branches. She wears a golden gown which sweeps all the way to the ground. Luckily Beetee is thankfully not done up in lightbulbs but he looks dapper in a suit. Katniss looks sexy in her dress. Haymitch is ridiculous looking in overalls and a hard hat.

"We're late! We're late! The chariots are waiting!" Effie cries and ushers us to the all too familiar staging area.

When we arrive the horses are waiting for us. The crowd is roaring. Waiting. Katniss stares with vapid eyes at the chariot. I take her by the hand, she mounts with me. Her palms sweating as the music begins and the chariots depart. We raise our hands as we did during the first Games and ignite to the pleasure of the masses. We are on fire. In my soul I feel fulfillment. I feel belonging. This is who made me who I am. Roses are thrown at us. The crowd is mainly Capitol social elite and this is the closest they'll get to another Games and I feel ready to perform.


	30. Chapter 30

"Welcome! Welcome! To the Inaugural Panem Games! Where we will be crowning new Victors, Victors of strength, who show the solidarity of the new Panem! We must also celebrate the brave Victors of the Hunger Games who faced certain death and prevail over the oppressive Snow regime. Therefore it is with the power vested with me by the power of the people I declare the Games open!"

The crowd roars and I cling to Peeta's hand as though my life depended on it. My life does depend on it. How badly would I love to throw myself off this chariot than be reminded of those days spent in the arena. The chariot returns to the staging area and Effie joyfully greets us.

"This is so exciting! Hurry! The adoring public awaits."

We're escorted to the courtyard of the President's Mansion where delicacies are arranged on tables. Flowers and lights on strings line the walk ways. The others catch up with us.

"Quite the opening huh? They like to forget everyone wanted to kill us." Enobaria says when she sees us.

"I feel you there. Ugh. I can't stand the sight of all this food." Johanna replies.

We stay in our garb as we're greeted by the leaders of Panem and the varying districts. It's all the same they're all telling us how we're adored how loved we are by the people. I feel like Johanna I just want to puke. Peeta pulls me close to him and kisses my head. He speaks for me. He returns to his role of the likable one. He escorts me to a corner of the courtyard.

"Are you okay?"

I nod.

"This is really hard for me."

"I understand." He looks around "Come 'on"

He guides me through the corridors turning knobs for unlocked rooms. When there is none to be found we find a dark lounge area overlooking the party. He pulls me in close in the far corner. His hands feeling their way up and down my back.

"Lose yourself for a little bit." He kisses me. When I close my eyes I see the meadow by our house where we make love. I wrap my arms around his neck digging my nails into his scalp. He groans, I push myself farther into his embrace. He turns one of his palms and finds my breast massaging gently. He pulls back from me and looks me in the eyes, and I feel my hunger growing. I feel his eyes looking through me. I remove my hands from his head and pull up the skirt of my dress maintaining eye contact as I do. He wraps one arm around my waist and with the other removes himself from his pants lifts me and plants me against a wall. He swiftly enters me, and thrusts inside me hard and deep. I meet him with my hips. I throw caution to the wind and moan his name, cheering him on. I feel myself losing it, falling over the brink of feeling and ecstasy.

"Oh my God!" It's Haymitch.

"How many times do I have to see this!" He staggers.

Peeta and I freeze. We must look like deer when it knows the end is near. There are more foot steps.

"Did you find them?" It's Johanna. She stops. Laughs. "Jeezus put it away, Paylor is toasting."

I look at them with anger.

"Fuck off."

"Okay, I'll tell them you need to finish up." She walks away with her signature strut. Haymitch tumbles after her.

Peeta and I attempt to reorganize ourselves but instead resume our love making. Pressed for time the pace is rapid and I easily lose myself again and come with good timing as Peeta does too. He sets me onto the ground looking me in my eyes. We laugh. Hand in hand we walk back to the adoring crowds. We missed Paylor's toast but neither of us care. It's Effie who is up in flames.

"Where on this Earth were you? The most photographed moment of the night and you were no where to be found! Where are your manners!? You don't just walk out on a party in your honor!"

Haymitch is behind her laughing. He wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek.

"Cut them some slack baby."

Her face contorts.

"You smell like a distillery. You've been drinking! You promised!"

"Baby. Baby. You don't understand what this whole thing has been like for me."

The crowd around us goes silent. Effie laughs awkwardly.

"Oh Haymitch! You do enjoy the party." She smiles and the crowd turns away. Tears are at the corner of her eyes. "I'm going home." She says to all of us sternly.

"Haymitch you better go with her." Peeta says.

"Look kid, you should mind your own shit. I'm not the one fucking in the hallway while someone is toasting me."

"Yeah you'd miss an opportunity to drink. Go with her or I'll physically make you." Peeta says flatly.

Haymitch throws his hands in the air.

"Well excuse me sir." He turns and walks in Effie's direction.

"I want to go home too." I tell Peeta.

"We'll go but in a different car. Let's go get the others."

We make our way through the party until we find Johanna and Beetee who are openly holding hands.

"You want to get out of here?" Peeta asks them tapping Beetee on the shoulder.

"Oh fuck yes." Johanna replies.

Beetee finds Enobaria and we all pile into a waiting car and return to the apartment.

"Did anyone see Gale tonight?" I ask

"He was with the President." Beetee replies.

Ambition. I think to myself. We go to our rooms and change. Haymitch and Effie are no where to be found. We sit in the living room together.

"Notice how sloshed Haymitch was?" Johanna asks.

"Yea. He's going back to the hospital." Peeta says.

"If he lives through the weekend." Enobaria quips.

"Excuse me?"

"You know how many Victors have died because of overdose or doing stupid shit when they're loaded? It's not that I don't care, it's just what's happened."

Johanna begins dealing cards. We turn our focus to poker until we all tire. Johanna and Beetee first. Then Enobaria, and me and Peeta. Peeta falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. The stress of the day still weighs heavily on me, I don't want to disturb Peeta so I slip out of the room. I hear voices in Johanna's room. I don't want to pry but curiosity gets the best of me.

I peek through the crack and I see Johanna naked on top of Beetee.

"Do you love me."

"Yes." His hands gripping her waist. "Fuck."

"And the baby?"

"Yes God yes."

He grabs her by the throat and flips her over. Biting her shoulder hard. She giggles and pushes his face away slapping him.

"Wanna see how much? Bad girl."

"Yes."

He ties her down to the bedpost and massages her. I feel incredible guilt for watching, so I turn and walk down the to the living room. Watching television is a better option than watching Beetee and Johanna being kinky. I'm stopped in my tracks by what I see. Sitting on the couch drinking a glass of scotch is Gale. He's still wearing his uniform pants but he's removed the shirt and is in his undershirt. He sees me before I can turn away.

"You're a real piece of work you know that?"

I turn my head down.

"Sit Katniss. We're friends."

I sit on a chair opposite of him.

"You know I really love you. I really do. You think you and him are something special because you were in the arena? You realize I fed you! I taught you how to survive! You strung me along."

"Gale. I was confused I'm sorry."

"Yeah? Well you come home and act like we can be together after you fucked him on the tour! You fucked me while he was in the Capitol, and you pretended like he didn't exist. You're a whore you know that. What would've happened if Prim didn't die. Would it be you and me here?"

"No. I would have chosen Peeta."

"So you lied to me that whole time… I knew you loved him and you lied to me!"

"Gale, it's done now."

"No! Tell me the truth Mrs. Mellark. Did you ever love me."

"I thought I did. I was confused I didn't know what I felt for Peeta either. I… I know now."

"At both our expense you fucking slut. He's a maniac you know that right. He tried to kill you. He did a number on the fucker who raped you too. He acts like he's above all of this. He's not. He's not even a human anymore! And you choose him!"

"I'm not a human anymore either Gale! Peeta is my soulmate!"

He laughs loudly.

"That's rich Ms. I'm never getting married."

Our argument roused Peeta who is now standing behind me.

"What's happening."

"Oh look! The fated boy has come to join our conversation. You fucked her on the train right? Did you fuck her when she broke her heel tell me the truth."

"Yes."

"I was fucking her then too. I was fucking her while they were fucking in your head. She had comfort when you didn't. Is that fair."

I can feel Peeta's rage growing. He's staring a hole into the floor.

"Gale you're drunk."

"Fuck. I'm going to be President one day. And this bitch chooses you. A baker."

"Don't call my wife that."

"Ouch. Show her who you really are. Remember how you castrated that guy, like it was nothing you would've killed him too. I watched you snap a dudes neck on T.V." He spits on the floor.

"Get. The. Fuck. Out." Peeta is shaking.

The commotion has awakened Enobaria as well.

"I killed people on T.V. too. Ripped a guys throat out. Wanna try me too big guy?"

"Oh my God you all think you're special because you survived the Hunger Games. You're a fraternity of mental patients! All of you. Mutts!"

Enobaria storms across the room and wraps her arms around Gale's neck into a full nelson. When he loses consciousness she lets go.

"He can sleep this off. None of this happened. Go to bed." She says

Peeta is stoic. His muscles convulsing. He's fighting within himself. I stand in front of him.

"Peeta. Not real."

Tears flow down his cheeks.

"What is?" He whispered.

"You're a baker, my husband, my soul mate, you make love to me so I can fall asleep, you feed my worthless cat scraps from the table, you love me."

He trembles. I grab his wrists hard and look at his eyes, his pupils dilated to the point they look black.

"Stay with me."

His breath is short, he labors to slow it. He turns his eyes into mine.

"Always."

I keep my hands on his wrists and guide him to the bedroom. He sits at the edge of the bed. I undress in front of him, his eyes focused on me. I straddle him and place a hand on my left breast so he can feel my heart beating.

"Real."

He grips it firmly. His breathing slows. I kiss his lips which slowly react meeting mine. I remove his shirt moving my hands up his chest rubbing the hair on his chest. He takes his strong hands and grips my waist.

"Real."

He kisses my chest then each breast individually.

"Real."

He rolls me over hovering above me looking down on me. I move my hand to his cock which is growing erect and stroke it. His eyes don't move from mine.

"Do you want me?" I ask him.

"More than anything." He tells me.

"Take me then."

And he does. He starts off slowly burying his face into the bed and he strokes inside me. Then he grips my hair and quickens as he scans over all of me. I roll over and rock myself on him, he sits up holding me close and sucking my breasts making me come. We repeat this over and over coming over and over until the sun comes up.


	31. Chapter 31

"Are you okay?" She asks me.

"Gale's hurting like the rest of us. I understand."

The fact is to an extent I'm okay. It hurts however, the dagger sharp words. The reminder that Katniss hasn't always been mine. I rise and shower We all have to swallow our pain today and perform for the cameras. All of us. A uniform not unlike the ones we wore to the training center is laid out for us. 12 stitched to the sleeves. Katniss wears her hair in her signature braid. She looks at me timidly.

"Ready to face the day?"

I pull her into me and breathe her in. Hand in hand we walk to the dining room for breakfast. Effie looks up at us and smiles. Haymitch obviously hungover.

"Big day! You've been entered into your prospective events. Archery is first this morning! Peeta will be last. Enobaria is competing in track events."

Gale sits at the end of the table. Hungover as well. He makes no acknowledgement to me or Katniss. Johanna plops down beside Beetee.

"You seem to be feeling alright." Effie says brightly.

"Yeah, surprisingly I'm not barfing my brains out." She grabs a piece of toast. Beetee and Johanna are also dressed in their prospective uniforms although they are not competing. The tension is palpable. Johanna and Beetee seem to be oblivious of the goings on of the night before. Effie won't look at Haymitch would looks at her with sadness in his eyes. Katniss pokes at her food. I pretend that I don't feel the heaviness and eat a hearty breakfast. Effie takes us down to the car. The fairgrounds are full of hustle and bustle when we arrive. There are men on stilts, sword swallower, and fire breathers entertaining the throngs of guests. Effie shuffles us through the crowd to the archery competition. A man greets us.

"Katniss Everdeen! So happy you could join us! We're all excited to see you shoot! Good luck!"

The man turns to me.

"Lucky man. It's exciting to see this display of skill rather than young people murdering one another yes?"

"Very much."

"I put this together. Excuse my manners." He holds the "S". "I'm Julius Goldenstern. I organized this event. The people need entertainment after the horror of the war. Why not a show of strength and solidarity. Not vengeance."

"I couldn't agree more." I tell him

He escorts me to a VIP seating area where I watch Katniss and the other competitors. Archery provides more diversity than most the events there is a competitor from Twelve, and Eleven. The rest are from Two. The competition is close with the athletes from Two learning to shoot from a small age. No one really touches Katniss's skill a bow. She's fluid, tranquil, she's not confused or angry when she's shooting but rather purposeful. Katniss wins the competition and I run up to her to hug her.

"Very nice."

She kisses my lips.

"It was fun."

"We have time to kill do you want to go check out the carnival?"

We walk along the grounds tasting delicacies from all the districts. We watch performers, and ride the rides. Soon Effie has tracked me down to take me to an outdoor arena for the strength competition. I am the only competitor not from Two in this competition. I don't really care however, as I'm here to have fun. Katniss sits in the front row with Effie and Johanna.

The competition consists of throwing metal balls of varying weight, the competitor who throws an average of each weight the farthest wins. One by one we move on to the platform where we are to throw. When I'm actually up here I feel a bit of competitiveness. I look down at the ball and grab the handle, with a spinning start I throw the ball to the end of the measuring field. With each weight the effort increases and I strive to place my throw on that same spot each time. It feels quite good. I feel accomplished although I prefer not to use my braun as a measure of myself as a whole. I'm shocked when I win the competition. Katniss runs to me and throws her arms around me. My arms are like jelly and I clumsily embrace her. The sun is beginning to set when the competition is over.

"Let's go back to the apartment. I want some alone time."

I shake my head and we find a waiting taxi to takes us back to the apartment.

All is quiet when we arrive. There are no attendants no other occupants. Just me and Katniss. I take it all in. The time we spend alone is never enough and I try to engage my full consciousness in every moment of it. Katniss stands ten feet in front of me and disrobes. I feel a stirring within myself. She looks hungry. She sits me down on an armchair and straddles me.

"I need you Peeta."

I wrap my hands around her waist gripping her firmly.

"I need you too."

I take her by the nape of the neck and kiss her, her hand stroking my growing cock as I do. I move my hands about her body, feeling the supple softness. I kiss her neck, her chest tasting the sweetness that is her. She removes my shirt and strokes my chest with one hand. I take one hand and find her opening slipping two fingers inside. I begin to stroke her in sync with the rhythm she is stroking me. Audibly she sighs.

"I want to be in you." I whisper in her ear.

She removes me from my pants and lowers herself onto my swollen member throbbing. She undulates on top of me, I feel her warm wetness around me, and lose myself to the back of my mind. The carnal instincts take over and I grab her buttocks and stand picking her up and slamming her against a wall. She gasps. I fuck her there, as she pants and moans, I feel myself building. I feel her walls begin to close on me. I take her again and find the bed.

"No, No, Peeta." She writhes

"Not yet. You're not going to come until I do."

She submits, putting her legs on my shoulders I thrust deeply inside her. The pleasure unbearable. I feel her closing around me again and allow it, as I feel all my muscles tensing I throw my head back and come as she screams my name.

I take a moment and look down at her. A faint smile on her face, her skin dewy with sweat. I kiss her forehead and lay beside her. As I do the phone rings.

"For fucks sake." Katniss rises and answers the phone.

"We went home."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well tell him we'd love that. Yes. See you soon."

She hangs up the receiver.

"Julius Goldstern wants us to dinner the day after tomorrow. Effie is pissed that we left."

"Okay." I tell her. and she lays back down beside me in my arms as we drift to sleep.

"Peeta! Peeta!" It's my mother. A rolling pin cocked in her hand. "You little shit look at the mess you made!" She then takes the rolling pin and hits me across my head with it. "Look!" I look down and I see Katniss, naked her throat slit her blood seeping through my shoes, soaking my socks, my toes.

"Clean it up!" Mother yells.

I kneel to clean the blood when Katniss's hand grabs me.

"Help me."

Startled I look into her gray eyes. Her hungry gray eyes.

"Tell me what to do."

"Please" She implores.

I grab her by her shoulders completely submerged in her blood.

"Stay with me." She screams.

Someone is pulling at my shoulders. Snow is pulling at my shoulders, ripping her from me. I fight him, but he's pulling me farther and farther away. Her voice screaming for me.

I wake screaming, knuckles bleeding. Katniss on the floor.

"Peeta! Not real."

I look around me attempting to catch my breath. There is a hole in the wall, Katniss sitting on the floor a handprint on her shoulder.

"Did I hurt you?" I ask her.

"You didn't know what you were doing."

"I hurt you." I say with anger in my voice. In fact I am losing myself to the anger. Ready to succumb to it, the black rage that wells up inside me. I punch the wall again even harder this time, my knuckles cracking.

"Fuck! Why didn't you people just let me die. Look at what I did!"

My mother stands in the corner.

"Clean the goddamn mess up!" She yells at me.

I'm not sure if I'm awake. Katniss grabs my shoulders. She's shaking me. She slaps me across my face.

"Not real." She says flatly. "I'm real." She then wraps my arms around her. The blackness begins to subside and my mother departs the room. I feel her in my arms clearly. Soft and supple. I kiss her shoulder and I can taste her. Sweet. I then bury my head into her neck and weep. Apologizing profusely.

"It's okay. Not real."

I hear footsteps in the doorway.

"I told you. He'll hurt you." It's Gales voice.

I turn to face it. The rage welling up again. But at myself. He stares at me contented. I'm not even sure he's really there not until Katniss tells him.

"Fuck off Gale. This isn't about you."

"No, but would I have done that to you?" He motions to the mark on her arm.

"You've done worse." She says to him flatly. "You killed Prim."


	32. Chapter 32

"Katniss, I didn't know."

"You designed the fucked up weapon. Now leave."

He slumps over in the doorway and walks away. I turn and look at Peeta, his eyes red with worry. I understand him. The nightmares can seem so real. It can be confusing as to what is a nightmare and what isn't.

"I'm okay Peeta." I tell him.

"I'm so sorry Katniss. I never want to hurt you."

I touch his face gently.

"I understand."

I lay back down on the bed and he lays down with me. We stare at one another for a while. I examine his face, as though chiseled by a master craftsman. His blue eyes glow. He's too good. The Capitol could never corrupt him. They tried so hard and in the end Peeta's inherent goodness prevailed. We should never come here. I think to myself. Things always go awry for all of us. I long to be home in Twelve where Peeta and I can have a home to ourselves. To work on what makes us fulfilled. To help others be fulfilled. That doesn't exist in the Capitol. It is all superficial. Nothing here is real. Eventually I drift off to sleep. I wake to the scent of breakfast. I slip on one of Peeta's shirts and rise. He's sleeping peacefully and I don't wake him. I don't want to disturb his slumber. I reach the dining room where Effie sits at the table with Gale and Beetee. Not my favorite company.

"Where's Haymitch?" I ask

"At my house. He's chosen to sleep."

"You left him alone."

She puts down her fork and looks at me.

"Young lady he's a grown man and he can make his own decisions. He makes the wrong ones he'll have to deal with the consequences on his own. He has a choice. Me or drink."

She says this sternly. Ignoring the presence of Beetee and Gale. She snaps to and laughs.

"Ceremony tonight! Are you all excited!"

"Very much so." Gale replied.

"I'm very happy for you Gale." Beetee tells him. Gale nods.

"Gale you've made a lot out of yourself. The future is bright for you. I'm assuming there are political aspirations. You've chosen a great partner in that arena. Diamond is very charming." Effie says to him.

"Why thank you Effie. I quite agree."

"I'm gonna vomit in my mouth." I say this outloud. Unintentionally of course. I try to pull it back in but the damage has been done.

"Manners!" Effie scolds.

"It's okay. Katniss is expressing her opinion. She wants the best for the people and at the same time she has a hard time stomaching what is necessary to accomplish that." Gale says.

"Cheeky, cheeky." I reply to him

"Who's cheeky?" Johanna says sitting next to Beetee.

"Me." Gale tells her.

"Oh. I'd have to agree. You're not one for niceties anymore." She says.

Gale stands and takes his plate to the kitchen.

"I have to get going lots of things to do today." He says as he departs. When the door closes Johanna laughs.

"He even sounds like one of them now!" She bursts out.

"Like one of whom?" Effie asks

"Like you Effie. All important and shit. Jeezuz taking himself waaaay to seriously." She says. Effie wriggles in her seat.

"That's what happens to ambitious people. They always sell out." Johanna says. "Good thing we're not ambitious. Just mental patients."

"Here, here!" I say raising my glass of orange juice.

"The man is making a difference." Beetee says. "He's really helped establish stability among the districts. There's talk of him being governor of Two. He really does good work."

"And he still has become a dick. Both things are true." Johanna says. "Self important. Where's Peeta?"

"Rough night." I tell her.

I arrange a plate for him and cover it. I return to our room to check on him. There is blood all over the sheets. His right hand ballooned. In the chaos of last night I didn't notice the extent of damage Peeta did to himself. He's obviously broken his hand. I sit on the bed and gently shake him awake. His face contorts in pain.

"Goddamnit my hand." He immediately says.

"I think you've broken it." I tell him. "Let's get some ice and take you to the doctor."

He nods to me. I help him dress himself. I change the nylon around his stump and clean it he doesn't take good enough care of it. Often forgetting to apply ointment to keep his skin from getting raw. I apply his leg and make an icepack for him.

"Peeta and I will be back later." I tell Effie as I usher him out the door. I don't want questions from anyone right now. I hail a taxi which takes us to the hospital. We check in at the urgent care.

"Peeta Mellark! Sir, we'll see you right away!" The attendant chimes.

We're taken back into the triage area, his weight is taken, his vitals are checked and other than an obviously broken hand he's deemed fit. A tall doctor comes in to see him.

"Mrs. Mellark. Mr Mellark. What seems to be the problem."

I interrupt before Peeta can answer. "His leg gave out on him and he fell."

The doctor knows I'm lying. "And he landed on his hand?"

"Yes."

He makes a face and relents. "Okay."

He examines Peeta's hand carefully. He orders x-rays which show that he's fractured three bones of his knuckles. He needs surgical repair. The doctor leaves the room.

"Katniss. I really don't want to do the whole surgery thing."

"Peeta it's what's best. Bakers need to use their hands." I giggle.

"I don't want the anesthesia." He tells me.

I understand what he's saying to me. Sleep equals nightmares. He's hesitant.

"I'll be here the whole time. I'm not leaving." I tell him.

I call the apartment and tell Effie what the situations is. She's hysterical as expected. The nurse gives Peeta morphling for the pain. He seems to relax a great deal, he strokes my hand and kisses it as he lays his head upon it. Johanna and Beetee come.

"What happened?" Johanna asks.

"Punched the wall." I tell her.

"Ooooh. Those nightmares can be a bitch." She says. She's not being sarcastic either. "I'm jealous. They gave him morphling."

I laugh thinking of the girl with the shaved head syphoning off my supply. She sits in a chair next to me.

"He doesn't want the surgery. He doesn't want to sleep." I tell them.

"Understandable. Hey! What if he freaks out and kills someone." She says.

"Not funny." I scold her.

"I know. I'm just trying to make light of the situation."

We sit in silence for a while. The operating nurse comes to take him back to the O.R.. I feel myself begin to shake. I know Peeta is going to be okay. I know this is a simple procedure. I'll just be without him for a while. He'll be forced to sleep and face the nightmares. I'll have face my own without him there. He'll be out of it and I'll be alone. I feel abandoned and selfish all at once. Tears flood my eyes. Johanna pats me on the back.

"He'll be alright." She tells me.

"Will you stay with me?" I ask her and Beetee. They nod and sit with me.

"I guess you'll be missing the dinner?" She asks this time sarcastic.

"Oh, I don't think Effie will allow that." I tell her. She casts her eyes down because she knows what I know. That I'm going to have to go. Without Peeta. Alone. The rage boils up again. I'm angry he broke his hand. I'm angry I'll be alone. I'm angry at my anger.

I meet Peeta in recovery after about ninety minutes. Groggy from the drugs he looks up at me.

"Hi beautiful hungry girl."

"Hi how do you feel?"

"Sleepy."

"Did you have good dreams?"

"Only of you." He tells me.

I smile. Relieved that he wasn't helplessly reliving nightmares. His hand is casted. The doctor walks in.

"He did great. We'll watch him for an hour then we'll let him go home. Make sure he keeps it raised and bring him back tomorrow to get it recasted"

I breathe a sigh of relief. He'll be sleeping with me tonight in our bed. Still I'll be alone at the ceremony. He's released and Effie comes to pick us up.

"Well it appears Peeta won't be attending tonight. I expect you there Katniss."

I nod to her. Haymitch and Beetee help Peeta out of the car and into the apartment where we lay him in bed. I have no time to rest with him as my prep team is ready for me. They once again give me sleek fingerwaves, and put me in a bodice with wide legged pants. I'm ushered away by Effie before I can say goodbye.

"We're late! We're late!"

The hold ride to the venue my palms sweat. I'm not good at these things. Not without Peeta, the likable one. We arrive to a gala in full swing. I'm paraded to the front of the ballroom to the table of honor where I'm seated next to Gale. He looks up at me.

"Where's Peeta?" He asks

"He broke his hand."

"Too bad. You'll have to take his medal for him then" Gale replies matter of fact.

Johanna leans over and nudges me. The dress she's wearing is long and glowing covering the small bump beginning to form.

"Breathe." She tells me.

I smile and exhale. Johanna is here. Johanna is my sister. Individuals come and go by the table, telling us how great we look. How happy they are for all of us. Then a face comes I recognize. I recognize him because I shot an arrow near his head. Claudius Templesmith. My jaw drops when I see him. My stomach churns and I feel I may vomit. My head spins and I am swimming in angst. He shakes Gale's hand congratulating him on his rise through the ranks. I slam my fists on the table.

"Don't shake his hand." I snap at Gale.

"Why is a gamemaker here?" I ask aloud to no one, anyone. He's here though he doesn't deserve to be.

"He was complicit in the rebellion." Plutarch says from behind him.

"He still took part in killing young people. Get. Him. Away. From. Me." I spit out.

Johanna stands.

"She's right. Are you trying to torture us?"

The crowd around us is growing silent. Effie hustles to Claudius.

"Oh Claudius! Come I must show you the ice sculptures over here. They're lovely!"

I crack a smile at the fact that it was Effie who saved the day. Johanna takes her seat. I sit and stare at my plate. Wanting so badly to be back with Peeta. To be caring for him, as he needs me. Waiting. Paylor takes the podium and makes a speech about bravery or something to that extent. I have no interest. I want to go home. I concentrate on my plate. Examine the white porcelain and gold rimming.

"Katniss Everdeen!"

I hear Paylors muffled voice. There's applause.

"The Mockingjay. Katniss Everdeen will also be receiving Peeta Mellark's medal as he is recuperating from a broken hand."

More applause. It's not registering what's going on. Rather I just see Claudius's face and want to smash it. Johanna nudges me.

"Go get your medal."

I stand and turn walk step by step, step by step to the podium. Paylor presents golden medals inscribed with the seal of Panem. She thanks me for what I have done for my country. I turn and walk away. Past the table, past the audience, past the doors, out onto the sidewalk.

I lay in bed next to Peeta. Fully clothed. I don't know where I've been or what I've done. I sit up. He's sleeping peacefully. I look at my clothes and the bed around me. There's a shattered glass, and blood. I cut my arms. I must have I don't remember doing it. I must have though. I wonder what else could have happened. If they know they'll send me to the hospital I think quickly grabbing the shards of glass and discarding them in the trash can. I change from my formal wear into a long sleeved shirt and sweatpants after washing my arms. . I can head the voices of the others in the living room. It must not be that late. I hear Peeta stirring in the bed.

"Katniss?" Peeta calls dreamily.

"Yes babe?"

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes. Fine." I lie to him. I lie to him like I've been lied to by everyone, to protect me. To protect him.


	33. Chapter 33

I wake later in the morning. My hand throbbing. Luckily the morphling had lulled me into a pleasant slumber. Filled with Katniss. I get up and go to the living room. The entirety of our group is there.

"Morning sunshine!" Calls Johanna.

"Morning."

"How you feeling?" Haymitch asks.

"Awful." I tell him.

Katniss stands and hugs me. It's the middle of summer yet she wears a sweatshirt. Suspicious. She's hiding something from me. Maybe she's hiding the bruise I left on her arm the other night. I kiss the top of her head and stroke her back. She goes to the fridge and retrieves breakfast she saved for me. My appetite has been greatly diminished from all the drugs but I attempt to eat is as she made such an effort.

"Will you be attending dinner tonight? It's only going to be an intimate affair." Effie asks

"Yes." I reply.

"How was last night?" I ask the others.

"Pretty good. Claudius Templesmith was there. Katniss made a scene. The food was amazing. Paylor gave a corny speech the usual." Enobaria tells me.

"Claudius Templesmith was there?" I question "Shouldn't he be interned?"

"Apparently he was complicit to the rebellion." Johanna says.

Anger boils. Claudius Templesmith, as much of a sadist as any of them. He was an instrumental part of the games. We let Caesar Flickerman slide and keep his job. But Claudius is different. I turn my gaze to Katniss who sits silently staring into a corner. She hasn't spoken a word. As the others go about chatting I watch her as she slips away and down the hall.

"Peeta, I'm taking you to the doctor to get your hand recasted." Beetee tells me.

I haven't anytime to follow Katniss, I'm afraid of what effect the interaction with Claudius has had on her. Beetee and I walk down into a waiting car.

"What happened last night?" I ask him.

"Katniss refused to shake Claudius's hand and became agitated by the fact he hadn't been punished for his part in the Hunger Games. She walked out after receiving her medal. Johanna tried to follow her but wasn't able to keep up."

"Oh. She didn't hurt herself did she?" I ask him.

"Not that I know of."

We arrive at the hospital where the staff once again eagerly greets me and ushers me back to an exam room. The doctor comes and recasts my hand.

"Six weeks of this. Then you'll have to have physical therapy." He tells me.

"Can this be done in Twelve?"

"There are travelling nurses who can come for the physical therapy but you'll have to come back here to get your cast off."

"I don't think that's a good idea. Send a doctor to Twelve."

"That's not within my authority."

"I'm not interrupting my life to come back here and be retraumatized or ask Katniss to come with me." I realize how much anger is in my voice when I say this. The effect of Claudius is upon me as well. The effect on his appearance on Katniss and the fear for her wellbeing is building. Coming to the Capitol never goes well. Monuments of our trauma exist everywhere. Down the street from the hospital is where I lost Katniss during the battle. Where Katniss lost Prim. The air there is heavy, no good ever came upon me here. Katniss and I came here to die twice. The effect of this upon us is profound in ways that pass understanding.

"Then you'll have to handle that with the hospital." He replies stunned by my persistence if not obstenence.

"Fine." I tell him. "Can I leave?"

He nods. I head out the door to a waiting Beetee. We can't return fast enough to the apartment. It seems like an hour before I'm at the door. The others are sitting in the living room watching television. Katniss is not with them. I walk back to our bedroom. She's not in bed. I open the bathroom. Empty as well. Except for shards of glass in the trash can.

"Katniss?"

No reply.

I turn my attention to the closet. I grab hold the door knob. The door is locked.

"Shit." I pound on the door. "Katniss open the goddamn door or I'll break it down."

"Peeta. Give me space."

"You've had space." I tell her. She can't do this. She doesn't know how she hurts me when she does this. "Katniss, this is ridiculous. Open up."

Nothing.

I lower my shoulder and ram it into the door bursting it open. Katniss sits underneath a rack of clothes. Knees hugged tightly to her chest. Tears streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry." she tells me.

"Sorry?"

"I let you down. I let myself down." Tears fill her eyes. "Peeta I don't want to be here!" She cries.

I pull her into me, she rests her head on my shoulder as she did that day in the garden.

"Peeta. I hurt myself and I don't remember doing it. One moment I was at the dinner, then I was in bed with you. I tried to hide it. I didn't want to go to the hospital."

I understand. Claudius, this place it does a number on us. I grab her shoulders.

"Katniss we can't come back here."

She nods.

"I don't know what I would've done had I seen Claudius. I'm happy it's not worse."

I grab her and kiss her. Madly wildly. We furiously rip at the others clothing. We direct our frustrations to consummation. I fondle her breasts and suck her nipples as though I'm dying. Biting at them. Both of us groaning. She's clawing my back. I grab her throat and pull her in again to kiss me. She straddle me and guides me inside her. In that closet we fuck. There's nothing tender about it. We devour one another. She grinds on top of me, and a cry escapes my lips.

"Fuck."

She works herself harder. Panting. I wrap my good arm around her and suck her nipples once again. More turned on than I've ever been. I take her off me. Turning her on her knees pushing her against the wall of the closet. I penetrate her from behind. Biting the back of her neck as I fuck her. With my fingers I stroke her clit furiously. Milking her.

"Say my name."

"Peeta." She whispers.

I fuck her harder. I feel her tensing her back arching. I'm no longer human but beast. I sink my teeth once again on the back of her shoulder. The wetness grows, her back arches.

"Scream, do it. let it out."

She complies. Desperately clawing the wall as she comes.

"Good I tell her."

"Come inside me." She whispers.

I withdraw from her. Turn her around to face me standing still against the wall. I pick her up with both arms, pain streaming up my arm. I ignore it. My desires must be fulfilled. I fuck her against the wall until I come. Letting out a loud moan. Guttural like an animal. I set her feet once again on the wall, and rest my head against it. Both of us desperate to catch my breath. Guilt wells up inside me. I don't want to treat her like that. She's not a vessel for me to play out my perversion upon. She's part of me.

"I'm sorry." I tell her.

"Why?"

"I don't want to be too rough with you. I don't want to make you feel dirty."

"Did you need it?" She asks.

"Badly. What about you?"

"Worse than you know. I feel alive again. I'm back in the real world now."

We laugh. I hold her close to me and kiss her neck.

"I love you." I tell her.

There's a knocking on the door.

"Katniss. We need to get ready for the dinner." It's Effie.

We laugh hysterically.

"Entertainment before dinner."

We gather ourselves and shower. Dress and meet the others in the living room. Who stare at us. Johanna and Haymitch with shit eating grins.

"Well done my man." Haymitch says. To Effie's disgust.


	34. Chapter 34

"Come on Effie. It's not like you and Haymitch don't get down and nasty." Johanna says.

If Effie weren't heavily made up her face would be red.

"That isn't your business!" She snaps

"It's always the prudes who are the freaks. Eh, Haymitch."

We don't contain our laughter. Johanna high fives Haymitch.

"Let's go we're running late."

"Jeezus it's just a dinner at the guys house. Do you have to be prompt all the time?" Johanna quips.

Effie huffs.

We all file out and walk to our car. Johanna continues to tease Effie. The pastime of our group. She's able to clean herself up nicely. She's stylish in a pair of black skinny slacks and a racerback white blouse. I reuse my pants from the night before and and pair it with a crop top and sweater. We arrive at Goldstern's home which is less than humble. The driveway is grand rolling out before us like a tongue flapping from a mouth. Grand stairs lead the way to wide white front doors. Gargoyles stare down at us from atop the roof. He eagerly meets us at the top of the stairs.

"Oh! I'm so glad you came! Peeta! I heard about your injury. I'm glad you've come."

He ushers us in. Portraits line the walls. Pictures of himself with Victors, the last Finnick O'dair. I grasp a hold of Peeta. Grounding myself firmly. He takes us into the dining room.

"How did you get all this?" Johanna asks motioning around the room with her fork.

"I played a role organizing the games." He said plainly.

"What?" Johanna replies.

"My father was a head game maker. I had the misfortune of being born with morality. I saw the games for what they were. I attempted sabotage on many occasions with Plutarch Heavensbee. Not until Katniss pulled out those berries did we decide to destroy the arenas, to launch rebellion. Katniss gave us courage."

I felt myself losing grip on reality. My life has become entrenched in those moments. Something I did to survive construed otherwise. An unwilling hero."

"...I'd like to thank all of you for what you've done. Although I realize that this may be unwilling." Goldstern continues.

The night unfolds, as the reliving of the nightmare. How I inspired a nation to rebel, although I was only trying to survive. Touted as a hero though I am far from being one. It wasn't me who inspired them but Rue. The little girl who remained pure throughout the Games that demanded the ugliness within us all. She contained none. She died pure, decorated with flowers. Innocent, the personification of the evil that the Games were.

"I want Rue to have a holiday in her memory, a memorial. She's the one who inspired us all not me."

The room goes silent.

"If it weren't for her I wouldn't have had the chance to threaten suicide."

"I can lobby for that." He answers.

"Promise me. I don't want the world to forget her." I tell him.

"It will be done."

The dinner carries on with cackling joking. I could care less. I look around me, at the excess the gaudy exterior that leads to nowhere around me. It makes me choke. I want nothing more to go home to Twelve. To go to the woods, to lay in my bed with Peeta. Where are home smells like a home. Where I feel like a human. Not a false idol. Peeta announces his discomfort due to his injury and excuses us from the dinner. Returning to the apartment.

"We're never coming back here Katniss." He tells me. "It's them who owe us not the other way around."

I nod at him.

"This whole thing is a reminder of what they put us through it's sick."

"That man wouldn't survive a minute in our shoes." I tell him

He gathers me into his arms and kisses me. There's a knock on the door.

"Wait here." He tells me.

He opens the door and Gale forces his way through.

"How did you know we were here?" Peeta asks.

"I work for the military. I know where you are all the time." He says.

"What do you want?" I say to him.

He looks at me sadly. His eyes like that of a guilty dog.

"I can't live with you hating me."

"Gale…"

"No false apologies we owe each other that. Everything is false right now. You and him, you and me. I don't know what anything means to you. Did I ever mean anything to you?"

"Yes." I tell him.

"Don't lie."

"Not the way you wanted. I tried to feel the same."

"I asked you so many times if you loved him." He continues.

"I didn't know I did."

He looks at Peeta.

"You should feel betrayed more than anyone."

"There's no point to that." Peeta replies.

"You followed her like a puppy and she strung you along."

"Same goes for you." Peeta retorts.

Gale laughs.

"I can't look at you without thinking you're a whore." He says to me.

"I can't look at you without thinking you're a murderer." I tell him.

"Then we're the same."

I think about that and to some extent he's right. We slighted each other.

"The difference is I didn't mean for my weapons to kill Prim. You meant to fuck him."

"Gale. We weren't together."

"You promised me nothing would happen. Then you lied and told me nothing did. You used us both."

"You had no regard for life. You turned into a monster." I tell him.

"Stop defending yourself!" Gale shouts. "Admit to it. That you lied to me!"

"I lied to both of you! I'm a whore! I used you for what I wanted! Is that what you want me to say?"

"Just tell me the fucking truth."

"I have a million times. I was a confused girl. I loved Peeta. I fell in love with him before the first games began. I never meant to hurt you."

"You hurt someone no matter what you did." Gale says coldly. "You prolonged the agony."

"Yes. I did." I tell him.

Gale stands inches from my face. I feel his breath. I smell him. He's cornering me. Smothering me. He puts a hand on my shoulder. Peeta runs up to him and Gale turns hearing him coming giving him a hook across the jaw Peeta falls. Gale turns to me again and forces me against the wall.

"You know how much you've made me hurt. How I live with the fact you hate me constantly on my mind. It's eating me alive."

I'm frightened. He moves his hand up to my throat pinning me. He kisses me. I can't pull away.

"I'm in pain Katniss. Isn't this what you do?" He bangs his head on the wall behind me. "Pacify me!"

"Gale." I whimper. "I know you didn't mean to kill Prim. What happened to you? This isn't you Gale."

He holds my face and trains his gaze into my eyes.

"You broke my heart."

"You broke mine." I tell him. "We're even. Let me go."

"No. After all I did. I saved your fucking family! Then you discard me like trash! For him!"

He continues to stare into my eyes. He presses himself against me. I feel his erection pressing into my stomach.

"See how I still love you? I can't control with that. I have to live with that. I need you to too." He whispers in my ear.

His hand meanders between my legs.  
"I had you first."

I nod. Hoping this concession will stop him. I hear a grunt and a thud. Peeta has taken Gale to the ground. He's strangling him.

"Peeta stop!" I scream at him. His eyes are wild with hate. He relinquishes his grip on Gale.

"Can you live with the hate?" He asks. "Knowing I hate you too."

He spits on the ground. He's lost his mind. He can't stand not having me. Viewing me as a possession rather than a human with free will. He needs to punish me. He needs to punish himself. That's something I can't give him.

"Can you live knowing I forgive you?" I ask him back.

Tears shroud his seam eyes and he drops into a heap sobbing.

"Just come back to me." He pleads his face buried in his hands.

"No." I tell him.

He shudders in despair.

"But I forgive you."

He sits cross legged on the ground.

"Move on Gale. You're a hero now. Panem needs you. Need Panem back. That's your lover now."

This seems to give him resolve. I don't know if it's exactly what he's looking for. He stands and pats my shoulder. Looking like Gale again. Not the sadness monster he had become, but strong resolute Gale.

"Thank you." he tells me.

Then he leaves. He leaves for the last time. I know that I'll never see him again. I think of Rue, the small girl from Eleven who was at home in the trees. That girl who never lost her innocence who no one could take for a whore. That girl so much better than me. That girl I couldn't save. That girl who still lives in me. Peeta looks up at me panting. He gathers me into his arms. The only thing that feels real.

"I'm sorry. I know he meant a lot to you." He whispers to me.

"He's hurting." I reply.

Peeta kisses my neck.

"No excuse for hurting you." He says looking me in the eye.

"He's lost. He'll find his way." I say this despite the fact that my heart is bleeding for him. My oldest friend. "I don't want to talk about it any more than that. We're going home tomorrow. We're going back to the real world, not the toxic cess pool this place is. It sucks the sanity out of us all. You, me, Gale. This place rips all the scabs off our wounds. Let's think about going home. Haymitch will still be here so we can fuck in the meadow."

Peeta smiles. Pressing me close to him. The only person whose touch I don't shudder at.

"I like that idea."

He grips my face and kisses me. I grip his shirt and lead him back to the bedroom. Where I strip off my clothing. His face stoic. His eyes locked upon me. I lay back on the bed. He walks up to me. I'm prepared to meet his lips but they don't come, rather he begins sucking my clit. Licking my cunt taking my breath away. He removes all barriers and enters me fluidly kissing me as he does. I can taste my own sweetness. Both of us knowing what the other needs. Escape from the nightmares that are sure to come once we close our eyes. We stave them off through our love making. Coming over and over, until we are too tired to dream. Our bodies shaking from exertion, tangle amongst one another. Building a shroud keeping out the toxicity of the Capitol. Trapping in the purity of our love. The only thing as pure as Rue. The love shared between me and Peeta.


	35. Chapter 35

We return to Twelve. To our lives. I'm unable to bake or paint for six weeks so I've taken to running. Katniss hunts. Luckily for me Millie comes for physical therapy. All is quiet. The streets desolate compared with that of the Capitol. Children's laughter carries filling the air. The night silent. Only our breathing fills the absence of sound. I am unable to bake and paint because of my injury. I begin to run to keep out the rage that engulfs my mind while unoccupied. I run through the meadow through the town where children played where I once did. When I couldn't fathom any of this pain I feel embedded in my heart now. Katniss hunts. We coordinate so I meet her returning from the woods when I return from my run in the meadow. Why I lay her on the green grass and lose myself in her. We lay there naked and dewy until our hunger cannot be ignored and we have to return home. Our home. Quaint and warm despite the tumult inside of ourselves. A safe haven. I feel free at home. Where we laugh, where we make love and sleep. One morning while holding Katniss a thought pops in my head.

"Do you want children?" I ask her I want children to fill our halls with laughter.

"No."

"You'd be an amazing mother."

"No."

She faces away from me. Filling the room with audible silence. A few minutes pass and then she sits up slips on her clothing and leaves for the woods. I've made a terrible mistake. I stay in bed contemplating the issues I've stirred up. Katniss grew up destitute, her loved ones dead. Her trepidation is understandable. However, I want kids. The pain she feels overrides all. The desperation for a normal life doesn't exist in her, rather bitterness toward the haunting of the past which dictates her future. For now we're young, but the question posed regarding bringing life into the world is triggering. She stayed out for hours which felt like it might as well have been days. She ambled up the stairs and stared at me from the doorway.

"Not now. Maybe one day. I can't take care of myself right now."

"Katniss do you ever think about the future?" I ask her.

"Yes."

"You seem like you are stuck."

"Peeta. Is it possible to just get over what we've been through."

"No. But are you thinking about it? Do you want normalcy?"

"What does that mean Peeta?"

"Peace. The dead body off your back, or do you think you'll mourn your whole life just carry it with you?"

"Peeta. My sister is dead how am I supposed to think about moving on?"

I get angry.

"My whole family is dead!"

Her eyes widen. She stares at me.

"I think I'll stay at my house tonight."

Desperation

"No! Katniss I'm sorry. I shouldn't push things. Don't go. Please. Stay."

She looks at me.

"Peeta we can't keep tragedy score. We're both hurt. Can we just be in the moment."

I nod my head. Perhaps I'm stuck as well trying to escape from the pain which intends to strangle me. The phone rings. I answer it. It's Beetee.

"It's Johanna." Beetee says.

"What happened?" I ask him.

"She started bleeding last night. The baby is okay but Johanna is bedridden which she isn't happy about. I have to work so I can't take care of her full time. I guess what I'm attempting to ask is if she can stay with you?"

"Of course, yes. Millie is here to help me with my hand so we have access to a nurse."

"Thank you, so much. She's still in the hospital, it'll be a few days. We're not out of the woods yet. But we found out we're having a boy!"

"That's great Beetee. Keep us informed, our thoughts are with you."

"Okay. Thank you Peeta. Talk to you soon."

He disconnects.

Katniss looks at me quizzically.

"What's going on?"

"Johanna started bleeding. She's bedridden and he wants to know if she can stay with us since he has to work."

"Of course! She's not very good at staying in one spot. This will be hard for her."

I take out a cigarette and light it.

"I know."

"I'll get the guestroom ready for her."

"It'll be a few days." I tell her. "Come here."

She walks to me and I wrap my arms around her little waist. I kiss her stomach.

"I love you. You know that?"

"Yes."

I pull her down so she's straddling me, she takes my cigarette and takes a drag then puts her lips at mine blowing the smoke into my mouth.

"I cry a lot Peeta. More than I hunt when I'm in the woods."

"I figured."

Hatred resides in all of us. Burning, toiling, it can either destroy or rebuild. It's always there. It's always there.

"You make me human again." I tell her.

"You do the same to me." She says kissing me. Scooping my face in her hands breathing me in. I grip her tighter and tighter holding her closer and closer. I feel myself stirring, pleading with myself to take her. I need her to look at me as I really am to feel me as I really am. She removes her shirt and I suck her taut nipples fervently. She writhes as I do so driving me crazy. I rub my hand on her cunt, triggering her to remove the rest of her clothing. I continue my manual manipulation until I can't control my carnal urges anymore. I pick her up and lay her on the ground, remove myself from my pants and make love to her. Not gently but not hard either. We look at each other, see each other for who we really are. Neither one of us scared of what we see but excited. Needing more. I consume her. Until there's nothing left, and she rests her head on the floor panting. I silently lay beside her and cradle her in my arms. We stay this way for a while. Until the sound of a glass shattering disrupts the stillness. Buttercup, angry he has yet to be fed his evening meal. Katniss kicks at him and swears, I lay out a platter of tuna for him which he eagerly laps up.

That night the girl from Eight visits me in my dreams.

"What did it feel like?" She asks "Killing me?"

I stare at her unable to speak, not know what to say what I felt even.

"Did you think you were doing me a favor?"

"Yes."

"Putting me out of my misery?"

"Yes."

A sardonic smile crosses her face.

"What did it feel like when you killed Brutus? Good? Noble?"

-"I don't know."

She leans into me and whispers in my ear "You liked it. You killed him out of rage not duty. You liked it."

Tears begin to flood my eyes because she's right. I killed him to quell my anger over Chaff's murder. I'm not better than Brutus.

The girl from eight once again begins to smile.

"The Girl on Fire better be careful. She better not make you mad."

Brutus appears laying on the ground his neck snapped. Mitchell mutilated beside him.

"I would never do that to her! I wouldn't never hurt her. I'd rather die first."

I turn my eyes to the girl from Eight who is now brandishing a knife.

"Let me save her from you." She says as she pierces my stomach, turning the knife. My whole body shaking, crying.

"I don't want to die, I want to love her."

I wake screaming Katniss stroking my back. Gently shushing me.

"Not real."

I look at her. Grab her face. Kiss her so I can taste her. Taste that she's real. She kisses me back then digs her nails into my back. The kissing becomes increasingly desperate as tears rush down my face.

"You see me for what I really am. You know what I've done." I say to her.

"Yes."

"And you're not afraid?"

"No. You see me for what I am too."

"And I need you."

I roll on top of her, nibbling her neck kissing her lips needing to taste her. To know something is real. Something exists. The dreams that seem to meld into my reality dissipate. Katniss is my reality. I grip her clothes to me. Rolling on top of her I move to her cunt, needing to taste her, I suck, and lick her. Her sweetness a delicacy. I eat her until I feel her tense and moan out my name. I then finish my consumption of her. I hover over her and enter her, thrusting over and over, deeper and deeper, harder and harder. I watch her face contort in pleasure. I fill myself with that sweetness until I come. Once again able to sleep. Once again on Earth. Human.


	36. Chapter 36

Within the week Johanna is with us. Sullen, cranky. Beetee stays with her until he has to return to work. Spike is ever present standing guard at her bedside. Her belly visibly larger.

"Can you feel it?" I ask her.

"Constantly. Little fucker's kicking my ass."

"Well we know he's yours."

"Do you want to feel him?" She asks me.

The thought of this terrifies me. Another life inside of her. Waiting to emerge into this world. With all of it's violence and pain. He'll never have to go to a Reaping. He'll never see what his mother saw. I shake my head.

"C'mon." She takes my hand and places it on her belly. This boy, moving inside, so real. Touching me via her. My eyes began to fill with tears. The memory of my mother pregnant with Prim letting me put my hand on her belly and put my faces up close to her womb and talk to Prim before she was even born. The innocence is lost now. Prim is gone, this baby is just existing, to feel that feeling I felt when Prim was still unborn. The sudden jolt of excitement feeling the stirring of another human being tainted by death. I remove my hand from her.

"Wow he's pretty busy in there. Are you happy?"

"Happy is an understatement. He makes me miserable but he gives me a purpose I haven't had something to live for in a long time. He's a blessing really. He's forced me to reevaluate life."

This confuses me. Bringing life in this world after a terrible war isn't a blessing for the child. Born into ruins. Despite Johanna's otherwise pale complexion she's glowing. She radiates something I've never seen before. She's always had hope, buried deep inside her which raged as a fire. NO, it's peace. Johanna feels peace.

I leave her room and find Peeta attempting to paint. His cast has been removed and the formerly broken hand is atrophied and lost a considerable amount of movement. He's painting what should be a lovely scene. A tropical beach, the sunrise dyeing the water pink. A tree stands above all others on the horizon. A body floats in the water. The Morphling. He looks up at me and smiles.

"Hello my love. I thought you would be in the woods."

"No. Not today. I thought I'd give the animals a break."

He chuckles and holds his arm out for me. I sit beside him and he wraps it around me.

"How's Johanna."

"Different. She's cranky that she has to stay in bed, but she's peaceful. The baby seems to be a very calming force for her."

"I didn't expect her to be so maternal." He says.

"Neither did I."

Peeta turns and looks at me.

"Katniss… Tell me you love me."

"I love you."

"Do you want a good life together?"

"Yes."

"The only time I'm a human is when I'm with you. I know you want children Peeta, It's just I'm not ready."

He nods his head and pulls me closer into him. He tilts my face up to look into his, his blue eyes locked on to mine. He moves his hand down my neck to my chest, peeling back my shirt. The intensity with which he looks at me builds. I sit stoic not letting on the butterflies he sends shooting around my stomach. He removes his gaze from my eyes to my breasts which he lovingly massages, then he turns his gaze back up to my eyes and kisses me. I open my mouth to let his tongue in we taste each other. My breath quickens and I remove his shirt. He takes his hand from my breasts and replaces it with his mouth, then he slides his hand to my cunt taking two fingers inside me pumping them in and out. Making me writhe he puts his mouth back on mine and lays me down. Then he removes my pants and enters me. The fluidity of our bodies is astounding the rise and fall of our hips meeting one another. My arm around his neck fingers coiled around his hair. His arm around my waist hugging me to him. Lips locked. I roll over to straddle him picking up the rhythm once again. He sucks my breasts as I make love to him, causing me to lose all concept of the world outside our bodies. Goosebumps travel up my body to my brain and I come. When I come he rolls me over again and takes me with my legs around his shoulders, until he grunts and pants and comes. When he's finished he hovers above me balancing on his forearms, I stroke his face gleaming with dewy sweat.

"I love you." He whispers.

"I love you too."

He kisses me chastely on the mouth.

"I have to go to the bakery. The ovens are being installed." He whispers to me.

I nod my head. He kisses me again and gets up. I hear the shower come on and I put my clothing back on.

"You guys done?" Johanna hollers from downstairs.

"Yea."

"Spike has to shit."  
I take Spike outside where he sniffs the ground along a hayfield lining the meadow. He does his business, and the day is nice the sun is warm and the wind is calm so I linger for a while. He continues to sniff the ground ahead of him until he stops he freezes as though a statue his body a completely straight line from snout to tail.

"What is it boy?" I call to him.

He begins to walk slowly still pointing and then I realize what he's doing. I pick up a rock and throw it into the tall grass. Pheasants disperse in all directions. Spike is hunting. He trots back to me and stares at me inquisitively as though wondering why there was no game for him to fetch. I'm pretty sure that's what he was thinking. A useful pet. I think to myself. Not like that mongrel Buttercup who lives to be a pain in my ass.

I turn to the house Spike following me. Considering whether or not to grab my bow and arrow and take Spike hunting. Then I see a car has pulled up to the driveway. It's Effie, Beetee, and Haymitch. Neither myself or Peeta are home, no one there to greet them. Surely Beetee will worry about Johanna. I trot with Spike to greet them, who essentially takes Beetee to the ground in delight. Haymitch once again pensive and sober. Effie cheerfully discussing a baby shower for Johanna. Working even when not at work. I am both annoyed and happy to see them. I've so taken solitude for granted. Effie smiles at me.

"Hurry! We're going to be on TV soon!"


	37. Chapter 37

I oversee the build team as they install the enormous ovens into the kitchen. Alongside the brick oven (my preferred method of baking) along with the domed ceilings create a sort of cathedral to the culinary arts. The kitchen has yet to be used and as such appears sterile. I wince as flashes of the sterility of the prison I was kept infiltrate my mind. I shake the men's hands and thank them for their work before I return home to my wife. Delly stands outside the bakery.

"Hi Peeta."

"Hi."

She's almost what one could call thin, yet her face is still full. She smiles at me.

"How are you."

"I'm getting there. It's thanks to you."

"No. Inside you wanted to get better, all I did was help. Someone needed to keep you in check."

"Nonetheless." I tell her.

"Peeta, I don't have any family here or anywhere at that matter, and I really hate to do this because I don't want to bother you, but I could really use a job."

"Delly, don't worry of course. I need someone to manage the wait staff. You grew up in a merchant family I know you're good for the work."  
She smiles timidly.

"Thank you. Is Katniss here?"

"She's in the Village at home."

"I heard you got married."

"Yes." I replied.

"Congratulations. It's really her you should thank. You're in love with her. You overcame the hijacking to get her back."

My eyes well up a little bit. I blink back the tears.

"Thank you for saying that."

We stand there for a bit awkwardly.

"Well I better go." She tells me "Bye"

I wave to her and turn towards home. When home is in view I see Effie and the others gathered outside. Effie's body language screams excitement. I had forgotten they were coming today. I really wanted more time with Katniss without all the distraction. I'm not sure how she'll take Delly being my employee. I jog the rest of the way and wrap my arms around her before greeting the others.

"I love you." I whisper in her ear. I don't say that enough.

"Hurry! We're going to be on Television!"

Effie ushers us in and we all sit down on the sofas. Beetee and Spike go into the guest room with Johanna. She turns on the television. Caesar is greeting the crowd.

"Tonight is a special night! We get to meet some very special people from around Panem. People who have chose to represent their communities in making Panem the greatest nation in the World. They look to the future and make things brighter! First off let me introduce someone you already know. Everyone welcome Brigadier General Gale Hawthorne!"

Gale walks out onto the stage greeting the crowd shaking hands with Caesar. He looks dapper, in his military uniform and beret. His shoes shining, his smile radiant. I know that deep inside he suffers like all of us. He's full of charm and charisma. He seeths hate underneath it all. Caesar interviews him about his run for parliament. He addressed his views on the need for strong leadership in the districts that each districts needs be addressed individually before the government…

"Which brings me to our next guest please welcome from district Twelve the Victor of the Second Quarter Quell Haymitch Abernathy!"

The crowd goes wild for him as he timidly smiles and gestures to the crowd. He's not as adept as Gale at working the crowd, but he also doesn't have the face Gale does.

"Haymitch, tell me what are the particular needs of your district?"

He clears his throat.

"Well, the people of district Twelve are cut from their own cloth. The problem is that there is no wide industry in Twelve. We're on the outskirts of Panem and tend to be forgotten about. We also have so much to offer in the way of culture. Peeta Mellark is opening a bakery/ bistro this coming month. The mines have closed which are great in regards to the quality of life of our residents. However, progress on the medical manufacturing plant has been beyond slow and it's vital in Twelve in promoting growth. I would also like Twelve to become a cultural center. The music, art, and dancing of the people here is rich and should be shared with the world. The wildlife is breathtaking. General Hawthorne can attest to that."

"Wow Haymitch. It seems you have very clear plans for Twelve. I for one cannot wait to see how they unfold. I got to try some of Peeta Mellarks goodies and I must say it's worth the trip."

Effie shuts of the feed.

"What do you think? Simply marvelous right?"

Johanna shouts from the guest room.

"You sounded like a geezer."

"I thought you were great. I liked your image of Twelve." I tell him.

He nods his head at me.

"Came straight from the mind of the old lady."

Effie wrinkles her face.

"Do you really think that way about Twelve?" I ask her.

She smiles.

"It grew on me."

I contemplate what Haymitch discussed. We're closed off to the rest of the world here in Twelve. Part of me doesn't want to let anyone in. Plutarch contacted me recently about franchising my baked goods, to which I declined. I have no interest in the mainstream. All I want is peace. I wrap my arm around Katniss and breath her in. The wind had caught in her hair soaking up the scent of Jasmine and Sasafrass. She belongs to Twelve. Twelve belongs to her. The only time we are close to being happy or at peace is here in our home. This place is warm, we have people we love.

"Spike is a hunting dog." Katniss announces. Buttercup arches his back at the name of the maligned hound. "He was pointing while I was taking him out. I'd like to take him with me sometime." She says this loudly enough for Johanna to hear. Then she turns her attention to Buttercup. "He's useful. Unlike you." Buttercup hisses and scurries off.

"Just don't kill him!" She replies.

"You know I'm a good shot!" Katniss retorts.

"Yea, but I know how hungry you people get here in Twelve."

I laugh out loud at this. Johanna on the brink of motherhood, the sweetest part of life, so pure and fragile still manages to be offensive.

"If you weren't pregnant I'd kick your ass!" Katniss pokes.  
"Yea, I'd like to see you try that. This little fucker is doing that for you." Johanna replies.

I hear Beetee's muffled voice perhaps imploring her to start toning it down as she has a very malleable mind living inside her. Johanna's ruthlessness, her skill as a survivor and Beetee's brain

"Makes for an evil genius." I say out loud.

"What?" Katniss asks.

"That kid. Beetee's incredible mind pair with Johanna's tenacity. God help anyone who pisses that kid off."

Katniss chuckles.

"I know right?" Johanna chimes in.

This has become a sort of habit for us. Talking to Johanna in the other room including her as though she were present in the same space as we are. Her disembodied voice is just as much a presence as an another person's actual body would be. Eventually Effie and Haymitch retire to his house and I take Katniss by the hand and lead her upstairs.

"I saw Delly at the bakery." I tell her. Her eyes slant yet her mouth smiles in an attempt to hide her jealousy. Which I don't quite understand.

"Oh? How is she?"

"She asked me for a job."

"And?"

"I gave her one. She's got nothing."

She inhales deeply.

"I'm worried that. You were awfully close to her for a while."

I stare at her.

"I love you. I chose you."

"What happened when you thought I was a mutt?"

"Katniss…" I know the implication, I'm not proud of it nor am I welcoming to her accusatory tone. As though I were in control of my own devices at the time.

"You don't remember do you."

"What happened when I thought you were a mutt." The inflection sardonic.

"You know what happened." She seeths.

"Then we're even. No actually not even close, there's still the time after the first Games, oh and after the tour. Should I go on? Don't throw your accusations on me Katniss. You're projecting your own guilt."

She storms out of the room.


End file.
